How to Save a Marriage and Ruin Your Life (1968)

Dean Martin: David Sloane

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Quotes 

• David Sloane : I'll never ruin another woman, unless I know she's old enough for Medicare.

• David Sloane : Harry, I've had martinis all over the world... and I can safely say... yours are the worst.

• David Sloane : Miss Corman, good-bye. They say that a man forgets pain and remembers pleasure. My memory of you will be a complete blank.

• David Sloane : Ask him! Harry's never been a liar.

  Mary Hunter : I wouldn't degrade myself. My attorney will ask him that question.

  David Sloane : Your attorney? You'd spend $20,000 for an answer you could get by just simply turning over in bed and tapping your husband on the shoulder?

  Mary Hunter : You mean on those rare occasions when I find him there?

• Carol Corman : Pardon me.

  David Sloane : Yes?

  Carol Corman : Do you have the time?

  David Sloane : No.

  Carol Corman : It's 10 after five.

  [David thinks to himself: Harry didn't say she was bright] 

• Mary Hunter : Aren't you shocked?

  David Sloane : I just got back from Rome. Nothing would shock me.

• Harry Hunter : When your marriage isn't going well, the last thing you look for is another woman.

  David Sloane : How come it's the first thing you find?

• Harry Hunter : How do you describe a saint?

  David Sloane : Usually, they're dead. Now a saint she ain't. So throw me a few of her mortal qualities.

• David Sloane : Have you any plans for tonight?

  Carol Corman : Just a convulsion.

  David Sloane : Wouldn't you rather have a drink?

• Harry Hunter : [Describing Muriel]  Honest, loyal, selfless, devoted, dedicated, understanding. You've never met anyone like this.

  David Sloane : I don't think you have either. And I pity the wife of a man who thinks he has.

• David Sloane : My name's David Sloane, and I find you terribly attractive. Are you married? You emotionally involved with any other man? Is there any other reason why you and I shouldn't have a drink together?

  [Carol shakes her head to each question] 

  David Sloane : Let's go have drink.

• Carol Corman : [In her thoughts about David]  Such a rare combination. So masculine and yet so sensitive.

  David Sloane : [In his thoughts about Carol]  If she had the guts to tell me a story like that, why haven't I got the guts to hit her with that ketchup bottle?

• David Sloane : I have a friend who's in trouble. He doesn't know it, and I have to warn him.

  Carol Corman : You're the kind of man who would go out in the middle of the night to help a friend.

• Harry Hunter : [Pointing to a big shaggy dog in his station wagon]  Mary's mother gave that to me as a present. She trained it. She would show it photos of me and say, 'Kill! Kill!'

  David Sloane : Harry, cradle the affectionate little creature in your arms. Add a wing to your house so Mary's mother can be with you forever.

  Harry Hunter : Will you roll up your sleeves so I can see the needle marks?

• Harry Hunter : David, only a cruel, sadistic mind could think of that.

  David Sloane : Now you're beginning to appreciate me.

• Harry Hunter : This is anarchy, socialism, creeping Trotskyism. Isn't that what you told me in the cab?

  David Sloane : And you're going to take advice form a man that almost destroyed you? Look what I've done to you.

• David Sloane : Hey, when are you ever gonna learn, Harry?

  Harry Hunter : I trusted you.

  David Sloane : Oh, don't try to squirm out. Admit it. Your judgment was lousy.

  Harry Hunter : But this is an attack on my integrity.

  David Sloane : Integrity? When I came into your office telling poisonous, horrible lies about this saint-like creature, why didn't you have me tossed out?

  Harry Hunter : I don't know. Why didn't I?

  David Sloane : Because there's a flaw in your character, that's why, Harry.

  Harry Hunter : David, help me.

• David Sloane : If we only knew what turned decent people into Harry Hunters, evil would be erased from the face of the earth.

  [Harry buries his face into the mantlepiece and cries quietly] 

  David Sloane : Aw, cry it out, baby, cry it out.

• Carol Corman : There is one type of woman that's very popular with men.

  David Sloane : Yeah, what type is that?

  Carol Corman : Widows.

  David Sloane : Well, that's a little extreme, but I want to help.

  Carol Corman : Particularly those with small children. It stimulates a man's protective instincts. If you were really concerned about my future happiness, you'd leave me a widow with, uh... five, uh... or six small children.

  David Sloane : It's probably best you become a young widow.

  Carol Corman : It will help.

• David Sloane : Somewhere in this neighborhood there's a beast with peanuts in one hand and a martini in the other, waiting to pounce on any women who have emotional problems.

• Carol Corman : I'll go to see the chief psychiarist. I'll plead with him.

  David Sloane : No, don't. He's a man. No, you've been through enough. Now, just get into a taxi. Go straight home, and be sure the driver's a woman.

• David Sloane : I think a very good friend of mine is making a serious mistake. He may be trading in a woman who gets headaches for one who gives 'em.

• Carol Corman : When I mentioned marriage to you, it must have been an awful moment.

  David Sloane : It sent a chill right through me.

• David Sloane : No, no. Don't give her the satisfaction of anger. Act as if you're the one breaking it off.

  Harry Hunter : Huh?

  David Sloane : Yeah, send her a note.

  Harry Hunter : That's right. I'll break it off.

  David Sloane : Yeah, cold, formal, unemotional.

  Harry Hunter : [Writing and breaking pencil points]  You... You craven... You craven, double-crossing Jezebel...

  David Sloane : [Trying to interrupt Harry's frantic writing]  No, Harry... Harry, write this: "This is to inform you..."

• Harry Hunter : Oh, I see. That's good, that's good. I see what you mean. Cold, unemotional... like firing an old trusted employee.

  David Sloane : Now you're getting the idea.

• David Sloane : A man. You were with a man.

  Carol Corman : I was thinking of you the whole time. His face was your face. His arms were your arms. His lips were your lips!

  David Sloane : Why?

  Carol Corman : To save our relationship! You told me that desire would turn to pity and pity to hate. And - I did feel desire last night.

  David Sloane : So you let another man make love to you?

  Carol Corman : I was only fighting for our happiness. I didn't want to ever hate you.

  David Sloane : Who was it?

  Carol Corman : A man.

  David Sloane : What was his name?

  Carol Corman : I don't know.

  David Sloane : You didn't eve ask his name?

  Carol Corman : It didn't seem important.

• Harry Hunter : May-maybe it starts the first time you come home twenty minutes late for dinner, and your wife greats you at the door with those welcoming words, 'The meatloaf is cold!' Your first instinct is to say, 'If it's cold, reheat the lousy thing.' Instead you apologize, and you say you love cold meatloaf! That cold meatloaf you eat is your Münich. You've said, 'Peace at any price.' It's when you light a cigar in the living room, and she sniffs as though you're polluting the air. Rather than contaminate this delicate flower you married, you go out and finish the cigar on the front lawn. Like- like a dog who's being punished for soiling the rug. Maybe the first night she uses the ultimate weapon. You walk into- into your bedroom, and there on the night table next to her stands the aspirin bottle. With a grim message: Have headache- don't touch! What do you do?

  David Sloane : Don't touch.

  [Harry fumes and moans] 

  Harry Hunter : You curl up in the fetal position and you pray for merciful sleep! And children. Children! She won't even discuss it. I always wanted a child. And if it were a boy: H.H. Hunter and Son! I guess that's how it starts. There are no- no violent scenes, no drawn knives, no blazing guns, just a thousand little frustrations! And suddenly one night you find yourself with a perfect stranger!

• Harry Hunter : [after Sloane has given Hunter some bad news about Hunter's supposed mistress]  From the beginning you've been determined to vilify this innocent girl.

  David Sloane : Harry, this is one of the most painful duties I've ever had to perform.

  Harry Hunter : Sloane, I'm ashamed to dignify this evil lie with a phone call. When I hang up, I expect you to walk into the next room. And soon after, I want to hear a gunshot!

• David Sloane : Harry's not the mistress type. You know, I spent four years in the Army with him and he was even too shy to ask a girl for a date.

  Mary Hunter : Maybe marriage has matured him.

• Wally Hammond : Where have you been?

  David Sloane : Rome. The firm's setting up a branch.

  Wally Hammond : How are the girls?

  David Sloane : Planning a trip?

  Wally Hammond : No.

  David Sloane : Then why torture yourself.

• David Sloane : This girl that lights your cigar, you know, and keeps the meat loaf warm, do you want to tell me about her?

• David Sloane : The nights you don't go to see her, how does she go to fill those empty hours?

  Harry Hunter : Let's take last night.

  David Sloane : Oh, that's a good night.

  Harry Hunter : Last night, she stayed home, washed by bathrobe, and pickled a jar of tomatoes.

  David Sloane : She stayed home, last night, and pickled tomatoes for you.

  Harry Hunter : She knows I love them. She *lives* to please me. Now, are you beginning to get the picture?

  David Sloane : Harry, the pickling, you know, the story you used? That just about convinced me. Pickling, pickling for you.

  Harry Hunter : You still have reservations?

• Harry Hunter : Sloane, you're cynical.

  David Sloane : No, I'm overwhelmed. I don't think you can feed a disbeliever too much religion at one time.

• David Sloane : Don't involve me!

  Harry Hunter : Don't involve the assassin? You struck in the dark. You've destroyed the girl's character.

  David Sloane : All I destroyed was a boy's fantasy.

• Carol Corman : David, this has been a very special evening for me.

  David Sloane : Me too.

• David Sloane : She always loved the sun. Someday I'm going to have her moved to - a sunny part of the cemetery.

• Carol Corman : Whatever the problem, there's always a solution.

  David Sloane : Believe me, I'll try and think of one.

  Carol Corman : Oh, let's walk! That's what my mother and father used to do whenever they had a problem. They's walk and think and pretty soon the answer would come. It's only a matter of time.

• David Sloane : You quit your job?

  Carol Corman : Well, darling, my job now is to take care of you. Make you happy.

• Carol Corman : David, I pledge you my love.

  [kiss] 

  Carol Corman : Would you like a drink before dinner?

  David Sloane : Yes, a drink.

  [quickly, nervously makes a drink while Carol watches] 

  Carol Corman : Three ice cubes, Scotch till it covers the ice, a splash of soda, and a lemon peel. I want to remember that.

• David Sloane : Once upon a time, there was a carefree, debonair bachelor, who met a very beautiful girl.

  Eddie Rankin : Does this story have a happy ending or do they get married?

• David Sloane : You accepted that I can't marry. I can't ask you to accept this. Leave me, Carol. Leave me!

  Carol Corman : But, I love you!

  David Sloane : Night after night to lie there, holding hands, it's inhuman. I can't ask that of you. How soon before your love turns to pity and pity to hate.

  Carol Corman : David - we'll work it out.

• Carol Corman : Oh, darling, what you must be going through.

  [grabs David's head and presses it against her chest] 

  Carol Corman : I know how you're suffering.

  David Sloane : It's torture.

• David Sloane : It'll always be a barrier between us.

  Carol Corman : Any barrier can be scaled, if you have something to cling to. Reach out, David.

  [pleading] 

  Carol Corman : Hold me.

• Carol Corman : I respect you for cherishing a memory. But, you have done *nothing* to feel guilty about.

  David Sloane : Not yet.

• David Sloane : I'll tell her. I'll tell her! Of course, you got to tell her. But, why the rush? Tell her in the morning. Sloane, you're a swine. Tell her!

• David Sloane : The girl's intelligent, very much in love, eager, and the subject of marriage will never be mentioned. And, yet, the man is seriously considering giving it all up.

  Eddie Rankin : I can forgive an attack of conscience, but, never stupidity.

• Carol Corman : Father always said, "Never put off for tomorrow, what you can do tonight."

  David Sloane : I'll go along with Daddy on that.

• Carol Corman : Didn't you come back the second night ready to make love to a woman you had no interest in? You're vile! I don't know why I bothered to stay on as your mistress.

  David Sloane : You're not my mistress.

• David Sloane : What happened at the club? Huh?

  Carol Corman : To give for the man you love, there's no sacrifice.

  David Sloane : Sacrifice? What did you sacrifice?

  Carol Corman : David, all men are not like you.

  David Sloane : Webber - *and* Saunders?

  Carol Corman : Forgive them. All they said is, money doesn't grow on trees, it has to be - earned.

• David Sloane : Marriage? That's my freedom? The hangman's noose?

• David Sloane : There are some skills you can't organize. You're not electricians or plumbers!

  Thelma : Does a plumber get thrown out when he loses his figure?

  David Sloane : Well, next time I see a plumber in Schrafft's having tea in a mink coat, I'll ask him.

• Carol Corman : You never knew what a despicable person you really are.

  David Sloane : Not until I met you.

  Carol Corman : Then in a way, I've helped.