Air Raid Wardens (1943)

Howard Freeman: J.P. Norton

Photos 

Quotes 

• J.P. Norton : I volunteered to be a victim. I certainly never thought I'd fall in the hands of those idiots!

  [Referring to Laurel & Hardy] 

  J.P. Norton : I'd rather fight Japs - bare handed.

• J.P. Norton : Madison, you've got to get rid of those misfits!

  Dan Madison : I just talked to them, Mr. Norton. They're awfully broken up about this. I'm sure it was an accident.

  J.P. Norton : They are both accidents!

• J.P. Norton : With those men, we can never achieve perfection.

  Dan Madison : Oh, yes we can. We're getting better all the time. We won't make the same mistakes twice.

  J.P. Norton : I hope not.

  Dan Madison : Look, Mr. Norton, why are you doing this work?

  J.P. Norton : Why? Why? To serve my country.

  Dan Madison : Well, that's their idea too.

• Dan Madison : Boys, I hate to do this; but, I'll have to ask you to turn in your equipment.

  Oliver : Now, Mr. Madison, surely you don't believe we were drunk last night?

  Dan Madison : I'm sorry. The decision has been made. It's for the good of the service.

  Stanley : You mean, they're better without us?

  J.P. Norton : You men have caused nothing but trouble. First, you wrecked the gymnasium. Then you wrecked me. And now, drunk.

  Stanley : Well, you know best. When we couldn't get in the Army or the Navy, Mr. Madison told us that we could do this kind of work and - it made us happy. We tried hard. But, I guess we're not smart like other people. But, if we can do something for our country, by not doing this work, we'll do that too. We'll do anything that Uncle Sam wants us to do. Won't we Ollie?

• Stanley : 111 Main Street.

  Oliver : [pretending the building is on fire for emergency training]  Hey,you can't go in there! That place is a blazing inferno of flames and smoke, where one false step might mean sudden death, it says here.

  Stanley : Well, what'll we do if it's burn-...

  Oliver : We'll crawl in.

  Stanley : How are we gonna crawl in - - ?

  Oliver : Get down on your knees and quit arguing!

  [Stanley crawls into the building and briefly stands up] 

  Oliver : Get down.

  [Stan and Ollie crawl in together] 

  Stanley : [they stand up]  How do you do, Mr Norton?

  Oliver : Careful, Mr. Norton, this place is on fire.

  Stanley : Yeah, we've come to rescue you.

  J.P. Norton : That's just what I was afraid of. All right, let's get started, boys.

  Oliver : Yes sir.

  [reads instruction card] 

  Oliver : "Fractured right arm, fractured right leg, possible jaw fracture, burns on the face." Mm-mm-mm. Uh, you'd better lie down, Mr. Norton.

  Stanley : Yeah, and we'll fix you up right away.

  J.P. Norton : Gentlemen, I want to cooperate, but uh, are you sure this is the place you were sent to?

  Oliver : Oh, why certainly, I've got our orders right on a piece of paper.

  Stanley : Show 'em to him, Ollie.

  Oliver : Just a second, sir.

  Stanley : We wouldn't come here without orders, you know. We've certainly-...

  Oliver : I've lost it.

  Stanley : You'd better call headquarters to be sure.

  Oliver : Pardon us again, Mr. Norton; come, Stanley.

  Stanley : We'll be right back.

  [pushes a block-and-tackle hook away which knocks Mr. Norton unconscious] 

  Stanley : Look, he changed his mind.

  Oliver : I thought he would.

  [walks over to Mr. Norton] 

  Oliver : Thanks for cooperating, Mr. Norton.

  Stanley : That's the spirit.

  Oliver : Get me that plank.

  [Stan brings a wooden truck bed rail over and accidentally hits Ollie from behind] 

  Oliver : Oof! Why don't you watch what you're doing? Put that plank down. There, now slide him over, easy now; easy, easy, that's it.

  [Stan rolls Mr. Norton onto the boards] 

  Oliver : Now let's see: fractured back, raise that plank.

  [Ollie gets out some gauze strip bandages and wraps them onto Mr. Norton]