Only Two Can Play (1962)

Peter Sellers: John Lewis

Photos 

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Quotes 

• John Lewis : You know what you're asking for, don't you?

  Gareth L. Probert : I always thought you were crude, Lewis, but right now you're surpassing even yourself.

  John Lewis : ...and you're going to get it in a moment, boy-o, and not in blank verse either.

• Edna Davies : In for the night, are you Mr. Lewis?

  John Lewis : If I was going out for the night, I'd be pointing the other way, Mrs. Davies.

• Edna Davies : Oh, going out are you, Mr. Lewis?

  John Lewis : Oh, very observant of you, Mrs. Davies.

  Edna Davies : Leaving the children alone, I suppose?

  John Lewis : Yes. I put the oil stove close to the cot and I turned the wick on.

  Edna Davies : You are not fit to have charge of children the way you carry on, Mr. Lewis.

  John Lewis : Well, I must get on with my boozin' now, Mrs. Davies. I have enjoyed our little chat.

• Jean Lewis : Remember, stick close to me. No wandering around, seeing what you can pick up, like you usually do.

  John Lewis : Now when did I last do that?

  Jean Lewis : The last time.

• John Lewis : That dress is too low, you know.

  Jean Lewis : Well, don't look down it.

  John Lewis : Don't look down it? It's the only pleasure left to me.

• Amorous Woman in Mobile Library : I don't know what we'd do without your visits; but, too long in between. Couldn't you ask them to let you come once a week, Mr. Lewis?

  John Lewis : Well, supply and demand, you know.

  Amorous Woman in Mobile Library : Oh, we could supply the demand if you'd let us.

• Gareth L. Probert : If you don't mind, Jean, I think I'll say good night.

  John Lewis : Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You've been here before, haven't you?

  Gareth L. Probert : Once, for tea. What of it?

  John Lewis : Tea and muffins, wasn't it? Or is *muffins* absolutely the right word?

  Jean Lewis : Just ignore him, Gareth.

• John Lewis : Well, we live and learn, don't we. I suppose you just felt the urge for a cosy, literary evening?

  Jean Lewis : Oh, no. Nothing literary about this evening. I was quite flattered.

  John Lewis : You were what?

  Jean Lewis : *Flattered*.

  John Lewis : You were flattered?

  Jean Lewis : Do you want me to spell it to you?

• [first lines] 

  Pretty Girl in Library : Good morning. Have you "Conditioned Reflexes"?

  John Lewis : Uh...

  Pretty Girl in Library : It's by Pavlov.

  John Lewis : Yes... It's out at the moment but if you'd like to leave your name, I could reserve it for you.

• John Lewis : Excuse me. Where do they keep the thunder box in this place?

  Party guest : I beg your pardon?

  John Lewis : Where does one go if one wants to wash one's hands?

• Gareth L. Probert : The original white collar slave. How are you, Lewis? Still peddling trash to the masses?

  John Lewis : Yes, that's true, yes. How 'bout you, still writing it?

• John Lewis : Hello, Bill. How's it been going? I hope the children didn't give you too much trouble.

  Bill : No, no... Those two were fine... That Bolk... I had to take him to the lavatory seven times.

• Salter : Am I to take it then that none of your family have ever been involved with plumbing?

  John Lewis : Well, as a matter of fact, my father once had an unfortunate experience on Euston station during the blackout. Uh, what happened was... You see, it was dark at the time and he didn't realize that the train was actually standing at the station at the time... Apart from that, no.

• Man with salt-obsessed friend : Something to do with his blood, you know. He got to get it into his bloodstream.

  John Lewis : Uh, the Pygmies have the same problem. Yes, I quite understand. Well, tell your friend not to worry because relief is on the way.

• [last lines] 

  Jean Lewis : You did very well.

  John Lewis : I think I'm definitely improving, don't you?

  Jean Lewis : Oh, you've still got a long way to go.

  John Lewis : We both got a long way to go, haven't we? Quite a long drive home, isn't it?

• John Lewis : What he does, you see, he puts the canvas on the floor, chucks some whopping great dollops of paint on it and drags a naked woman across it. Yes. Yes. Sort of job I'd like, that. I'd enjoy cleaning the brushes anyway.

• Hyman : [returning a book to the library]  You got any more books like that.

  John Lewis : Well, not exactly like that, My Hyman, no. Not quite so many egg stains.

• John Lewis : You know what they say, don't you? A page a day keeps the analyst away.

• John Lewis : There's no doubt about it. I'd be much better off as a road sweeper.

• Gareth L. Probert : How are you, Lewis? Still peddling trash to the masses?

  John Lewis : Yes, that's right, yes. How about you - still writing it?

• John Lewis : Well, as dramatic critic of the Aberdarcy Chronicle at 10 bob a time, I suppose I should agree with you, sir. However, in my own opinion, I think he's a puffed up, under-sized, four-eyed little twit. Excuse me, won't you?

  Vernon Williams : Fascinating.

• John Lewis : [to Gareth Probert]  I was plowing through your novel again the other day.

• Liz Gruffydd-Williams : You wouldn't like to go with some of us for a drink tonight, would you?

  John Lewis : Well, uh, that's very kind of you but, uh, unfortunately it's the children. You see, it's illegal to leave them unattended after dark.

• John Lewis : Um, how will I find you again?

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : [slipping off her shoes]  I'll leave a trail.

• John Lewis : They should have used you in the tank corps.

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : They did.

• John Lewis : If I might be allowed to sum up a gem of exquisite Welsh prose, "Push off while you are still in one piece."

• Liz Gruffydd-Williams : You're not the John Lewis who writes the dramatic criticism in the Aberdarcy Chronicle?

  John Lewis : Well, I think that's putting it a bit strong, no. I do the Gilbert and Sullivan, you know, and the miners club pantomime, but it's hardly Kenneth Tynan country really.

• John Lewis : [observing Mrs. Gruffydd-Williams, wife of a Councilman, avoid getting a parking ticket]  What it is to have influence.

  John Lewis : Yes. Mind you, a decent - *bust* measurement helps too, you know.

  Ieuan Jenkins : Oh dear, you do get rude sometimes, really, John.

• John Lewis : Ah, yes. "Expediency and Morality in Welsh Dress." Now, this is, this might be just what you're looking for.

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : "Morality in Welsh Dress"?

  John Lewis : It's got quite a history, this one. It was only taken off the banned list in 1959, since, when, of course, it hasn't been asked for.

• John Lewis : Now, then, what have we got here? There's "The Concise History of Codpieces." Now, there's a very interesting book.

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : I don't think that's *quite* the Darcy plays. Charming illustrations!

  John Lewis : Yes. Yes. It's a very popular book, in it's way, that one. Yes, it's a very popular book in it's way, that is.

• John Lewis : Ieuan, this is Mrs. Gruffydd-Williams who is desperate to pick your brains. Mrs. Williams, I leave you in safe hands.

  Ieuan Jenkins : Did I hear him say "Mrs. Gruffydd-Williams", Mrs. Gruffydd-Williams?

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : That's right.

• Jean Lewis : Is the dress all right?

  John Lewis : Yes, luv, it looks smashing, lovely. Yes. Did you do something with it, did you?

  Jean Lewis : Well, I - lowered the front of it. See. Not too low, is it?

  John Lewis : Well, as long as it stays up, you know.

  Jean Lewis : Oh, I hope so. I stuck some Elastoplast in my bra.

• John Lewis : [sarcastically]  I feel full of fun now. Just what I could do, an evening at home. Couldn't be better. Yes. The Lewis' at home, special house and garden feature: "Oh, yes," Mr. Lewis said, "Yes, we always dress for dinner." "Really?" "Yes, always." "Why is that?" "Well, you see, what it does it gives an extra flair to the bottle of HP Sauce on the mantlepiece."

• Liz Gruffydd-Williams : What did you think of 'ol Bill?

  John Lewis : Oh, I thought he was a very public-spirited chap.

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : He's not bad, is he - for last year's model.

• Jean Lewis : Did you say Mrs. Gruffydd-Williams actually offered to help?

  John Lewis : Yes.

  Jean Lewis : There, you see, I told you to cultivate her.

• Liz Gruffydd-Williams : Have some caviar.

  John Lewis : Oh, thank you very much. I've never had caviar before.

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : It's worth trying.

  John Lewis : Yes, well, I'll try anything once.

  Liz Gruffydd-Williams : Once?

• John Lewis : Don't panic! It's only cattle. That's all it is.

• John Lewis : What's the Catcher in the Rye doing - apart from wearing his red neck?

• Jean Lewis : Give us a puff, will you?

  John Lewis : All right. Give us a kiss, first then.