The Court Jester (1955)
Cecil Parker: King Roderick I
Photos
Quotes
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King Roderick : The Duke. What did the Duke do?
Hubert Hawkins : Eh... the Duke do?
King Roderick : Yes. And what about the Doge?
Hubert Hawkins : Oh, the Doge!
King Roderick : Eh. Well what did the Doge do?
Hubert Hawkins : The Doge do?
King Roderick : Yes, the Doge do.
Hubert Hawkins : Well, uh, the Doge did what the Doge does. Eh, uh, when the Doge does his duty to the Duke, that is.
King Roderick : What? What's that?
Hubert Hawkins : Oh, it's very simple, sire. When the Doge did his duty and the Duke didn't, that's when the Duchess did the dirt to the Duke with the Doge.
King Roderick : Who did what to what?
Hubert Hawkins : Oh, they all did, sire. There they were in the dark; the Duke with his dagger, the Doge with his dart, Duchess with her dirk.
King Roderick : Duchess with her dirk?
Hubert Hawkins : Yes! The Duchess dove at the Duke just when the Duke dove at the Doge. Now the Duke ducked, the Doge dodged, and the Duchess didn't. So the Duke got the Duchess, the Duchess got the Doge, and the Doge got the Duke!
King Roderick : Curious. I... I... hm? What? What's that? All I heard was that the Duchess had a siege of rheumatism. She's 83, you know.
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King Roderick : Take that horse and put it back under that idiot!
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King : Would you grant the king a little kiss?
Jean : Oh, certainly, sire, and don't worry. They say it isn't catching.
King : Oh, you are a little... catching?
Jean : Just because it runs in the family doesn't mean that everyone has it. Kiss me, sire!
King : Has it? Has what?
Jean : Don't I please you, sire?
King : Oh, yes, yes, but, eh, these brothers and cousins and uncles...
Jean : And aunts. But let us not talk about their swollen, twisted, pain ridden bodies. Hold me, take me in your arms, tell me I am yours!
King : But this, this uh writhing on the floor...
Jean : In agony.
King : How - how does one catch this thing?
Jean : Oh, the touch of a hand, the brush of a lip, but let us not spoil this moment!
King : What is this dreadful thing called?
Jean : Breckenridge's Scourge.
King : Who's Breckenridge.
Jean : My father!
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Princess Gwendolyn : Marry Griswold? Never!
King Roderick : What was that?
Princess Gwendolyn : He's a brute and a lout.
King Roderick : Brute or not, lout or not, if it pleases me you will marry Griswold.
Princess Gwendolyn : If it pleases you so much, you marry Griswold.
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King Roderick : Rules of Chivalry be hanged! Ravenhurst, take that nincompoop, and knight that nincompoop by noon tomorrow!
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King Roderick I : What are you loo-loo-looing about?
Hubert Hawkins : Oh, I'm not loo-loo-looing, Sire, I'm willow-willow-wailing.
King Roderick I : All right, all right. Willow away, willow away.
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King Roderick : Take the witch out and burn her!
Princess Gwendolyn : Harm one hair on her head and I throw myself from the highest turret!
King Roderick : Gwendolyn, you go too far.
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Hawkins : He's right. Rules of chivalry, you know.
King Roderick I : Rules of chivalry be hanged! And so will you!
Hawkins : [referring to Gwendolyn] She'll jump.
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Princess Gwendolyn : I've seen this monster and it's not for nothing he's called the grim, grisly, and gruesome Griswold.
King Roderick : Grim, grisly, or gruesome, you marry Griswold.
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King Roderick I : Gwendolyn dear, do stop plucking that thing.
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Princess Gwendolyn : When I marry, I marry for love. Someone dashing and romantic who will carry me off as a princess should be carried off.
King Roderick I : Ah, who fills your head with this childish fiddle-faddle?
[spotting Griselda]
King Roderick I : Ah, I know. Griselda. She of the evil eye.
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King Roderick I : My kingdom seething with revolt. Cutthroats and assassins in every tree! Why must I be surrounded by fools? Ravenhurst. Ravenhurst!
Ravenhurst : Sire.
King Roderick I : Could you have been so incompetent, bungled so horribly as to have permitted that child to live?
Ravenhurst : Sire, there is no child. My men assure me that none of the royal family escaped alive. Believe me, sire, this is nonsense.
King Roderick I : Nonsense? You call it nonsense, Ravenhurst? Is it nonsense that I cannot ride in my own domain without being murderously attacked? My child, I came within an inch of my life.
Princess Gwendolyn : [assuming he's overreacting] Oh, Father.
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King Roderick I : Each day, some new insurrection. Who is this Black Fox?
Ravenhurst : Oh, just some ridiculous adventurer with a handful of rabble.
Sir Brockhurst : Rabble today, but an army tomorrow. We need help to wipe them out, men and arms.
Sir Pertwee : Aye. An alliance with our good friend Griswold of the North.
Sir Finsdale : Aye, alliance. And quickly. He arrives tomorrow for the great tournament.
King Roderick I : Alliance with Griswold?
Ravenhurst : Sire, this rabble can be crushed.
Sir Brockhurst : Griswold has men and arms.
Ravenhurst : We need no uncouth interloper from the north.
King Roderick I : Uncouth, yes. But Griswold *is* strong.
Sir Brockhurst : Perhaps too strong. Perhaps our friend Ravenhurst fears an alliance would put Griswold and not himself at the king's right hand!
Ravenhurst : [drawing his sword] You shall die for this!
Sir Brockhurst : [drawing his own] One of us will!
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King Roderick I : Arrange for the wedding directly after the tournament. We'll make a show of this.
[to one of his guards]
King Roderick I : You there! Go hence. Scour the countryside, bring in the fairest wenches in the land. Mind you, see that they are the fairest. Wenches, laughter, song; that's what this court needs.
Ravenhurst : Indeed, sire, and the good Giacomo will provide it.
King Roderick I : Giacomo? Who is Giacomo?
Ravenhurst : He's the new jester I've sent for; by reputation, the gayest and wittiest entertainer in Europe.
King Roderick I : Splendid. What a festival this will be. Jousting by our boldest knights, wenches at our beck and call, my daughter married to Griswold, who will take her to his castle up north - *WAY* up north!
[laughter]
King Roderick I : My gentle lords, you make me very happy.
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King Roderick I : The key to the secret passage.
Princess Gwendolyn : Father, let me have it.
King Roderick I : So you'd run away, would you? Well, you trick me not. This key will never leave my person. You will marry Griswold upon the morrow, and I promise you, daughter or not, princess or not, one move, one false move, and your neck will snap like a twig.
Hawkins : [as the King snaps, he steps out from his hiding place] Where is he? Giacomo hides not behind drapes!
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King Roderick I : Members of the court, know you that the crown would make a most felicitous announcement concerning the defense and security of our great kingdom. I would have you know that today was an alliance consummated between the crown and our honored and valiant baron, Sir Griswold of McElwaine.
[he kicks Hawkins]
Hubert Hawkins : [singing] Uh, the terms/The terms...
King Roderick I : [kicking him again] We've already had the terms.
Hubert Hawkins : Sorry.
King Roderick I : To cement this alliance, I have decreed a royal marriage between Sir Griswold of McElwaine and Gwendolyn the fair.
[he kicks Hawkins again]
Hubert Hawkins : [singing] Uh, uh... rejoice, rejoice/Although his brain is brief/For when the larder's empty/She'll have a ton of beef.
[getting kicked again]
Hubert Hawkins : [switching places] Would you like to try the other side, sire?
[getting kicked again]
Hubert Hawkins : Thank you, sire.
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Ravenhurst : Sire, if I may suggest, it ill benefits the propriety of your high office to be seen with these unkempt wenches.
King Roderick I : What?
Ravenhurst : It is said the Incomparable Giacomo has a discerning eye for beauty. Uh, why not let him select a suitable companion for Your Majesty?
King Roderick I : Excellent, excellent. I trust the jester's reputation is based upon many years of... accomplishment?
Hawkins : Why do you think they call me incomparable, sire? Get it?
King Roderick I : Got it.
Hawkins : Good.
King Roderick I : Bring her to my chambers. Within the hour?
Hawkins : Within the hour.
Ravenhurst : Finish with the king and come to my chambers.
Hawkins : Within the hour.
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King Roderick I : What do you mean Griswold himself suggested a solution?
Ravenhurst : You yourself heard him, sire. He said were the jester of noble rank, he would challenge him to mortal combat.
King Roderick I : But the jester cannot fight in tournament. He's a commoner.
Ravenhurst : Then, sire, knight the jester.
King Roderick I : Knight the jester?
Ravenhurst : Griswold can then challenge him for the hand of Princess Gwendolyn, and by the rules of chivalry, she must wed the victor.
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King Roderick I : Sir Griswold of McElwaine, I bid thee welcome.
[he kicks Hawkins]
Hawkins : [singing and playing his lute] Uh, welcome, Sir Griswold/Your beard is full of hair/But do I say welcome or do I say
[bleating like a sheep]
Hawkins : Maaaa!
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King Roderick I : I've just met Griswold's emissary, and the marriage is approved.
Princess Gwendolyn : You know very well, Father, that when I marry, I marry only for love.
King Roderick I : I knew you'd say that. Now, Gwendolyn, do be reasonable. Don't you realize that without this alliance, our power, our prestige, our position could go like that?
[as he snaps, Griselda's spell on Hawkins is put back in place; he steps out of his hiding place, ready for action]
Princess Gwendolyn : Well, then let it go like that.
[as she snaps, the spell is broken, and Hawkins returns to hiding]
King Roderick I : I wish you to marry Griswold.
Princess Gwendolyn : And suppose I do not wish to marry Griswold?
[she snaps again, and the spell is put back in place; Hawkins steps out once again]
King Roderick I : I don't give a fig for your wishes.
[he snaps, and the spell is broken again]
Princess Gwendolyn : Well, I don't give a fig for yours.
[she snaps, and the spell is put back in place yet again]
King Roderick I : No one snaps at the king.
[he snaps, and Hawkins returns to his hiding spot]
King Roderick I : Don't you dare snap at me.
Princess Gwendolyn : I'll snap if I choose.
[she snaps, and Hawkins steps out again]
King Roderick I : Don't snap at me.
Princess Gwendolyn : [snapping] I will snap.
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King Roderick : Take that horse and put it back under that idiot.
