O. Henry's Full House (1952)

Fred Allen: Samuel Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief")

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : An oil well is a hole in the ground surrounded by suckers.

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Pull yourself together, William! What's a confidence man without confidence?

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : [Being chased by a bear]  We're going up a tree, William!

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Can bears climb trees?

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Here he comes! We'll soon find out!

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : [after shimmying up the tree]  William, I think it's a cinnamon bear.

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : I don't care what flavor he is. He's more apt to taste me.

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Which one of us is the smarter? How many times have you been in jail, William?

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Six times.

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : I have only been incarcerated twice. So the answer is obvious.

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : William, for a quick, safe return on your investment - you simply cannot beat kidnapping. I regard it as even a sounder proposition than swindling widows and orphans. And that is particularly true down here in this peruna-and-chitlins country, for the natives down here share one outstanding weakness: they love their children.

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : It's too risky. Suppose you kidnap an orphan? Who pays to get him back?

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : William, don't be so pessimistic.

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : J.B., William and I have decided you may keep the knife.

• William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : You know anything about children?

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Only one thing. Children have to do what grown-ups tell them to do, because we're bigger than they are.

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Go away, pussy. Go away. Nice pussy. Go away, pussy. Go on, go on, go on! You see, it's nothing if you're not afraid.

• William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : How much you gonna ask for him?

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : I intended opening up with a bid of 2,000.

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Two thousand? I think you're overestimating this kid's charm.

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : The trouble with you is you don't understand human nature. The blacker the sheep, the quicker they bail 'em out. And if I'm any judge of black sheep, we have come up with a collector's item.

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : How did he get the watch?

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : We were having dinner, and suddenly he put a red-hot boiled potato down my back and mashed it with his foot.

• William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : He wanted to play Indian and I didn't want to.

  Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : I see no reason why you couldn't oblige the little fella, William.

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : Except that he wanted to scalp me.

• Sam 'Slick' Brown (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : No reason to let a child get the best of you.

  William Smith (segment "The Ransom of Red Chief") : That's true only in theory.