Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

Cary Grant: Mortimer Brewster

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Quotes 

• Mortimer Brewster : Look I probably should have told you this before but you see... well... insanity runs in my family...

  [he hears Abby and Martha singing] 

  Mortimer Brewster : It practically gallops.

• [last lines] 

  Mortimer Brewster : No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge!

  [he runs off across the cemetary] 

  Cab Driver : And I'm not a cab driver, I'm a coffee pot!

• Mortimer Brewster : The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.

  Teddy Brewster : Code for Roosevelt?

  Mortimer Brewster : Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?

  Teddy Brewster : Rooster!

  Mortimer Brewster : Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?

  Teddy Brewster : Crows.

  Mortimer Brewster : It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?

  Teddy Brewster : On the veldt!

  Mortimer Brewster : There you are: crows - veldt!

  Teddy Brewster : Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.

• Mortimer Brewster : Look, you can't do things like that! Now, I don't know how I can explain this to you. But, it's not only against the law, its wrong!

  Martha Brewster : Oh, piffle!

  Mortimer Brewster : It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... Well... This is developing into a very bad habit!

• [Elaine is impatient to leave on the honeymoon] 

  Elaine Harper : But, darling - Niagara Falls.

  Mortimer Brewster : It does? Well, let it.

• Elaine Harper : But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.

  Mortimer Brewster : One thing at a time!

• Aunt Martha : For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.

  Mortimer Brewster : Hmm. Should have quite a kick.

• Mortimer Brewster : Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of presenting...

  Teddy Brewster : Doctor Livingston?

  Dr. Gilchrist : Livingstone?

  Mortimer Brewster : Uh, well, that's what he presumes.

• Mortimer Brewster : When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!

• [on the telephone] 

  Mortimer Brewster : Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure?

  [hangs up] 

  Mortimer Brewster : Well, then I must be here.

• Lt. Rooney : Who are you? What's your name?

  Mortimer Brewster : Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.

• Mortimer Brewster : I saw a play last week, it had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathon.

  Abby Brewster : Oh, really?

  Mortimer Brewster : Yeah, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called "Murder Will Out".

  Abby Brewster : Oh, dear!

  Mortimer Brewster : Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing...

  [opens the window seat and finds a dead body] 

• Mortimer Brewster : Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men down in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.

  Aunt Abby Brewster : Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.

• Mortimer Brewster : I probably should have told you this before but, you see, well... insanity runs in my family.

  [He hears Abby and Martha singing] 

  Mortimer Brewster : It practically gallops!

• Mortimer Brewster : Look, Aunt Martha, men don't just get into window seats and die!

  Abby Brewster : We know, dear. He died first.

  Mortimer Brewster : Wait a minute! Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?

  Abby Brewster : Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.

  Mortimer Brewster : How did the poison get in the wine?

  Martha Brewster : Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.

  Mortimer Brewster : You mean, you... You put it in the wine!

  Abby Brewster : Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming.

  Mortimer Brewster : Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?

  Abby Brewster : Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.

  Mortimer Brewster : Oh, it's first-degree.

  Abby Brewster : Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.

• Teddy Brewster : [Mr. Witherspoon has just met Teddy and Teddy pulls Mortimer aside]  Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out?

  Mortimer Brewster : Who?

  Teddy Brewster : [points to Mr. Witherspoon]  Taft!

• [speaking of a character in a play he has seen] 

  Mortimer Brewster : He sits there *waiting* to be tied up and gagged!

  [laughs] 

  Mortimer Brewster : The big dope!

• Mortimer Brewster : [trying to make Jonathan leave]  Now, Jonathon. Be a good fellow. Here's ten dollars. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel?

• Martha Brewster : [about the men they have poisoned]  Let me see, now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby?

  Abby Brewster : Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve.

  Martha Brewster : Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven.

  Abby Brewster : No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.

  Martha Brewster : But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one.

  Abby Brewster : Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.

  Martha Brewster : It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes.

  Mortimer Brewster : Makes it twelve? Twelve.

• Cab Driver : Hey! $22.50!

  Mortimer Brewster : What?

  Cab Driver : $22.50!

  Mortimer Brewster : Oh, yes, looks good on you!

  Cab Driver : Yeah. Not the suit, the meter!

• Mortimer Brewster : But there's a body in the window seat!

  Aunt Abby : Yes, dear, we know.

  Mortimer Brewster : You know?

  Martha Brewster : Of course!

  Aunt Abby : Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.

  Mortimer Brewster : Forget?

  Aunt Abby : We never dreamed you'd peek.

  Mortimer Brewster : What the...?

• Mortimer Brewster : [finding a second body in the window seat]  Ye, Gods! There's another one!

• Mortimer Brewster : Even the cat's in on it!

• Cab Driver : Hey, you! Five more bucks and you'll own it!

  Mortimer Brewster : Oh, no thanks! It wouldn't fit me!

• Mortimer Brewster : [introducing Teddy to Gilchrist]  Oh, uh, Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of introducing...

  Teddy Brewster : Dr. Livingstone!

  Dr. Gilchrist : Livingstone?

  Mortimer Brewster : Yeah, well, that's what he presumes.

• Elaine Harper : Now, wait a minute! Listen! You can't marry me one minute and throw me out of the house the next.

  Mortimer Brewster : I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?

  [pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper] 

  Elaine Harper : Mortimer!

  Mortimer Brewster : [picks up the phone]  I'm sorry, Judge. But a thing happened. Look, Judge... About Teddy... you see, he's...

  Elaine Harper : Mortimer!

  Mortimer Brewster : [into the phone]  You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution.

  Elaine Harper : How do you like that...

  Mr. Gibbs : I read an ad here about a room to rent...

  Elaine Harper : Oh, shut up!

• Mortimer Brewster : Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!

• [Explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married] 

  Mortimer Brewster : You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.

• Mortimer Brewster : All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing.

• [Meeting with Dr. Gilchrist in the cemetery] 

  Mortimer Brewster : Pull up a tombstone!

• Mortimer Brewster : [on the telephone]  Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea.

  [throws down the phone in disgust] 

• Aunt Abby Brewster : Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?

  Mortimer Brewster : Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

• Mortimer Brewster : Wait outside.

  Dr. Gilchrist : But it's Halloween!

  Mortimer Brewster : Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.

• Mortimer Brewster : Now look, darling, how did he die?

  Abby Brewster : Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.

  Mortimer Brewster : Well, how did the poison get in the wine?

  Martha Brewster : Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.

• [to Jonathan] 

  Mortimer Brewster : Where did you get that face? Hollywood?

• Mortimer Brewster : [watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette]  Go on - fight, fight. I don't care.

  Mortimer Brewster : [watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe]  Oh, don't do that. It never works.

  Mortimer Brewster : [Jonathan collapses]  What do you know? it worked!

• Dr. Einstein : At least people in plays act like they've got sense.

  Mortimer Brewster : Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?

  Dr. Einstein : [agonizing]  How can somebody be so stupid!

• Elaine Harper : [Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine]  Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?

  Mortimer Brewster : Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!

• Mortimer Brewster : What is this? Did everybody in Brooklyn know I was going to get married except me?

  Martha Brewster : We knew you'd find out about it in time.

• Mortimer Brewster : Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!

  Elaine Harper : [Adoring]  Yes, Mortimer.

  Mortimer Brewster : What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?

  Elaine Harper : [Adoring]  No, Mortimer.

  Mortimer Brewster : And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...

  [He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office] 

• [after finding the dead body in the window seat] 

  Mortimer Brewster : But - what happened to him?

  Martha Brewster : [cheerfully]  He died.

• Jonathan Brewster : [threatening Mortimer]  If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar.

  Mortimer Brewster : Cellar?

  Jonathan Brewster : There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.

• [singing] 

  Mortimer Brewster : There is a Happydale, far, far away...

• Mortimer Brewster : You didn't want the reverend to see the body?

  Aunt Abby : Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.

• Mortimer Brewster : [to Mr. Gibbs]  You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?

• Mortimer Brewster : [Stopping Teddy from playing his bugle]  No, no, no. Don't do that, Mister President.

  Teddy Brewster : But I cannot sign any proclamation without consulting my Cabinet.

  Mortimer Brewster : This must be secret.

  Teddy Brewster : A secret proclamation? How unusual.

  Mortimer Brewster : Yes, it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow.

  Teddy Brewster : Who's the other fellow?

  Mortimer Brewster : That's the secret.

  Teddy Brewster : Oh, I see! Very clever.

• Mortimer Brewster : [to Dr Einstein]  Stop underplaying, I can't hear you!

• [Mortimer has just been talking to his aunts but was interrupted by the phone ringing. He now hangs it up] 

  Mortimer Brewster : Now, where was I? Twelve... *TWELVE*?

  [He runs back to talk to his aunts again] 

• Mortimer Brewster : [to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha]  Come here. I've got the two nicest Aunts in the world. Of course, you've got the nicest nephew in the world, too.

• Photographer at Marriage License Office : Mr. Brewster?

  Mortimer Brewster : Now, look... Goodbye, dear.

• Teddy Brewster : What news have you brought me?

  Mortimer Brewster : Just this, Mr. President, the country is squarely behind you.

  Teddy Brewster : Yes, I know.

• Martha Brewster : [Mortimer is about to leave, but has Mr. Witherspoon's hat on]  Hmm! Hmm!

  Mortimer Brewster : What, hmm hmm?

  Martha Brewster : The hat!

  Mortimer Brewster : [Notices hat and throws it on the ground]  Argh!

  [slams door] 

• Mortimer Brewster : Mortimer Brewster: "Aunt Abbey, how can I believe you? There are 12 men in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them!"

  Abby Brewster : Abbey Brewster: "Yes, I did, but you don't think I would stoop to telling a fib!"

• Lt. Rooney : These papers ain't no good.

  Mortimer Brewster : Why not?

  Lt. Rooney : He signed it Theodore Roosevelt.