- Dr. Tony Burke: A most unfortunate accident, sir. May I suggest a double dose of ipecacuanha to counteract the chill?
- Captain George Spratt: I didn't send for you to doctor me, Burke, your quackeries are required elsewhere. I've just received an SOS from the Russian vessel Drobny, reporting an acute case of appendicitis. She'll be alongside in twenty minutes.
- Dr. Tony Burke: The patient is a lady, sir?
- Captain George Spratt: Not the patient, the ship you clot. I'm sending you to perform the operation.
- Dr. Tony Burke: Oh. Thank you, sir.
- Captain George Spratt: You'll collect your tools and report, with the Master-at-Arms, on the poop in fifteen minutes. I shall inform my brother that your devotion to duty led you to volunteer for this most dangerous mission.
- Dr. Tony Burke: There's nothing dangerous about performing an appendectomy, sir.
- Captain George Spratt: No, but transferring from ship to ship by breeches bouy, with the Russians in charge of the operations, can hardly prove to be uneventful.
- [laughs]
- Mrs. Dailey: Where's the Rolls?
- Llewellyn Wendover: What are you talking about, Mum?
- Mrs. Dailey: The conveyance.
- Llewellyn Wendover: Oh that. Oh the motorbike's in the shed.
- Mrs. Dailey: Motorbike?
- Llewellyn Wendover: And sidecar.
- Mrs. Dailey: Well surely you could have done a bit better than that, with your 22 divvies.
- Dawn Dailey: 26, Mummy.
- Mrs. Dailey: Mummy's talking, Dawn.
- Llewellyn Wendover: Well, there was 18 draws that week. I mean, the first divvy was only 22 pounds 6 shillings. I'm not a millionaire, you know.
- Dawn Dailey: You mean I married you for nothing?
- Llewellyn Wendover: Certainly not. You'll have everything a woman could wish for. You'll have a nice kitchen, gas stove, lovely enamel bath, fridge, washing machine, telly, dining room suite, airing cupboards, snooker table, a place to put the motor bike, a library and reception area.
- Mrs. Dailey: Oh, Sounds quite attractive. How many rooms are there?
- Llewellyn Wendover: Oh, there's only one room. But it's the best end of Willesden, and it's only 30 bob a week.
- Llewellyn Wendover: It's a lucky thing I've got any clothes at all - the washing machine in my state room has broken down.
- Captain George Spratt: There are no washing machines in the cabins on the ship.
- Llewellyn Wendover: What's the round door in the wall then?
- Captain George Spratt: I should've thought even the meanest intelligence would recognise that as a porthole.