Twelve Chairs (1971)

Archil Gomiashvili: Ostap Bender

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Quotes 

• Kisa Vorobyaninov : Well, I'm going now.

  Ostap Bender : You don't need to hurry anywhere. The secret police will come for you.

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : I don't know what you mean.

  Ostap Bender : You soon will.

• Ostap Bender : A passionate woman is a poet's dream.

• Ostap Bender : They have a very strange custom in Berlin. They eat so late that you can't tell whether it's an early supper or a late lunch.

• Ostap Bender : You owe me 2 roubles for the shave and haircut.

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : Why so expensive? It should only cost 40 kopeks.

  Ostap Bender : For reasons of security, Comrade Field Marshal!

• Dvornik Tikhon : Master! Back from Paris!

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : Hello, Tikhon. I certainly haven't come from Paris. Where did you get that strange idea from?

  Ostap Bender : This isn't Paris, but you're welcome to our abode.

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : I haven't come from Paris.

  Ostap Bender : Splendid, of course you haven't come from Paris. You've no doubt come from Kologriv to visit your deceased grandmother. My name's Bender. You may have heard of me.

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : No, I haven't.

  Ostap Bender : No, how could the name of Ostap-Suleiman-Bertha-Maria Bender Bey be known in Paris?

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : Bertha-Maria Bender... Sounds weird... I haven't come from Paris.

  Ostap Bender : Marvelous. You've come from Morshansk! Is it warm in Paris now?

• Ostap Bender : Are you a nobleman?

  Kislyarskiy : Yes. No.

  Ostap Bender : Yes or no?

  Kislyarskiy : I don't know. Whatever would please you.

• Kisa Vorobyaninov : Honestly, I'm a Soviet citizen. I can show you my passport. Here.

  Ostap Bender : With printing being so developed in the West, the forgery of a Soviet passport is nothing.

• Ostap Bender : You're a rather nasty man. You're too fond of money.

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : And I suppose you aren't?

  Ostap Bender : No, I'm not.

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : They why do you want 60 thousand?

  Ostap Bender : On principle.

• Ostap Bender : Citizens, I am not going to talk about the aim of our gathering... you all know it. Our aim is sacred. From every corner of our huge country, people are calling for help. Some of you have work and eat bread and butter. Some eat sandwiches with black caviar, and some even... with red caviar. Some of you even have privilege ration. It is only the young waifs who are not looked after. We must help them, gentlemen of the jury, and, gentlemen of the jury, we will do so. Let us remember that children are the flowers of life. I now invite you to make your contributions and help the children, the children alone and no one else. Do you understand me? Please make your contributions, in order of seniority.

• Ostap Bender : All contraband is made on Deribasovskaya Street in Odessa.

• Ostap Bender : You can leave.

  Kislyarskiy : I think I'd better leave.

  Ostap Bender : But I warn you, we have a long reach.

  Kislyarskiy : Then I'd better stay.

• Ostap Bender : I don't recommend living in Soviet Russia with the hair like yours.

• Ostap Bender : You're an absolute hero of labor! They ought to erect a monument to you.

• Kisa Vorobyaninov : When will you bring the chairs?

  Mechnikov - montyor : Money in advance. The money in the morning, the chairs in the afternoon. The money in the afternoon, the chairs in the evening. The money in the evening, the chairs in the nighttime. The money in the nighttime, the chairs in the morning.

  Ostap Bender : All right, all right. What about the chairs this morning, the money in the afternoon?

  Mechnikov - montyor : No problem. But the money should be paid in advance. The money in the morning, and in the evening...

• Ostap Bender : The chairs are crawling away like cockroaches. Four chairs are leaving. One chair stays somewhere in the city. Out of two hares we should choose the fattest one.

• Ostap Bender : Do you know that your club Four Knights, given a clever approach, can change the status of the town Vasyuki? That's why I suggest that you hold an international chess tournament here! Chess enthusiasts will come from all over the world. Hundreds of thousands of well-to-do people will head for Vasyuki. So the state will have to build a main line from Moscow to Vasyuki. They'll build hotels and skyscrapers to accommodate the visitors, a palace where the tournament will be held. An extra high-power radio station will be broadcasting the sensational results of the tournament. Airport Bigger Vasyuki from where planes and airships will fly to all parts of the world including Rio de Janeiro and Melbourne. Just imagine! Just think what will happen when the tournament is over and the visitors have left. Muscovites crowded together on account of the housing shortage will come flocking to your beautiful town. The capital will automatically be transferred to Vasyuki. Vasyuki will be renamed New Moscow, and Moscow will become Old Vasyuki. Chess thinking will become an applied science and will invent ways of inter-planetary communication. Communication with Venus will be as easy as going from Rybinsk to Yaroslavl. And the first interplanetary chess tournament will be held in Vasyuki. The first interplanetary tournament between the teams of Vasyuki and Great Bear will end with a confounding victory of Vasyukians! Hurrah, comrades!

• Ostap Bender : 500 can save the master-mind.

  Kislyarskiy : Won't 200 save the master-mind?

  Kisa Vorobyaninov : I consider that haggling is somewhat out of place here.

• Kisa Vorobyaninov : Oh, my God, what are you doing? My jacket! I've been wearing it for 15 years, and it's as good as new.

  Ostap Bender : Don't get excited, it soon won't be. Give me your hat.

• Ostap Bender : A chair isn't a needle in a haystack. We'll find it.

• Kisa Vorobyaninov : Never, never has Vorobyaninov held out his hand.

  Ostap Bender : Then you can stretch out your feet, you silly old ass!

• Ostap Bender : Watch out for your pince-nez, Pussy, the fun is about to begin.

• Kisa Vorobyaninov : What shall I sing?

  Ostap Bender : Anything but God Save the Tsar.

• Ostap Bender : You know, Vorobyaninov, that chair reminds me of our life. We're also floating with the tide. People push us under and we come up again, although they aren't too pleased about it. No one likes us, except for the criminal investigation department, which doesn't like us either.