- Jeannette Desmereau: I guess this is the only chance I have to tell you that I think you're a mean, stupid, illiterate, overgrown, hog-faced, mule-eared idiot.
- Cyrus Anderson: [explaining his duties to Claudette Colbert as bodyguard to Robert Young] He starts fights, and I finish them.
- Jeannette Desmereau: What does an assistant editor do?
- Cyrus Anderson: Yes, what does she do?
- Jack Bristow: Well, how should I know? You're the editor.
- Cyrus Anderson: What types of stories and articles do you think should appeal most to men?
- Jack Bristow: Don't you answer him.
- Cyrus Anderson: Forty bucks a week, and look at her. Just a hunk of whip cream from the Gold Coast. For 15 bucks we could at least have hired a girl who could spell "cat."
- Jeannette Desmereau: There we were, sitting by the beach, thinking about nothing. So, naturally, we thought about you. At first we were going to buy a shotgun, but then Jack thought that would be too messy so all at once we discovered this.
- [She take a huge rock out of her purse, that filled the purse]
- Jeannette Desmereau: Oh, I guess I love you at that.
- Cyrus Anderson: Doesn't that make you mad?
- Jeannette Desmereau: A little. I came here to throw a rock at you.
- Jack Bristow: [after he walks in on Cy and Jeanette kissing] I thought you hated him.
- Jeannette Desmereau: So did I.
- Jack Bristow: I've asked you to marry me 50 times. At least 50 times.
- [Looking at Cy]
- Jack Bristow: You knew that.
- Cyrus Anderson: I guess I forgot.
- Cyrus Anderson: Can't you see what's happening? Will you get your watermelon head out of this?
- The Judge: Sooo, I'm a watermelon head, am I?
- Jack Bristow: Well, remember about 18 years ago when I put a hair from a horses tail in a bottle of water because you said it would turn into a snake?
- Jeannette Desmereau: I suppose the world is full of women eating their hearts out for the wrong man. When the right one stands by ready to offer everything in the world that counts. I don't know what I'm waiting for.
- Alfred Desmereau: Hello, Cy.
- Cyrus Anderson: Where's Jeanette? Are you her father?
- Alfred Desmereau: I don't know.
- Cyrus Anderson: What kind of talk is that?
- Alfred Desmereau: I said I don't know where she is.
- Cyrus Anderson: Huh? Yeah! Well, what's the matter with me?
- Alfred Desmereau: Everything. You act like a mule-skinner. You look like you just swallowed a piece of sandpaper.
- Cyrus Anderson: I suppose you're knee deep in beauty prizes?
- Alfred Desmereau: At least I don't break into a house as though I were raiding an opium den. And greet the butler by calling him a liar.
- Cyrus Anderson: So he grabbed her when my back is turned, huh. The snake in the grass. Why the dirty lowdown...
- Alfred Desmereau: [Riding in the motorcycle sidecar] Are you sure you know how to stop this thing when we do get there?
- Cyrus Anderson: I thought I could run it into a tree.
- Alfred Desmereau: Maybe it would've been better if we never met.
- Jack Bristow: Hello! We wanna get married.
- Henry: Are you drunk?
- Jeannette Desmereau: No, but we can get drunk.
- Henry: You're in the wrong place, neighbor.
- Jack Bristow: Oh, we were only foolin', honest.
- Henry: How about your license?
- Jack Bristow: What license?
- Henry: Your marriage license. What do you think this is, a hamburger stand?
- Jeannette Desmereau: I wouldn't be surprised.
- Henry: Emmy. Hey, Emmy. Come on down here. There's another pair of those uh, whatchamacallits from Chicago.