The Twelve Chairs (1970)

Frank Langella: Ostap Bender

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ostap Bender : [after yet another failure]  Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!

• [Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman] 

  Young Woman : Do you love me?

  Ostap Bender : Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.

• Ostap Bender : Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?

  Tikon : Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.

  Ostap Bender : Ah, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?

  Tikon : One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!

  Ostap Bender : Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".

  Tikon : That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.

  Ostap Bender : Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.

  Tikon : I like that: two Russians, one ruble!

• Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Where are you going?

  Ostap Bender : Ah, the eternal question: "Quo Vadis"? Well, if you must know, I am vadissing off to gossip with the secret police.

• [last lines] 

  Ostap Bender : Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same disease that struck down our own beloved Dostoyevski. Give, give. From the bottom of your hearts.

• Ostap Bender : Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business.

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : I can't!

  Ostap Bender : I'm going.

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!

  Ostap Bender : Why?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Lets talk.

  Ostap Bender : About what?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Things...

  Ostap Bender : What things?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : I don't know, situations...

  Ostap Bender : I am going...

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!

  Ostap Bender : Why?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Lets talk.

  Ostap Bender : About what?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : It.

  Ostap Bender : What's 'it'?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You know...

  Ostap Bender : I know what?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : What we're talking about.

  Ostap Bender : We're talking about nothing, I'm going.

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You mustn't.

  Ostap Bender : I must.

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Why?

  Ostap Bender : The reward!

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : What reward?

  Ostap Bender : For turning you in.

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!

  Ostap Bender : Why?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [desperate]  We'll talk.

  Ostap Bender : [shouting]  About what?

  Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [shouting also]  About the diamonds! The diamonds! The diamonds...

• Ostap Bender : Now, Sevitsky, please don't disapoint me, because if you do I'm afraid I'll have to break your neck. A threat to the wise, hm?

• Ostap Bender : Now listen, old man. Pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford at this time in our lives. We need 30 rubles to make our dreams come true. It's sink or swim. I choose swim. Now, to beg or not to beg, that is the question. I will give you five... to decide yes or no. On the count of five it is farewell. One...

  Father Fyodor : Yes... yes, yes, yes...

• Father Fyodor : [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs]  I am Vorobyaninov's son.

  [Ostap stares at him] 

  Father Fyodor : His first-born. He was like a father to me.

  Ostap Bender : So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.

  Father Fyodor : Yes, I am.

  Ostap Bender : [quickly]  How old are you?

  Father Fyodor : 46... 44.

  Ostap Bender : Which is it?

  Father Fyodor : 42... 42.

  Ostap Bender : According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.

  [Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle] 

• Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart]  It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?

  Ostap Bender : In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.

  [They wait] 

  Father Fyodor : Oh Lord, you're so strict!

• Ostap Bender : Tell me... eh, what goes on in this great house?

  Tikon : Mostly dying.

• Ostap Bender : [lifting up his eye-patch to watch a pretty and well-stacked girl walk by]  Now *there's* a healthy girl!

• Ostap Bender : [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaninov has slapped him]  Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!

• Ostap Bender : [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch]  Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?

  Father Fyodor : Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.