Stalag 17 (1953)
Harvey Lembeck: Sgt. Harry Shapiro
Photos
Quotes
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Hoffy : They ought to be under the barbed wire soon.
Shapiro : Looks good outside.
Animal : I hope they hit the Danube before dawn.
Price : They've got a good chance. The longest night of the year.
Duke : I'll bet they make it to Friedrichshaven.
Animal : I bet they make it all the way to Switzerland.
Sefton : And I bet they don't get out of the forest.
Duke : Now what kind of crack is that?
Sefton : No crack. Two packs of cigarettes say they don't get out of the forest.
Hoffy : That's enough, Sefton. Crawl back in your sack.
Shapiro : He'd make book on his own mother getting hit by a truck.
Sefton : Anybody call?
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[Shapiro received 7 letters at mail call]
Animal : What do all those broads say?
Shapiro : What do they always say?
Animal : Lemme read one.
Shapiro : It's not good for you, Animal.
Animal : Hey, this is with a typewriter... it's from a finance company.
Shapiro : So it's from the finance company. So, it's better than no letter at all. So they want the third payment on the Plymouth.
[dropping each letter on the floor in turn]
Shapiro : So they want the fourth... the fifth... the sixth... the seventh... So they want the Plymouth.
Animal : Sugar Lips Shapiro. Amazing, ain't it?
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Shapiro : Tea is being served on the veranda. Animal, where are the napkins?
[Animal puts down some napkins as Dunbar and Bagradian approach the table]
Bagradian : [Imitating Ronald Colman talking to his real-life wife, Benita Hume] Do be seated, Benita. Hwah, hwah, what a perfectly charming table arrangement. They must have copied the pattern from "House Beautiful."
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Animal : [watching Sefton cook an egg] Are you gonna eat it all by yourself?
Sefton : Mm-hmm. The yellow and the white.
Animal : Is it all right if we smell it?
Sefton : Just don't drool on it.
Shapiro : You're not gonna eat the shells?
Sefton : Help yourself.
Animal : [Harry gives him half the shell] Hey, thanks. What are we gonna do with it?
Shapiro : We're gonna plant it, Animal. We're gonna grow us a chicken for Christmas.
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Duke : Come on, Trader Horn, let's hear it. What'd you give the krauts for that egg?
Sefton : 45 cigarettes. Price has gone up.
Duke : They wouldn't be the cigarettes you took us for last night?
Sefton : What was I gonna do with them? I only smoke cigars.
Duke : Niiice guy. The krauts shoot Manfredi and Johnson last night, and today he's out trading with them.
Sefton : Look. This may be my last hot breakfast on account of they're going to take that stove out of here, so would you let me eat it in peace?
Animal : Now ain't that too bad? Tomorrow you'll have to suck a raw egg.
Shapiro : Oh, he don't have to worry. He can always trade the krauts for a six-burner gas range. Maybe a deep freeze, too.
Sefton : What's the beef, boys? So I'm trading. Everybody here is trading. So maybe I trade a little sharper. That make me a collaborator?
Duke : A lot sharper, Sefton. I'd like to have some of that loot you got in those footlockers.
Sefton : Oh you would, would you? Listen, stupe. The first week I was in this joint, somebody stole my Red Cross package, my blanket, and my left shoe. Well, since then I've wised up. This ain't no Salvation Army - this is everybody for himself, dog eat dog.
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Sefton : Okay, Herr Preisshoffer, let's have the mailbox.
Price : The what?
Sefton : The one you took out of the corner of your bunk and put in this pocket!
[pulls a black queen out of Price's jacket]
Sefton : Let me show you how they did it. They did it by mail.
Harry Shapiro : Mail?
Sefton : That's right. Little love notes between our Security officer and Von Scherbach, with Schulz the mailman.
[gestures to a lightbulb hanging above a table]
Sefton : Here's the flag. They used to put a loop in the cord.
[does so]
Sefton : Did you ever notice? And here's the mailbox. Hollow black queens.
[pops the two queens open]
Sefton : Cute, huh? They delivered the mail or picked it up whenever we were out of the barracks, like for appell. And when there was a special delivery, they'd pull a phony air raid to get us out of here, like last night for instance. There wasn't a plane in the sky. Or was there, Price?
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Marko the Mailman : Today's camp news. Father Murray announces that due to local regulations, the Christmas midnight mass will be held at 7:00 in the morning. He also says, quote, "All you sack rats better show up for services, and no bull from anybody." Unquote.
[muttering]
Marko the Mailman : At ease.
Animal : At ease!
Marko the Mailman : Next. Monday afternoon, a sailboat race will be held at the cesspool. See Oscar Rudolph of barracks 7 if you wish to enter a yacht.
[laughter and boos]
Marko the Mailman : All right, at ease.
Animal : At ease!
Marko the Mailman : Next. Jack Cushingham and Larry Blake will play Frank de Notta and Mike Cohen for the pinochle championship of the camp.
Shapiro : That's a fix.
Marko the Mailman : [mutters of agreement] All right, at ease.
Animal : At ease!
Marko the Mailman : Next. Tuesday afternoon at 2:00, all men from Texas will meet behind the north latrine.
[laughter and boos]
Marko the Mailman : All right, at ease.
Animal : At ease!
Marko the Mailman : Next. A warning from the kommandant.
[boos]
Marko the Mailman : Anybody found throwing rocks at low-flying German aircraft will be thrown in the boob.
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Sgt. Schulz : Well, well, gentlemen, am I interrupting something?
Hoffy : Yeah, Schulz, we were just passin' out guns.
Sgt. Schulz : Guns?
[realizing he's kidding]
Sgt. Schulz : Ah, you're joking. Always with the visecrackers.
Shapiro : Visecrackers. Where did he pick up his English, in a pretzel factory?
Sgt. Schulz : You always think I'm a square. I've been to America. I've been wrestling there. I wrestled in Milwaukee and St. Louis, in Cincinnati, and I will go back. The way the war is going, I will be there before you.
Shapiro : You should live so long.
Sgt. Schulz : [sharing a laugh, then stopping] Here. That's me in Cincinnati.
Animal : [taking a picture] Who's the other wrestler? The one with the mustache?
Sgt. Schulz : That's my wife.
Animal : Hey, look at all that meat. Ain't she the bitter end?
Sgt. Schulz : [taking the picture back] Oh, give it back. You must not arouse yourself.
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Animal : It ain't fair, Harry. I'm telling you, it ain't fair. My Betty. Ain't she beautiful? She married an orchestra leader.
Shapiro : So what? There's other women.
Animal : Not for me.
[kissing the picture]
Animal : Betty. Betty.
Shapiro : Forget Betty, Animal. I'll get you a date with some of those Russian women.
Animal : You'll get me a date?
Shapiro : Sure. I'll get you into the Russian compound.
Animal : How? Pinky Miller from barracks 8 tried getting over there and they shot him in the leg.
Shapiro : It... it takes a gimmick, Animal. I figured us a little gimmick.
Animal : You did?
Shapiro : [pointing to his temple, indicating his brain] Sharp. Sometimes I'm so sharp, it's frightening.
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Hoffy : I called a meeting of the barracks chiefs this morning, Sefton. I thought maybe I could get you transferred to another barracks. But it turns out that nobody likes you any more than we do.
Sefton : So you're stuck with me, huh?
Animal : Maybe the Russian broads would take him.
Shapiro : Not with that kisser. Not anymore.
Duke : You got off lucky last night, Sefton. One more move, and you'll wake up with your throat cut!
Price : You listening, Sefton?
Sefton : Yeah, I still got one good ear.
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Shapiro : Good morning, Animal. What would you like for breakfast? Scrambled eggs with little sausages? Bacon and eggs sunny-side up. Griddle cakes. A waffle.
Animal : Stop it, Harry. I'm warnin' you.
Shapiro : Coffee, milk, or maybe a little cocoa.
Animal : Why do you do this to me every morning?
Shapiro : Hamburgers and onions, strawberry shortcake, gefilte fish, chopped liver...
Animal : [grabbing his scarf like a garrotte] I'll kill you, Harry, so help me.
Shapiro : ...chicken a la king. Let go, Animal, it's roll call!
[getting Animal to release him]
Shapiro : Hitler is waitin' to see us.
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Animal : As long as you're gonna move somebody in, how about a couple of them Russian broads?
Sgt. Schulz : Russian women prisoners?
Shapiro : Jawohl.
Sgt. Schulz : Some are not bad at all.
Animal : Ja. Just get us a couple with beautiful glockenspiels.
Sgt. Schulz : [sharing a roar of laughter, then stopping] Droppen sie dead!
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Harry Shapiro : [after a shot of schnapps Sefton brewed] Mr. Management, what are you tryin' to do? Embalm us while we're still alive?
Sefton : What'd you expect for two cigarettes? Eight-year-old bottle-in-bond? All the house guarantees is you don't go blind.
Animal : Blind? Harry! Harry! Harry, I'm blind, Harry. Harry, where are you? I can't see you. I'm blind, Harry. Harry. Harry, I'm blind.
Harry Shapiro : Blind? How stupid can you get, Animal?
[he raises takes Animal's hat, which has been covering his eyes]
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Animal : [opening Sefton's foot locker] Of all the hoarding cruds.
Hoffy : It looks like Macy's basement, don't it?
Lt. James Skylar Dunbar : That kid's richer than my mother.
Shapiro : [as he picks up a cuckoo clock, the bird pops out and "chirps"] Ah, shut up!
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Duke : How come the Krauts knew about that stove, Security? And the tunnel? How come you can't lay down a belch around here without them knowin' it?
Price : Look, if you don't like the way I'm handling this job, go get yourself...
Hoffy : Kill it, Duke. It's got us all spinnin'.
Duke : I just wanna know what makes them Krauts so smart.
Animal : Maybe they do it with radar. Maybe they got a mic hidden somewhere.
Shapiro : Yeah. Right up Joey's ocarina.
Duke : Or maybe it's not that they're so smart. Maybe it's that we're sto stupid. Maybe there's somebody in our barracks tipping 'em off, like one of us!
Sefton : You don't say.
Duke : Yes, I do say! One of us is a stoolie. A dirty, stinking stoolie!
Sefton : Is that Einstein's theory or did you figure it out for yourself?
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Animal : [finding a pair of pantyhose in Sefton's foot locker] For crying out loud. What would he be doing with these?
Duke : Suppose you ask me. Go on, ask me. Because I got the goods on Mr. Sefton. Because this time, he didn't shake me.
[setting up the telescope at the window]
Duke : Take a look for yourself. It'll curdle your guts.
Animal : [realizing] The Russian women!
Hoffy : [ushering him out of the way] Get away.
Duke : Here, try the end window, where the candy is.
Shapiro : Come on, Hoffy, we all want to see.
Hoffy : How'd he get over there?
Duke : Easy. Walked right through the gate, past the guard, like he was some Kraut field marshal.
Hoffy : Now we know what he got for the radio.
