Helpmates (1932)

Stan Laurel: Stan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ollie : Do you realize that this is the only suit that I've got left? It's enough to make a man burst out crying.

  Stan : [Stan starts to cry]  Well, I couldn't help it. I was doing the best I could...

  Ollie : Shut up and get this mess cleaned up! Do you know that my wife will be home at noon?

  Stan : Say, what do you think I am? Cinderella? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you.

  Ollie : Well, it's a good thing you haven't any sense!

  Stan : It certainly is!

• Ollie : Why weren't you over to the party last night?

  Stan : I couldn't make it. I was bitten by a dog.

  Ollie : You were what?

  Stan : A dog bit me.

  Ollie : I can't understand you. Spell it.

  Stan : A dog bit me. B-I-it me. Bit me.

  Ollie : Where?

  Stan : [Rolls up sleeve and puts the telephone to the injured area]  There! And they took me to the hospital.

  Ollie : Get closer to the phone, I can't understand you.

  Stan : I said they--I said they took--They took me to the hospital.

  Ollie : Was it serious?

  Stan : Yeah. The doctor said I might get hydrophosphates.

  Ollie : Hydrophosphates? You mean hydrophobia.

• Ollie : Listen, I'm in a slight predicament. My wife's coming home at noon today, unexpectedly. And just look at this house.

  Stan : [sees the mess]  What's the matter with it?

  Ollie : What's the matter with it? You never met my wife, have you?

  Stan : Yes, I never did.

  Ollie : What do you mean "Yes I never did"?

  [shows him wedding photo of a frowning bride] 

  Ollie : That's my wife.

  Stan : Isn't she sweet.

  Ollie : Charming.

  Stan : Where is your wife?

  Ollie : She's in Chicago with her mother.

  Stan : Is she having a nice time?

  Ollie : Sure, she's having a nice time, she's been gone for more than a week, I-I don't care whether she's having a nice time or not!

• Ollie : What happened?

  Stan : Well, I was about to leave, and I tried to light you a nice fire to make it comfortable for you.

  [crying] 

  Stan : The house burned down and I couldn't help it!

• Ollie : [calling on the phone]  Where have you been?

  Stan : I was here, with me.

• Ollie : [on the phone]  What are you doing?

  Stan : I'm talking to you. What do you think I'm doing?

  Ollie : I know you're talking to me! Hey, come on over. I want to see you. And make it snappy!

  Stan : QT.

• Ollie : If she comes home and sees this house like this, she'll know that I've been having a wild party!

  Stan : I've never known it to fail.

  Ollie : What?

  Stan : When the mice are away, the cats are always playing around, thing, and--doing something. If the mice run...

  Ollie : I want you to help me clean this house. I'd do the same for you!

  Stan : No, you wouldn't.

  Ollie : Yes, I would!

  Stan : Oh, no, you wouldn't.

  Ollie : How do you know I wouldn't?

  Stan : 'Cause I'm not going to get married.