White Christmas (1954)

Bing Crosby: Bob Wallace

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Quotes 

• Phil Davis : My dear partner, when what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting, whatever it is you've got left.

  Bob Wallace : When I figure out what that means I'll come up with a crushing reply.

• Phil Davis : I want you to get married. I want you to have nine children. And if you only spend five minutes a day with each kid, that's forty-five minutes, and I'd at least have time to go out and get a massage or something.

  Bob Wallace : You don't expect me to get serious with the kind of characters you and Rita have been throwing at me, do you?

  Phil Davis : Well, there've been some nice girls, too, you know.

  Bob Wallace : Oh yeah, yeah. Like that nuclear scientist we just met out in the hall.

  Phil Davis : All right, they didn't go to college. They didn't go to Smith.

  Bob Wallace : Go to Smith? She couldn't even spell it.

  Phil Davis : Oh, that's very funny. Ho, ho, ho. The crooner is now becoming the comic.

• Phil Davis : How much is "wow"?

  Bob Wallace : It's right in between, uh, between "ouch" and "boing".

  Phil Davis : Wow!

• Phil Davis : How can a guy THAT ugly have the nerve to have sisters?

  Bob Wallace : Very brave parents, I guess.

• Bob Wallace : How do you do?

  Doris : Mutual, I'm sure.

• Phil Davis : Give me one reason, one good reason, why we should spend our last two hours in Florida looking at the sisters of Freckle-Face Haynes, the dog-faced boy.

  Bob Wallace : Let's just say we're doing it for a pal in the army, huh?

  Phil Davis : Well, it's not good, but it's a reason.

• Gen. Thomas F. Waverly : Why here?

  Bob Wallace : Well, you got this nice big empty ski lodge, and the minute Phil and I saw it, we thought it was ideal, didn't we, Phil?

  Phil Davis : Uh, that's right, Bob, ideal. That's exactly the word we used, too - ideal. We looked at this big ski lodge and we said "Isn't it ideal, absolutely, ideal," didn't we?

  Bob Wallace : Ideal.

  Gen. Thomas F. Waverly : We've established the fact the lodge is ideal.

• Bob Wallace : [to Judy]  You outta consider yourself plenty lucky! You might have been stuck with this weirdsmobile for life!

• Bob Wallace : Miss Haynes, if you're ever under a falling building and somebody runs up and offers to pick you up and carry you to safety, don't think, don't pause, don't hesitate for a moment, just spit in his eye.

  Betty Haynes : What did that mean?

  Bob Wallace : It means we're going to Vermont.

• Bob Wallace : [to Phil and Judy]  You ought to be horsewhipped. First you, and then you, and then you again.

• Bob Wallace : We came up here for the snow. Where're you keepin' it?

  Emma Allen : Well, we take it in during the day!

• [Susan and the General enter the ballroom to find two rows of soldiers forming a path to the stage] 

  Bob Wallace : [Steping up to the General and saluting]  Troops ready for inspection, sir!

  Joe, Adjutant Captain : [at his side]  Just routine, sir.

  Gen. Thomas F. Waverly : ["inspecting the troops" at the inn]  I am not satisfied with the conduct of this division. Some of you men are under the impression having been at Anzio entitles you not to wear neckties. Well you're wrong. Neckties will be worn in this area! And look at the rest of your appearance. You're a disgrace to the outfit. You're soft! You're sloppy! You're unruly! You're undisciplined!

  [pause] 

  Gen. Thomas F. Waverly : And I never saw anything look so wonderful in my whole life! Thank you all.

• Bob Wallace : Oh, Phil, when are you gonna learn that girls like that are a dime a dozen?

  Phil Davis : Please, don't quote me the price when I haven't got the time.

• Phil Davis : [about Bob's idea to help the General]  I think it's impossible, ridiculous and insane!

  Bob Wallace : Anything else?

  Phil Davis : Yeah, I wish I'd thought of it first.

• Bob Wallace : [Regarding Phil]  I don't know what you see in this long drink of charged water but, honestly, after you get to know him he's almost endurable.

• Bob Wallace : Well, I've got a feeling I'm not gonna like it.

  Phil Davis : I got a feeling you're gonna hate it.

  Bob Wallace : Well, what am I doin' it for?

  Phil Davis : Let's just say we're...

  Bob Wallace , Phil Davis : [together]  ... doing it for an old pal in the army..

• [after Bob has found out about Phil and Judy's phony engagement] 

  Judy Haynes : Well, ib... ib... ib... It's always that she's been kind of a mother hen.

  Phil Davis : Yeah, we wanted the mother hen to leave the roost so that the little chick could... Oh, I guess we laid an egg.

  Bob Wallace : An egg? Brother, you laid a Vermont volleyball!

• Phil Davis : [to the Haynes sisters]  Mr. Wallace was just saying how remarkable it was that Benny Haynes' sisters should have eyes...

  Phil Davis : [voice cracks]  ... I-I-I mean, blue eyes. That is eyes, uh...

  Bob Wallace : Nice out.

• Phil Davis , Bob Wallace : [singing "Gee I Wish I Was Back In The Army"]  A soldier out of luck / Was really never stuck / There's always someone higher up where you can pass the buck / Oh, gee, I wish I was back in the army.

• Betty Haynes : Mr. Bones? Mr. Bones? How do you feel, Mr. Bones?

  Phil Davis : Rattlin'!

  Betty Haynes : Mr. Bones feels rattlin'. Ha ha. That's a good one. Tell a little story, Mr. Bones.

  Bob Wallace : A funny little story, Mr. Bones!

  Phil Davis : How can you stop an angry dog from biting you on Monday?

  Betty Haynes : That joke is old. The answer is to kill the dog on Sunday!

  Phil Davis : That's not the way to stop a dog from biting you on Monday!

  Betty Haynes : How would you bring the thing about?

  Phil Davis : Have the doggy's teeth pulled out!

  Betty Haynes : Oh, Mr. Bones, that's terrible!

  Phil Davis : Uh-huh.

  Betty Haynes , Bob Wallace : Yes, Mr. Bones, that's terrible!

  Phil Davis : Uh-huh.

• Phil Davis : [Looking at Judy; to Bob]  Hey, how about those big brown eyes?

  Bob Wallace : [Looking at Betty]  No, they're blue.

  Phil Davis : [Still looking at Judy]  Brown.

  Bob Wallace : [Still looking at Betty]  Unh-uh, blue.

  Phil Davis : [Follows Bob's gaze and sees Betty]  Oh, yeah. *Deep* blue.

• Bob Wallace : Oh, no. You wouldn't do this to me.

  Phil Davis : Wouldn't do what?

  Bob Wallace : After you dressed me up like a dame...

• Phil Davis : [after performing "Sisters"]  Hey, we're a smash. Let's take a bow!

  Bob Wallace : You crazy? We'll be takin' a bow down at the jail house. Come on.

• Phil Davis : Gosh, I hope I can take the electric blanket back.

  Bob Wallace : Where you got that?

  Phil Davis : Under the underwear.

  Bob Wallace : Oh, you'll get a nice tan.

• Phil Davis : [Buying train tickets]  Uh, I don't seem to have any cash.

  Bob Wallace : What did you do with THAT, leave it in your snood?

• Phil Davis : [about the train tickets]  I don't seem to have them. Maybe you got 'em, Bob.

  Bob Wallace : ME? You crazy? I saw you put 'em in your pocket.

  Phil Davis : Well, they're gone. There're gone. I must have left 'em in my girdle.

• Bob Wallace : We ate, and then he ate. We slept, then he slept.

  Phil Davis : Yeah, then he woke up and nobody slept for forty-eight hours.

• Bob Wallace : Hey, Davis! How you feelin'?

  Phil Davis : Oh, pretty good, Captain.

  Bob Wallace : I just dropped by to thank you for saving my life.

  Phil Davis : Well, it was a life worth saving, sir.

• Bob Wallace : Well, break your arm, or your ankle or your neck but don't break anything valuable, huh?

  Phil Davis : Okay, Bob. You can depend on me.

• Phil Davis : Because you're a miserable, lonely, unhappy man.

  Bob Wallace : Oh, you're wacky. I'm a very happy man.

  Phil Davis : Well, then you're happy for the wrong reasons and that's the same as being lonely and miserable except it's worse.

• Phil Davis : Imagine a girl in show business today wanting to settle down and raising a family. It's so refreshing, isn't it?

  Bob Wallace : [into his water glass]  Pushing, pushing.

• Ex-Soldier : [attempting to button his uniform pants]  Captain, dis things haff shrunked!

  Bob Wallace : Well, your appetite hasn't shrunk.

• Betty Haynes : Look who's talkin' about guilt!

  Bob Wallace : What do you mean by that?

  Betty Haynes : I mean you shouldn't mix fairy tales with liverwurst and buttermilk.

  Bob Wallace : What d'you have for lunch today?

  Betty Haynes : I didn't have lunch.

  Bob Wallace : Well, maybe you ought to eat some.

  Betty Haynes : Why is everybody suddenly so concerned about my eating habits? Why don't people just leave me alone?

• Phil Davis : Let's face it, Bob. You're a lonely, miserable man.

  Bob Wallace : What?

• Bob Wallace : Since you saved my life, you decided you have the right to run it.

• [last lines] 

  Phil Davis , Bob Wallace , Betty Haynes , Judy Haynes : [singing]  ... And may all your Christmases be white. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

• Bob Wallace : [after he learns that Betty and Judy has informed them they're singing in Vermont]  It sounds very Vermonty!

  [Phil rolls his eyes after Bob discovers that's why they should change their holiday plans] 

• Bob Wallace : [singing]  I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.

• Bob Wallace : [singing]  I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, where the treetops glisten, and children listen, to hear sleigh bells in the snow.