One, Two, Three (1961)
Horst Buchholz: Otto Ludwig Piffl
Photos
Quotes
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Otto : I'll pick you up at 6:30 sharp, because the 7 o'clock train to Moscow leaves promptly at 8:15.
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Otto Ludwig Piffl : Is everybody in this world corrupt?
Peripetchikoff : I don't know everybody.
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Otto : [bursts into room wearing boxers, shirt, tie and morning coat] I'm going to like this job!
C.R. MacNamara : It's about time you started cooperating.
Otto : You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!
C.R. MacNamara : Put your pants on, Spartacus!
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Otto : They have assigned us a magnificent apartment. Just a short walk from the bathroom.
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Otto : Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks.
Scarlet : [to MacNamara] He talks like that all the time.
[to Otto]
Scarlet : Tell him about Coca-Cola Colonialism.
Otto : As Chairman Khrushchev said on the 40th anniversary of the revolution...
C.R. MacNamara : [Interrupting] To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev!
Otto : [Drawing in a big breath and puffing out his chest] The hell with Frank Sinatra.
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Otto : You! I should take that "wedding present" and break it over your head!
C.R. MacNamara : That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail!
Otto : You got me into jail!
C.R. MacNamara : So we're even!
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[Otto muddles his coached answers]
Wendell P. Hazeltine : How is the situation here in Berlin?
Otto Ludwig Piffl : It shouldn't happen to a dog! Uh, I - I mean, it's a draw! Actually, the situation is hopeless, but not serious.
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Otto : We will take over West Berlin. We will take over Western Europe. We will bury you!
C.R. MacNamara : Do me a favor. Bury us but don't marry us.
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Otto : I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall Street.
C.R. MacNamara : Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?
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Peripetchikoff : I snitched Borodenko's secret police badge and had them both arrested.
Otto : You betrayed your own comrades?
Peripetchikoff : If I didn't do it to them, they do it to me.
C.R. MacNamara : Is old Russian proverb.
Otto : You're worse than he is.
Peripetchikoff : Look my young friend. I don't want to be name dropper, but what do you think Kruschev did to Malenkov? What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?
Otto : Is everybody in this world corrupt?
Peripetchikoff : I don't know everybody.
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Scarlet : Before you meet Daddy, I must warn you there are certain things he feels very strongly about. One is the Civil War.
Otto : Civil War?
C.R. MacNamara : If the subject comes up, just say it was a draw.
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Otto : Das ist eine Kuckucksuhr!
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Otto : Look, commissar, you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet zone.
Peripetchikoff : There may be a little problem.
C.R. MacNamara : Yeah, everybody's coming this way. Fifteen hundred people a day. You wanna fight all that traffic?
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Otto : And, of course, we'll see him on Mayday. He'll be marching by in the parade. We can wave to him.
C.R. MacNamara : You can also wave to him on Lenin's birthday and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday. That kid'll be parading all the time.
Scarlet : Well, at least it'll keep him off the street.
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Otto : [Pulls out a card] I'm a party member. Paid up 'til December. They need me there. I'm a missile scientist.
Peripetchikoff : Ah, that is one thing where we're ahead of America. In Cape Canaveral if missile goes wrong, they press special button and Pow! It blows up. But in Russia, we have two buttons.
Otto : [Smiling] Two buttons?
Peripetchikoff : One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist.
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Otto : At the age of six months, the baby will be enrolled in the People's Nursery School. Naturally, we will have visiting rights every other Sunday.
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Otto : The minute we arrive in Moscow, we must get on the waiting list for the People's Maternity Ward and the People's Obstetrician.
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Otto Ludwig Piffl : Darling, no woman in the world should have two mink coats until every woman has one mink coat.
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Otto : I will not be turned into a capitalist.
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C.R. MacNamara : Forget it, Piffl. You're not going to Moscow. You can't even get back to East Berlin.
Otto Ludwig Piffl : Why not?
C.R. MacNamara : Because you're an American spy.
Otto Ludwig Piffl : Who says so?
C.R. MacNamara : You did. Don't you remember last night, the police station. You signed a confession. An Americanish shpion.
Otto Ludwig Piffl : No. Nein nein nein nein nein.
C.R. MacNamara : Ya. Ya ya ya ya ya.
Scarlet : Isn't that thrilling darling? Why didn't you tell me?
Otto Ludwig Piffl : Nein! I'm not a spy. It's not true.
C.R. MacNamara : Makes you think, doesn't it? About all those other confessions?
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[Following his retrieval from East Berlin, Otto is laying on a sofa in MacNamara's office. As Scarlett begins to wake him, he hears a familiar sound. He turns over to see MacNamara's cuckoo clock on the wall. As he recognizes it, he turns towards MacNamara, who is watching the seen before him. Upon coming to his senses, Otto gets up]
Otto : You! I should take that wedding present and break it over your head!
C.R. MacNamara : That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail.
Otto : You got me into jail!
C.R. MacNamara : So we're even.
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[Scarlett and Otto are beginning to leave MacNamara's office when the latter comes in looking rather gleeful]
C.R. MacNamara : Wait a minute, kids! Before you go, I'd like to give you a little present.
Otto : Why?
C.R. MacNamara : It's customary when two people get married!
[MacNamara walks over to a nearby cabinet, which he opens and pulls out a cocktail mixer]
Scarlet : Otto's friends didn't give us any presents, instead, they sent the money to the unemployed cotton pickers of Mississippi.
C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the mixer] How about a cocktail shaker? No, I guess not.
[Sets the shaker down when an idea suddenly comes to mind. He grins gleefully]
C.R. MacNamara : I know...
[Points to his clock and removes it from the wall. As he does this, we walks over to his desk]
C.R. MacNamara : A cuckoo clock. Hand made by dwarves in the Black Forest!
Otto : So now they're exploiting dwarves!
C.R. MacNamara : I'm sorry I haven't got any fancy wrapping paper!
[MacNamara picks up his edition of the "Wall Street Journal" and uses it to wrap the cuckoo clock]
Otto : We do not want anything from you!
Scarlet : Otto, don't be rude, I think it's very sweet of Mr. MacNamara. Now we'll have a bed and a clock.
Otto : We will get our own clock in Russia.
C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the clock and approaches Otto and Scarlett] If your clocks don't run any better than your trains, you might as well take this one!
Otto : [Takes the clock and smirks] You laugh at us now, but not for long. Because you're arrogant, and fat, and bloated! The worms will have a picnic!
Schlemmer : See ya on the barricades pal!
[Otto puts his hat on and opens the door to leave. As he heads out, he stops to wait for Scarlett]
Scarlet : [Looks at MacNamara] When the day comes, I'll put in a good word for you.
Otto : Scarlett!
Scarlet : It's my parents I feel sorry for, it's too late to save them. Otto says they'll have to be liquidated. Bye.
[Scarlett waves before turning to leave with Otto. MacNamara watches them leave before shutting the door and heading over to his office window. He looks down and sees Schlemmer putting a balloon on the exhaust pipe of Otto's motorcycle]
C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!
[Schlemmer looks up towards the office window to see MacNamara]
C.R. MacNamara : [Points towards the front door] Hurry up!
[Schlemmer looks towards the front door to see Otto and Scarlett coming. With that, he finishes putting the balloon on the pipe and moves out of the way as Otto and Scarlett come outside. Otto walks up to his motorcycle while Scarlett heads towards MacNamara's car, where Fritz is waiting. As this is going on, Schlemmer hurries back inside]
Otto : [Kisses Scarlett] Auf wiedersehen, Leibchen.
Scarlet : Auf wiedersehen.
[Scarlett gets in the car. Otto watches her leave before he puts the clock in the sidecar of his motorcycle. A few seconds after starting it up, the exhaust begins to fill the balloon, which is shown to read "Russki Go Home." As Otto begins to drive off, MacNamara watches this gleefully. Seconds later, Schlemmer arrives in the office and clicks his heels]
C.R. MacNamara : [gleefully] Good boy, Schlemmer!
Schlemmer : Yes sir. Is there anything else you wish me to do?
C.R. MacNamara : No thanks, we can just sit back now and let the East German Police finish the job.
Schlemmer : Pardon me, I must be very stupid, but I do not understand any of this.
C.R. MacNamara : There's nothing to it. All it takes is a little knowledge of physics and elementary psychology.
[as MacNamara is talking, the camera fades to show Otto on his motorcycle, driving through West Berlin. What MacNamara describes occurs as follows]
C.R. MacNamara : Right now, Comrade Otto, Ludwig, Piffl, is tootling along on his motorcycle toward East Berlin. Gay, chipper, feeling like a million rubles. Little does he know that meanwhile, back at the exhaust, the fumes are filling the balloon. It gets bigger, and bigger. And all the time in the side car, a little booby trap is ticking away. Now if my calculations are correct, all these things will begin to pay off once he passes through the Brandenburg Gate.
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C.R. MacNamara : Now uh... what time are you kids leaving?
Scarlet : Seven o'clock on the Moscow Express.
Otto : Why do you want to know?
C.R. MacNamara : [Sarcastically] Because I'm gonna dynamite the train! What makes you guys so suspicious?
Scarlet : I'd better get back to the house and start packing. You think I ought to take both my mink coats?
Otto : Darling, no woman should have two mink coats until every woman in the world has one mink coat.
C.R. MacNamara : Why don't you cut the other one up and make him a pair of shorts? I hear it's freezing there all the time!
Schlemmer : [Whispering] Thirty below zero.
Otto : Fascist lies!
Scarlet : You'd better go home and pack too, darling.
Otto : It will take me no time. Just my chessboard, my extra shirt, and two hundred books.
C.R. MacNamara : Well as long as smiley here is going back to East Berlin, I'll get the car for you.
[MacNamara looks at Schlemmer]
C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, will you run downstairs and tell Fritz he'll have to take Scarlet home?
[as the two of them begin to walk off, MacNamara puts his hand on Schlemmer's shoulder]
Schlemmer : [Whispering] You are letting her go to Moscow?
C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering] In a pig's eye.
[MacNamara smiles as he and Schlemmer continue walking]
C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering] Now look, his motorcycle is downstairs. Remember that idea you had about the balloon?
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C.R. MacNamara : Now, uh, what time are you kids leaving?
Scarlet : Seven o'clock on the Moscow Express.
Otto : [with suspicion] Why do you want to know?
C.R. MacNamara : [with sarcasm] Because I'm gonna dynamite the train! What makes you guys so suspicious?
