- Doris Buckner: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police, and he said he'd send over his very best man.
- Roger Stanford: [looking Columbo over] Is that a fact?
- Lt. Columbo: Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second-best, but, uh... She claims there are eighty fellas tied for first.
- Lt. Columbo: You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find - sometimes - but sometimes it's right in front of ya and ya can't prove it.
- Lt. Columbo: You don't think that all of these people wanted to kill Mr. Buckner, do you?
- Roger Stanford: I did; but, a large corporation is like a jungle, Lieutenant, to coin a phrase.
- Roger Stanford: Lieutenant, I... I would not light that cigar now unless you... wish to witness an explosion right now.
- Roger Stanford: I can't tell you how many executives there are in our ivory tower... who would commit felonious assault just for the key to a private washroom.
- Lt. Columbo: Now, you see, my problem with chemistry, that started way back in high school. 'Cause in my junior year, I... I had to get a better grade. So I said the heck with this chemistry stuff, I'll take another year of woodshop. You know. You just build a bird house, and if you paint it red, you get an A.
- Roger Stanford: You mean, that old heap out there is yours?
- Lt. Columbo: Oh, yeah. It needs a coat of paint, doesn't it?
- Everett Logan: The possibility of murder? But that's ridiculous.
- Doris Buckner: What difference does it make? Dead is... is dead, isn't it?
- Roger Stanford: Miss Bishop, the lieutenant is from homicide and he is obviously under the impression that the accident was caused by a ... an exploding cigar.
- Lt. Columbo: Y'know, that's a wonderful darkroom. Imagine having something like that right next to your own office. Wonderful.