Where's Poppa? (1970)

George Segal: Gordon Hocheiser

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gordon Hocheiser : She's not just another nurse, ma. It means a whole lot to me, ma. And I want you to know that if you mess this one up for me, I'm gonna punch your fuckin' heart out. Got it?

  Mrs. Hocheiser : Such a nice boy.

• Gordon Hocheiser : Please sit down. My name is Mr. Hocheiser.

  Second Job Applicant : Uh Oh! Not a chance. I'm not going back there.

  Gordon Hocheiser : Back where?

  Second Job Applicant : To that crazy mother of yours.

  Gordon Hocheiser : She's no trouble now.

  Second Job Applicant : Is she dead?

  Gordon Hocheiser : No

  Second Job Applicant : Then forget it.

• Louise Callan : In fact, I'm afraid I'm not very good. Most of my patients have died.

  Gordon Hocheiser : Well, that's okay. I don't mind.

  Louise Callan : You don't? You mean, you want me?

  Gordon Hocheiser : Oh, yes.

• Mrs. Hocheiser : What happened to that lady who touched up my roots so good. She used to pinch me.

  Gordon Hocheiser : It was you. You pinched her.

  Mrs. Hocheiser : Yeah, that's right. I liked to pinch her.

  Gordon Hocheiser : That's why she quit.

• Mrs. Hocheiser : Where's Poppa?

  Gordon Hocheiser : Still dead.

• Mrs. Hocheiser : This isn't my red dress?

  Gordon Hocheiser : It is so.

  Mrs. Hocheiser : It's so big on me.

  Gordon Hocheiser : All your clothes are too big for you. You're shrinking. You're getting smaller everyday.

• Sidney Hocheiser : Before I could do anything, they were tearing her clothes off.

  Gordon Hocheiser : Well, why didn't you run?

  Sidney Hocheiser : I couldn't! They were holding me! Then they pushed me on top of her and made me do it. And they all took off and left me there. And I was arrested.

  Gordon Hocheiser : Who arrested you?

  Sidney Hocheiser : That's the bad part. The woman I was raping - was a cop.

  Gordon Hocheiser : You raped a cop?

  Sidney Hocheiser : It was one of those guys who walks around the Park, in drag, lookin' for purse snatchers.

  Gordon Hocheiser : Couldn't you tell?

  Sidney Hocheiser : Not right away. It was dark! And I was terribly excited.

• Louise Callan : His name was Leonard Callan and I thought he was the most wonderful man in the world. He was a stockbroker. He was sensitive, sweet, and very kind. When we talked about sex, he was as shy as I was. We were both virgins.

  Gordon Hocheiser : You were?

  Louise Callan : And when he asked me to marry him, I accepted. We flew to London for our honeymoon. And Leonard was so sweet. We drank champagne and we talked and he didn't try to rush me at all. And then, when we were all relaxed, we got undressed, and he carried me to bed. I shouldn't be telling this to you...

  Gordon Hocheiser : Of course you should.

  Louise Callan : We made love. I'd never experienced anything like it before. It was wonderful. So happy. And then, I rolled over to kiss my wonderful Leonard, and that's when I saw it.

  Gordon Hocheiser : What... what did you see?

  Louise Callan : He made a caca in the bed.

  Gordon Hocheiser : [after a long pause]  What?

  Louise Callan : Well, I couldn't believe it either. I said to him, I said, "How could you do such a thing?" And do you know what he said? He said, "Doesn't everybody?"

• [Gordon tries to give his mother a fatal heart attack by dressing in a gorilla suit and jumping onto her bed as if he was going to attack her] 

  Mrs. Hocheiser : Aw Gordon, you almost scared me to death.

  Gordon Hocheiser : "Almost" doesn't count.

• Gordon Hocheiser : Sid, you have 10 minutes. If you're not here by then, I'm throwing her out the window.

• Louise Callan : Do you require references?

  Gordon Hocheiser : For what?

  Louise Callan : For the job. The ad didn't say. I can get references; but, I don't think they'll be very good.

• Mrs. Hocheiser : Oh, I want to wear my red dress today. Oh! Oh!

  Gordon Hocheiser : Why?

  Mrs. Hocheiser : Wow, this one is Poppa's favorite. Oh, yeah. You know, it shows off my figure.

• Gordon Hocheiser : I don't even know your name.

  Louise Callan : Louise.

  Gordon Hocheiser : [sings]  Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise...

• Louise Callan : This is the first nice thing that's happened to me since my marriage.

  Gordon Hocheiser : You're married?

  Louise Callan : Divorced.

  Gordon Hocheiser : How long were you married?

  Louise Callan : [whispers]  32 hours.

  Gordon Hocheiser : What?

  Louise Callan : 32 hours.

  Gordon Hocheiser : That's not very long.

  Louise Callan : Oh, it was an eternity!

• Policeman in Apartment : You say, when you left the apartment this morning, your mother was all right.

  Gordon Hocheiser : That's right, Officer. She was fine.

  Policeman in Apartment : She was gone when you got back?

  Gordon Hocheiser : That's right. Disappeared.

  Policeman in Apartment : People just don't disappear. What do you suppose happened to her?

  Gordon Hocheiser : I think the dog ate her.

  Policeman in Apartment : Don't give me any of that bullshit.

  Gordon Hocheiser : No, I'm serious. When I got home today, I found the dog in the kitchen, there was a red dress hanging out the corner of his mouth.

  Policeman in Apartment : And what does that prove?

  Gordon Hocheiser : My mother was wearing that dress when I left this morning.

  Policeman in Apartment : Is that the alleged dog?

  Gordon Hocheiser : Yep. It's just the way I found him.

  [camera pans to a dog sitting there with part of a red dress hanging out of his mouth] 

  Policeman in Apartment : How the hell can a dog eat an old lady?

  Gordon Hocheiser : You see, Officer, she'd been shrinking a lot lately, and she really wasn't much bigger than a rabbit. Just about one good bite for the dog.

  Policeman in Apartment : Okay. I'll have to take him downtown and book him.

  Gordon Hocheiser : Whatever you say, Officer.

  Policeman in Apartment : [the officer now addresses the dog]  You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer any questions. Do you understand?

  [he proceeds to put handcuffs on the dog]