The Bed Sitting Room (1969)

Ralph Richardson: Lord Fortnum

Quotes 

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : [His top hat has a miniature radar on top]  I tell you, it's the latest early-warning hat. It gives you that extra 4 minutes in bed.

  The BBC : I never wore a hat in bed. I've been a Catholic person for a long time now, and I wouldn't know where to begin.

• Bules Martin : Well, you know, you've been a bit off-colour.

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Yes, I know, and what's more, I've not been eating anything.

  Bules Martin : Why is that?

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I can't get the stuff.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Are you a doctor, Doctor?

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I want it privately, on the NHS.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Well, things were going swimmingly until that, eh, well, until they dropped the ol', well, now, you know...

  Bules Martin : Oh, the ol' vroom!

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : That's the...

  Bules Martin : Did the noise keep you awake?

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Oh, I slept through it all right. Yes, in fact, I was in England, still abed, albeit in a club chair, the Third World War took place. I didn't get a chance to join the regiment.

• Bules Martin : I was standing by, ready to face the enemy, whoever they might be, and I couldn't find them. Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I haven't the least idea.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I thought, Doctor, I thought you'd might give me breakfast as a prescription against malnutrition.

  Bules Martin : Ah, yes, well, take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Doctor, look, since this thing dropped. This-this rude thing--this, um, eh...

  Bules Martin : Vroom.

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : That's the fellow. I-I-I had terrible, morbid fears. I think--I may turn into a bed-sitting room.

  Bules Martin : Eh, eh, that's probably atomic mutations. There's a lot of it about.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : You will do your duty, young man. I wish to speak to your superior. I expect to turn into a bed-sitting room very shortly.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Where can I stop?

  Inspector : You can't stop anywhere, sir, as you very well know. We don't want to stay in one place long enough for the enemy to have another chance at us, do we? Not until our preemptive strike is launched. Do we, sir? Do we, sir!

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Have we not struck back? Has England not? We should have struck back three years ago, if not before.

  Inspector : I expect we did, sir. These things take time.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Absolutely refuse to handle me, until I've turned into a bed-sitting room.

  Inspector : And you are not that?

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Not yet! Fully. Damn you, man. Do I--do I look like a bed-sitting room?

  Inspector : It's not for me to say, sir.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I don't want to turn into a bed-sitting room. I-I don't. You can't have a Lord turning into that sort of thing.

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : [as a bed-sitting room]  Put a card-put a card in the window. No coloreds. No children. And definitely no colored children!

• Mother : [as a cupboard]  Have you not yet finished with my poor bruised body?

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : [as a bed-sitting room]  You that black man's woman?

  Mother : That's hardly likely in my condition.

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : And what is your condition?

  Mother : I'm a cupboard. Will nobody close my drawers?

• Lord Fortnum of Alamein : [as a bed-sitting room]  Stop! Stop! Stop, in the name of the Lord.

  Mate : Here, it's God! It's God! He's come back on us. Good ol' God, mate.

  [singing] 

  Mate : For he's a jolly good fellow.

  [talking] 

  Mate : He's a--He's a socialist, you know.

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Quiet! Labour scum!

  Mate : What? He's--he's a frickin' Conservative!

  Bules Martin : Here, hold on a second. You don't sound like God. You sound like Lord Fortnum.

  Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I--eh--I also do impressions.