Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)
Buster Keaton: Reginald Irving
Photos
Quotes
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[Questioning Reginald Irving]
Jeffrey Haywood : Have you ever had anything to do with women?
Reginald Irving : Oh, I used to sell vacuum cleaners.
Jeffrey Haywood : No no, I mean, have you ever had a love affair with a woman?
Reginald Irving : Oh, gosh no.
Jeffrey Haywood : Well, you're going to have.
Reginald Irving : Oh, I can't. I don't get paid until Saturday.
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Leila Crofton : Well, I should think she'd be able to take one look at you and realize that if you were left alone with a woman... why...
Reginald Irving : We'd both be safe.
[pause]
Reginald Irving : I-I was in a house one time, aaall alone with the most beautiful French maid... and she tried to kiss me. She was baking a pie...
Leila Crofton : And what did you do?
Reginald Irving : ...I ate the pie.
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Nita Leslie : Reggie, you wicked, wicked man! Where will I change?
[Opens the bedroom door]
Nita Leslie : It looks like a bed!
Reginald Irving : It is a bed.
Nita Leslie : Oh, Reggie, I feel so wicked! Reggie, come here. Unhook my dress.
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Nita Leslie : [From behind the bedroom door] Don't you dare come in!
Reginald Irving : Give me your clothes so I can send them down and have 'em dried.
Nita Leslie : I'll give you the clothes but don't you dare come in!
Reginald Irving : She doesn't want me to come in.
Bell Hop : I noticed that.
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Frederick Leslie : Nita, are you in there?
Nita Leslie : No.
Reginald Irving : See, she's not in there.
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Jeffrey Haywood : Now, when you first get to your room, order some... uh, champagne and broiled lobster.
Reginald Irving : Champ... Ch... Can't you make it beer?
Jeffrey Haywood : Beer? Certainly not. Champagne!
[pause]
Jeffrey Haywood : C, H, A, M, P, A, uh... oh, well, make it wine. W, I, N, E.
Reginald Irving : Oh well, what do I call her?
Jeffrey Haywood : Oh, call her... kid, sweetheart, baby...
Reginald Irving : Kid, sweetheart, baby.
Jeffrey Haywood : Uh huh. And then when you're helping her to take off her...
Reginald Irving : Take off her what?
Jeffrey Haywood : Wrap!
Reginald Irving : R, A, P.
Jeffrey Haywood : No, WRAP! *W*, R, A, P.
Reginald Irving : Wap?
Jeffrey Haywood : Wap?... Well, make it coat.
Reginald Irving : K, O, T, E.
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Reginald Irving : Suppose I told you that I'm not the man you think I am and that I don't know these other women? I've never been out with them at all.
Angelica Embrey : You naughty, naughty boy! As if I believe it. No darling, its not your past I'm worried about. Its your future and your present.
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Jeffrey Haywood : Say, Angie, what's happened?
Angelica Embrey : Oh, nothing's happened! That's just it! Why, nothing's ever happened to Reggie! Why, he's not even a man!
Reginald Irving : Oh, I am too!
Angelica Embrey : Even Professor Einstein couldn't make me believe that.
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Reginald Irving : Well, what'll I do with this woman while I'm waiting? I'm not much at talkin'.
Jeffrey Haywood : Oh, well, I'll tell you. Here, I'll draw a diagram for you.
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Jeffrey Haywood : What's the idea of the golf clubs?
Reginald Irving : Oh, I thought maybe if Angelica was late, I could practice puttin'.
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Polly Hathaway : What you're supposed to do now is to make love to me!
Reginald Irving : Where do I begin?
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Reginald Irving : You think he'll be mad?
Jeffrey Haywood : Mad? He'll kill you!
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Detective : Where's the body?
Reginald Irving : What body?
Detective : Any body!
Reginald Irving : There isn't anybody here but me.
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Reginald Irving : [Offering to pay the farmer for their ride to the hotel on his hay wagon after his car lost a wheel] How much do I owe you?
Hay wagon driver : Ya think two dollars would be too much?
Reginald Irving : Yes.
Hay wagon driver : Well, then give me a dollar.
