- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: The story is from a novel entitled Lavender and Old Lace, but the name of the cinema has been changed to... um... She Done Him Plenty.
- Film Man: Have you a favorite movie star, Princess?
- Princess Olga: Oh, yah yah.
- Film Man: Would it be a male star?
- Princess Olga: Oh sure.
- Film Man: If the question isn't too personal, the name?
- Princess Olga: Vee tell you. Mickey Moose-y.
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: What is that?
- Princess Olga: Why it's one of those things, you know, one of those come-to-you go-from-you things.
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: A concertina. And very vulgar. A definite symbol of the lower classes. Put the thing on the floor and it crawls.
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: My dear, I am an old woman. I have travelled at home and abroad, and *never, never* have I known any good to come out of a concertina.
- Princess Olga: Poor, dear Uncle Rudy. Somebody was always shooting at him.
- Morevitch: In my country, they shoot at everybody's uncle.
- King Mantell: Your Highness, there's something wrong with your tub.
- Princess Olga: Vat?
- King Mantell: Yes, you see, the water runs in and it runs out, but the trouble is it runs out faster than it runs in. I discovered it this morning when I was trying to take a bath. It can only draw about that much water
- [his fingers show an inch]
- King Mantell: and you can't take a bath with that much water
- [shows an inch again]
- Princess Olga: Vell, if you're a ploomb-er, why don't you fix it?
- King Mantell: Well, I'm not a ploomb-er, uh, I mean, a plumber, but I think I could fix it. Have you got a screwdriver?
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: A screwdriver? Her Highness is not in the habit of going around with a screwdriver on her person.
- Princess Olga: [to Mantell] Please go avay.
- King Mantell: Well, I was only trying to help, but may I suggest that when you want to take a bath, you should take a shower.
- [walks away]
- King Mantell: Of course, there's always the ocean.
- [Exits]
- Princess Olga: [dropping her phony Swedish accent] I'd like to smack that guy right in the kisser.
- Princess Olga: Oh, my poof!
- [fishing out her sopping wet powder puff]
- King Mantell: Your what?
- Princess Olga: My powder poof! It is vet!
- [squeezing it out onto his shoes]
- Princess Olga: You enjoyed the cocktails, didn't you?
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: The first two or three. After the fifth or sixth I was utterly bored.
- Benton: Well boss, do I toss him to the sharks?
- King Mantell: What's the matter? Don't you like sharks?
- Cragg: Where did you spend the evening, Mr. Mantell?
- King Mantell: Right here.
- Lorel: Did you entertain a visitor?
- King Mantell: No, nobody was here.
- Lorel: You were alone?
- King Mantell: Well, practically. I was with Benton.
- Benton: Yeah, we were *both* alone.
- King Mantell: You ought to know my technique by now. First, flowers. Second, sweet music. Third, a little wine.
- Benton: Then I have to find out if there's a husband in town.
- King Mantell: I'll take care of Darcy.
- Benton: What are you gonna do? Slap the mug on the wrists and ask him for the next dance?
- King Mantell: If you really want to do something for me, fix it so I can get next to the Princess without catching pneumonia.
- Benton: Leave it to me. I can handle those dames.
- Princess Olga: What do you expect me to do? Sit around and twiddle my thumbs?
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: There are plenty of proper gentlemen on board without you drinking cocktails with a concertina squeezer.
- Princess Olga: I had a good time. Who said: uneasy lies the head that wears the crown?
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: You know I was a married woman before I knew that Kings didn't sleep with their crowns on.
- Princess Olga: Where do they put them? Under the bed?
- Chief Purser: There are five important police officials aboard, sir.
- Captain Nicholls: Police?
- Chief Purser: They're sailing for an international convention of detectives in New York. Would you like to have them at your table, sir?
- Captain Nicholls: I don't even want them on my ship. They're troublemakers. Jinxes. I'd rather be followed by a seagull flying upside down. I've seen it happen again and again. Trouble's their business. They love it so much, it follows them around.
- Benton: King. I just saw Darcy go into the royal suite.
- King Mantell: Yeah? Are you sure it was Darcy?
- Benton: Sure. Rats like that don't come in pairs.
- Benton: Take Terry McGovern. There was a fellow with a left hook. All he had to do was hit you in the chin and break every bone in your ankle.
- King Mantell: If you're ever in any kind of trouble, you can count on me.
- Princess Olga: Oh, why do you think I should be in any trouble?
- King Mantell: Oh, I dunno. This is a strange ship, and there are some very odd people aboard.
- Princess Olga: Ja, and the oddest of them all is you.
- Lady Gertrude Allwyn: Thank heaven this day is over. Such a crowd, my dear. I don't mind people stepping on my feet, but I do object to their loitering there.
- Benton: I'm saving this page for your obituary notice. I can see it now. "King Mantell Gets Himself Bumped Off for a Dame."
- Princess Olga: Well, if you really know who the murderer is, why don't you tell them now?
- King Mantell: I would if I knew. The point is I don't.
- Princess Olga: Then why did you say you did?
- King Mantell: Because to catch a rat you have to have cheese.
- Princess Olga: I don't get it.
- King Mantell: I'm the cheese. When the rat comes to nibble, bang goes the trap.
- Princess Olga: With the cheese in it.
- King Mantell: Not if it's a smart piece of cheese.
- Benton: I'll stick around, all right, but I ain't no Charlie Chan. When I'm picking that guy's sewing kit out of your back, don't say I didn't tell you, that's all.
- Benton: [to King Mantell who is going to be bait to catch the murderer] I don't know why you want to trade your concertina for a harp.
- Princess Olga: Scram.
- King Mantell: What did you say?
- Princess Olga: Oh... Scrom. In Sweeden, it means the interview is ended.