- Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
- Tell us your phobias, and we'll tell you what you are afraid of.
- Every boy should have a dog, for a dog teaches a boy three valuable traits: fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.
- In America there are two classes of travel - First Class, and with children. Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.
- In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders: we have to fight home competition.
- There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest . . . and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.
- It took me 15 years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
- Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
- The only real cure for a hangover is death.
- If you'll excuse me, I'd like to get out of these wet things and into a dry martini.
- [after seeing Paramount on Parade (1930)] It ran less than two hours but I came out of the theater several years older.
- There is something about saying 'Okay' and hanging up the receiver with a bang that kids a man into feeling that he has just pulled off a big deal, even if he has only called up central to find out the correct time.
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