- Police Captain: Wait a minute! Haven't I seen you in here before?
- Lola Fandango: Just once, and it was purely by accident. The night my strap broke?
- [she shows her very revealing top]
- Tuggle Carpenter: Girls like me weren't built to be educated. We were made to have children. That's my ambition: to be a walking, talking baby factory. Legal, of course. And with union labor.
- Police Captain: Gentlemen, the city of Fort Lauderdale is once again under fire from the north. We've survived it before and I reckon we're gonna survive it again. To you newly installed officers on the force, I'd to give you a little rundown on what to expect. Expect anything. Anything and everything cause that's what you're gonna get. Now, Fort Lauderdale is not the only city to be invaded at this time. In Palm Springs and in Newport, from the beaches of the Mid Atlantic to the snows of Colorado, the students of America are gathering to celebrate the rites of spring. And, if you pardon a pun, you've got that right. They're our future voters, their citizens of our country, and they're our responsibility. But how the hell to handle them, that's a different manner.
- [laughter from officers]
- Police Captain: Now these kids didn't come down here to break the law. They'll break it for sure, but that's not their main objective. And remember that they are our guests. So, I want every man on the force to try his best, his level best, to try to avoid arresting anyone. I know that this going to take great will power but try. And, above all preserve your sense of humor. Cause you're gonna need it if you want to survive. And... God bless you all.
- TV Thompson: Nice kids, aren't they?
- Ryder Smith: Yeah, maybe a little too nice.
- TV Thompson: Yeah, funny thing about women, if you don't make a big pitch for them, they get mad. If you do, they get mad. How can you win?
- Ryder Smith: You can't, you're not playing for the same stakes.
- TV Thompson: Boy, I know what you mean. While you're seeing stars, they see a wedding ring. They're so darn, practical.
- Ryder Smith: You know something? I don't think they realize what a risk marriage is for men.
- TV Thompson: Well not so much for a rich guy like you. You can afford to be wrong. I can't even afford to be right.
- TV Thompson: Tuggle, are you a good girl?
- Tuggle Carpenter: Please, I don't want to disillusion you or disappoint you.
- TV Thompson: No, no, no, no. I won't be disillusioned or disappointed. Are you a good girl, Tuggle?
- Tuggle Carpenter: [reluctantly] Ummhmm.
- TV Thompson: [disillusioned and disappointed] Oh...
- Tuggle Carpenter: [leaving] I knew it.
- Ryder Smith: [talking about them getting intimate] Don't be frightened.
- Merritt Andrews: I'm not frightened and I'm not being coy. It's just that I've... I've never done anything like this before.
- Ryder Smith: You certainly had me fooled. All that talk.
- Merritt Andrews: That's all it was is talk, and unless you love me the way I love you...
- Ryder Smith: I love you, Merritt, I love you.
- [they kiss]
- Dr. Raunch: We are not discussing Dr. Kinsey, we are discussing interpersonal relationships.
- Merritt Andrews: What can be more interpersonal than Backseat Bingo?
- Merritt Andrews: Do you love me Ryder?
- Ryder Smith: I think so.
- Merritt Andrews: Do I love you Ryder?
- Ryder Smith: I hope so.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: For fifty weeks of the year, Fort Lauderdale, Florida is a small corner of tropical heaven, basking contentedly in the warm sun. During the other two weeks, as colleges all over the country disgorge their students for Easter vacation, a change comes over the scene. The students swarm to these peaceful shores in droves, twenty thousand strong. They turn night into day, and a small corner of heaven into a sizeable chunk of bedlam. The boys come to soak up the sun, and a few carloads of beer. The girls come, very simply, because this is where the boys are.
- Ryder Smith: Sophistication isn't a matter of where you come from or even what your family does. It's the way you - the way you think, your outlook on life, what you've experienced.
- Dean Caldwell: Dr. Raunch tells me, when I spoke to her on the phone, she suggested that you might be overly concerned with the problem of sex. Do you think you are, Merritt?
- Merritt Andrews: Dean Caldwell, I-I'd say there were probably a half a million co-eds in this country. I imagine 98% of them are overly concerned with that problem. So in that respect I guess I'm fairly normal.
- Merritt Andrews: In this day and age, if a girl doesn't become a little emotionally involved on the first date, it's gonna be her last - for that man, anyhow.
- Merritt Andrews: Honestly, Doctor, if a girl doesn't make-out with a man once in awhile, she might as well leave campus. She's considered practically anti-social.
- Dr. Raunch: You have used the term: make-out. Define that, please.
- Merritt Andrews: I beg your pardon?
- Dr. Raunch: I should like to know what making out means; as, so would the class.
- Merritt Andrews: Well, Dr. Raunch, I think they know already. Making out is what it used to be called necking! Before then, it was petting. And going back to early American days, it was also known as bundling. It's all the same game!
- Dr. Raunch: Miss Andrews, just what do you consider suitable subject matters for discussion in this course?
- Merritt Andrews: We're supposed to be intelligent! So, why don't we get down to the giant, jackpot issue? Like, should a girl or should she not under any circumstance play house before marriage?
- Tuggle Carpenter: I made a vow on the way down here. I promised myself I'd try for a man the chaste way. And, so help me, I'll keep it if I have to drop in with the local blacksmith and buy a belt!
- Merritt Andrews: I divided boys into three types: sweepers, the strokers...
- Ryder Smith: Educate me. What's a sweeper?
- Merritt Andrews: The ones that sweep you off your feet - or try to. Often leaving large bruises.
- Ryder Smith: The, eh, judo experts?
- Merritt Andrews: Right! Then, there are the strokers. They use the soft caress, usually accompanied by the soft words, the soft lighting and soft music.
- Ryder Smith: They, eh, set the stage, huh?
- Merritt Andrews: Um-hum. And if a girl gets too interested in the drama, act three is over before she even knows the curtain is up.
- Ryder Smith: What's that, eh, third classification?
- Merritt Andrews: Aw, the subtles. The ones with the subtle approaches. They have a lot of different techniques: discussions of erotic literature, Freud, the coming of age in Samoa.
- Merritt Andrews: How are things going with you two?
- Tuggle Carpenter: Oh, about the same. He hints what he wants. I hint about matrimony. And while each of us are hinting, the other isn't listening. He certainly is persistent, though. He keeps knocking on the door. It's just a question about how long I can keep it locked.
- Merritt Andrews: No girl enjoys being considered promiscuous, even those who might be.
- Ryder Smith: Now, that's a pretty old fangled notion, Merritt.
- Merritt Andrews: Oh?
- Ryder Smith: Sex is no longer a matter of morals. That idea went out with the raccoon coat. Sex is a part of personal relations.
- Merritt Andrews: Oh, really?
- Ryder Smith: It's a pleasant, thrilling thing. Like, like, like shaking hands! Or, making sure you'll catch a person's name when you're introduced.
- Merritt Andrews: I hadn't realized.
- Ryder Smith: It's like contributing to a charity or working on a civic committee. As a matter of fact, it's actually serving your fellow man.
- Tuggle Carpenter: Two days left. If he doesn't say something about something tonight, I think I'll clobber him.
- TV Thompson: [drunkenly] All right, now take sex...
- Tuggle Carpenter: You're always taking sex. I wish you'd take something else for a change.
- Ryder Smith: Are you going to blame me for what somebody else did to her?
- Merritt Andrews: I blame all of you who think of a girl as something cheap and common, just put here for your personal kicks.
- Merritt Andrews: I was angry. More than that, I was just plain scared. I kept thinking, it could have been me. It could have been, Ryder.
- Ryder Smith: You'd never lose your grip. You're a pretty strong girl Merritt.
- Merritt Andrews: Not really. No girl is when it comes to love - what she thinks is love. How do you know the difference?
- TV Thompson: That act you do in the tank. Stupendous routine you've got there, stupendous!
- Lola Fandango: Thank you. It's all a matter of breath control, you have to learn to control your lungs.
- TV Thompson: [looking at her chest] What lungs!
- Lola Fandango: Oh, I've seen the seamy side of life, my little one. It hasn't all been beer and roses by a long shot.
- Police Captain: [over police radio] Car 7: Go to Paradise Hotel. A live hammerhead shark has been placed in the pool.
- TV Thompson: What lungs. Get those lungs.
- Tuggle Carpenter: It hasn't anything to do with her lungs. She's got a little hose down there she breathes through. You see?
- TV Thompson: What lungs.
- Basil: Please, please! We don't want applause. Let's keep things as unfrantic and cerebral as possible. If you have any questions, ask them during the breaks. The selection you just heard was the "Nuclear Love Song" composed by our percussionist. Next is an original of my own, written for guitar and flute, entitled "A Meeting Between Shakespeare and Satchel Paige on Hampstead Heath".
- Dr. Raunch: For many Freshmen women, college provides their first experience in an adult heterosexual society. Their first unrestricted contact with members of the opposite sex. This sudden freedom may give rise to problems of interpersonal relationships. Today we discuss two of those problems: random dating among college Freshmen and premature emotional involvement.
- TV Thompson: Tuggle, suppose I give you a bang on the pipes and we lift a few cans together?
- Tuggle Carpenter: Could you translate that?
- TV Thompson: Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow and we'll have a couple of beers.
- Tuggle Carpenter: [stands up] Five feet, ten and a half.
- TV Thompson: Without heels?
- Tuggle Carpenter: Without stockings.
- TV Thompson: That's a lotta girl, Tuggle. A lotta - nice girl.
- TV Thompson: That's the trouble with the world today. We don't communicate with each other.
- Tuggle Carpenter: Yeah.
- TV Thompson: Now, take sex...
- Tuggle Carpenter: What?
- TV Thompson: I said, take sex! Now, sex is the most...
- Tuggle Carpenter: Excuse me, could I please have some more potato chips?
- TV Thompson: Sure. Sex to most people is a sort of a...
- Tuggle Carpenter: Which reminds - why do they call you TV?
- TV Thompson: I'm going into television. They hung it on me at school. Now, take sex!
- Tuggle Carpenter: I think that's interesting.
- TV Thompson: Oh, of course it is.
- Tuggle Carpenter: Television, I mean.
- TV Thompson: I was talking about sex.
- TV Thompson: In the final analysis, everything comes down to sex. Like I was saying, take sex...
- Tuggle Carpenter: I think we ought to take a walk!
- Angie: What is it between you and that TV character? A potato chip orgy everyday?
- Tuggle Carpenter: Not everyday, no. Sometimes we buy pretzels.
- Angie: Doesn't if ever bother you?
- Merritt Andrews: What?
- Angie: Our state of single blessedness. The lack of male companionship. Don't you ever think of it?
- Merritt Andrews: Occasionally. But, I decided not to major in it. The mind, Angie, is meant for many things.
- Angie: Not mine. It just keeps saying, "Where is he? Where is he?"
- Basil: Date me, tonight, Baby Ruth.
- Merritt Andrews: Booked.
- Basil: Date me, tonight, Big Girl.
- Tuggle Carpenter: I gotta date.
- [Basil looks at Angie, says nothing]
- Angie: Well, let's not be insulting.
- Basil: Date me, tonight, Short One.
- Angie: [smiles] What time?
- Merritt Andrews: You don't remember?
- Melanie Tolman: Oh, I must have been really smashed.
- Merritt Andrews: Stoned!
- Merritt Andrews: Ooo! What's in that, anyhow?
- Ryder Smith: Oh, a love potion. I tried everything else and now I'm trying to get you blotti - eh - blottoed.
- Merritt Andrews: You know something Ryder, you just may succeed.
- Ryder Smith: In what?
- Merritt Andrews: In getting me blottoed!
- Ryder Smith: Look, she got mixed up with the wrong people.
- Merritt Andrews: Have you met any right ones, lately?
- Merritt Andrews: I'm not much for the drinking bit.
- Ryder Smith: Good girl.
- Merritt Andrews: I'm not being prudish. I just don't believe in getting smashed. It's sort of juvenile. Not really worth the effort.
- Police Captain: [over police radio] Car 19... Student in pajamas directing traffic.
- Tuggle Carpenter: [points to TV's radio] What's that?
- TV Thompson: Police calls! I like to keep track of my friends.
- Tuggle Carpenter: Hey, Mel, hey, you talk to her during class. Which class is it?
- Melanie Tolman: Courtship and Marriage.
- Tuggle Carpenter: Oh, the birds and the bees, you'll have the whole hour. Now, lay it on thick!
- Angie: Why don't we all admit it?
- Tuggle Carpenter: Admit what?
- Angie: We're going to Lauderdale for one reason: to meet boys!
- Melanie Tolman: I guess I sound naive; but, I'm getting a real charge out of this.
- Dill: What's the charge?
- Melanie Tolman: Oh, being on my own, part of a bunch of live-it-up kids. I didn't reckon I could have so much fun in my life.