It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)

Alan Carney: Police Sergeant

Photos 

Quotes 

• Police Radio Unit F-7 : F7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in the hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We've got to let them out!

  Police Sergeant : That ain't fair.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : It ain't fair? What ain't fair?

  Police Sergeant : They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?

  Police Sergeant : Ahhh. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : Ummm. Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : [to Police Sergeant]  Are you happy?

• Police Sergeant : He just sits in there, rigid-like.

  Gertie : If he catches you at that keyhole, *you'll* be rigid-like.

• Police Radio Unit F-7 : [voice]  F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.

  Police Sergeant : That ain't fair.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : It ain't fair? What ain't fair?

  Police Sergeant : They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?

  Police Sergeant : Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

• Capt. T.G. Culpeper : You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

  [Everybody stares] 

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : Nothing will happen here for five minutes.

  Schwartz : Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.

  Capt. T.G. Culpeper : No calls. No calls. No more calls.

  Lt. Matthews : Something's wrong.

  Police Sergeant : Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.