- Jean: You see, Hopsi, you don't know very much about girls. The best ones aren't as good as you probably think they are and the bad ones aren't as bad. Not nearly as bad.
- [last lines]
- Muggsy: [squeezing himself quietly out of the honeymoon cabin] Positively the same dame!
- Jean: [while observing Charles from her pocket mirror] Not good enough.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: What'd you say?
- Jean: I said they're not good enough for him. Every Jane in the room is giving him the thermometer and he feels they're just a waste of time. He's returning to his book; he's deeply immersed in it. He sees no one except - watch his head turn when that kid goes by. Won't do ya any good, dear - he's a bookworm - but swing 'em anyway. Oh, now how about this one. How'd you like *that* hanging on your Christmas tree? Oh, you wouldn't? Well, what is your weakness, brother? Holy smoke, the dropped kerchief! That hasn't been used since Lily Langtry. You'll have to pick it up yourself, madam. It's a shame, but he doesn't care for the flesh. He'll never see it. Look at that girl over to his left. Look over to your left, bookworm. There's a girl pining for ya. A little further. Just a little further... There! Wasn't that worth looking for? See those nice store teeth all beaming at you. Oh, she recognizes you! She's up, she's down, she can't make up her mind. She's up again. She recognizes you! She's coming over to speak to you. The suspense is killing me. "Why, for heaven's sake, aren't you Fuzzy Oathammer I went to manual training school with in Louisville? Oh, you're not? Well, you certainly look exactly like him, it's certainly a remarkable resemblance... But if you're not going to ask me to sit down, I suppose you're not going to ask me to sit down... I'm very sorry, I certainly hope I haven't caused you any embarrassment, you so and so." "I wonder if my tie's on straight. I certainly upset them, don't I? Now who else is after me?" Ah, the lady champion wrestler, wouldn't she make a houseful? Oh, you don't like her either. Well, what are you going to do about her? Oh, you just can't stand it anymore, you're leaving. These women don't give you a moment's peace, do they? Well, go ahead! Go sulk in your cabin. Go soak your head and see if I care!
- Jean: Do you know Charles?
- Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Oh, is he the tall backward boy who's always toying with toads and things? Yes, I think I have seen him skulking about.
- Jean: He isn't backwards. He's a scientist.
- Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Oh, is that what it is? I knew he was... peculiar.
- Charles: A girl of sixteen's practically an idiot anyway, so I can't very well blame you for something that was practically done by somebody else.
- Jean: Boy, would I like to see you givin' some old harpie the three in one!
- 'Colonel' Harrington: Don't be vulgar, Jean. Let us be crooked, but never common.
- Second Ship's Waiter: Good morning, sir. Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs, eggs and sausage, sausage and hot cakes, hot cakes and ham, ham and eggs, eggs and bacon, bacon and...
- Muggsy: Gimme a spoonful of milk, a raw pigeon's egg, and four houseflies. If you can't catch any, I'll settle for a cockroach.
- Steward: Breakfast, sir?
- Charles: What'd you say?
- Steward: I said, "Breakfast, sir?"
- Charles: Two scotch and sodas with plain water. You take it plain, don't you?
- Jean: Don't you take cream and sugar?
- Charles: No, I always drink it black.
- [pause]
- Charles: Say, what am I talking about?
- Jean: That's what I was wondering.
- Steward: How about a nice bicarbonate of soda with an egg in it? It does wonders!
- Lawyer at Phone in Pike's Office: But he says she says she won't have anything to do with lawyers.
- Lawyer: That's entirely irregular!
- Mr. Pike: Well, it's a thought!
- 'Colonel' Harrington: Ah, there you are. Well, it certainly took you long enough to come back in the same outfit.
- Jean: I'm lucky to have this on. Mr Pike has been up the river for a year.
- Jean: I don't see why I have to do all the dirty work. There must be plenty of rich old dames just waiting for you to push 'em around.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: You find 'em, I'll push 'em.
- Gerald: D'you want the strippers on the right or the left?
- 'Colonel' Harrington: I hardly need them, Gerald. I can take this boy with a deck of visiting cards.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: Are you really in love with this mug?
- Jean: Uh-huh.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: Don't you think it a little bit dangerous? I don't mean for us, I mean for your heart. They're apt to be slightly narrow-minded, the righteous people.
- [Jean is crying on her bed]
- 'Colonel' Harrington: My gracious! You know you shouldn't draw to an inside straight.
- Jean: What were you doing up the Amazon?
- Charles: Looking for snakes. I'm an ophiologist.
- Jean: I thought you were in the beer business.
- Charles: Beer? Ale!
- Jean: What's the difference?
- Charles: Between beer and ale?
- Jean: Yes.
- Charles: My father'd burst a blood vessel if he heard you say that. There's a big difference. Ale's sort of fermented on the top or something, and beer's fermented on the bottom, or maybe it's the other way around. There's no similarity at all. You see, the trouble with being descended from a brewer, no matter how long ago he brewed it, or whatever you call it, you're supposed to know all about something you don't give a hoot about.
- Jean: [in her Eve persona] Naturally I was frightfully anxious to see Uncle Alfred, and as I didn't know just where Connecticut was, I took the tube.
- Mr. Pike: [the crowd laughs] The subway.
- Jean: And to the official, I said, "Be so good as to let me off at Connecticut." You see, I thought we'd have the boxes sent up in a dray later that afternoon.
- Mr. Pike: The what?
- Bartender at Pike's Party: Trunks on a truck.
- [the crowd laughs]
- Jean: So he said, "Lady, I don't know where Connecticut is, but this train goes to Harlem."
- [the crowd laughs]
- Jean: But I don't know how he knew I was a Lady!
- [the crowd laughs]
- [Jean screams upon waking]
- 'Colonel' Harrington: [rushing in] What's 'e matter?
- Jean: Oh, I'm sorry. That slimy snake! I've been dreaming about him all night.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: You mean Pike?
- Muggsy: I wanna ask you a hypo-thermical question.
- Mr. Clink - Purser: Maybe that would be better to ask the doctor.
- Muggsy: Never mind the wisecracks.
- Charles: There's just one thing. I feel it's only fair to tell you. It would never have happened except she looked so exactly like you.
- Charles: Men - that is, lots of men, are more careful in choosing a tailor than they are in choosing a wife.
- Jean: [as Lady Eve] That's probably why they look so funny.
- Charles: No, dear, they're more careful in choosing a tailor than in choosing a wife.
- Jean: Oh? But not you, Charles?
- Charles: That's right.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: I don't think you realize the beauty of your situation. You're holding a royal flush.
- Gerald: You've got him right by the ears.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: You know, I had nothing to do with this arrangement. But now that you're in it, you might as well go...
- Charles: What I am trying to say is - only I'm not a poet, I'm an ophiologist - I've always loved you. I mean, I've never loved anyone but you.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: The trouble with people who reform is, they always want to rain on everybody else's parade, too.
- Jean: I don't know why it is, but a sucker always steps on your feet.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: A mug is a mug in everything.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: Greetings, my little minx. I hope I find you well and that your little pal hasn't fallen overboard.
- Gerald: With our $600.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: [Hurrying into her room after Jean screams] What's the matter?
- Jean: Oh, I'm sorry. That slimy snake. I've been dreaming about him all night.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: You mean Pike?
- Jean: No. His reptile. He travels with a snake act.
- Jean: I think Charles is in love with me.
- Gerald: No?
- Jean: Yes.
- 'Colonel' Harrington: Of course he's in love with you. Who is he not to be in love with you who have beautified the North Atlantic?