Jerry Stiller: Lt. Rico Patrone
Photos
Quotes
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Lt. Rico Patrone : What's up, Z?
Lt. Garber : You won't believe it.
Lt. Rico Patrone : You know me, I'll believe anything.
Lt. Garber : A train has been hijacked.
Lt. Rico Patrone : I don't believe it.
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Mrs. Jenkins : Grand Central Tower calling Command Center.
Lt. Garber : Yeah, this is Command Center.
Mrs. Jenkins : She's moving.
Lt. Garber : Who's moving?
Mrs. Jenkins : Pelham One Two Three.
Lt. Garber : What? Since when?
Mrs. Jenkins : Just started.
Lt. Garber : Hold on, I'll put you on tie-in.
Lt. Garber : Rico, she's moving.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Who's moving?
Lt. Garber : Who d'ya think? Pelham.
Lt. Rico Patrone : It's too soon, we're not set up yet.
Lt. Garber : Which is probably why they did it. You heard from Daniels yet?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Yeah, he's in a squad car on Park Avenue South.
Lt. Garber : Inspector Daniels, she's moving, sir.
Inspector Daniels : Who's moving?
Lt. Garber : What's the matter with everybody? How many hijacked trains we got around here, anyway?
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Lt. Garber : Did you get that list of motormen who were discharged for cause I asked you to get?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Yeah: 78 names.
Lt. Garber : 78?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Yeah, but it's not that bad. Eight are dead, 22 were rehired, 11 are in jail, 26 moved away, one's in a mental institution, and another's a member of the New York Police Department.
Lt. Garber : That's our man right there.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Sorry to disappoint you, Zachary, but he was accounted for.
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Lt. Garber : Rico, you want to make yourself useful? Get personnel and tell them to get together a list of all motormen discharged for cause during the past five to ten years.
Lt. Rico Patrone : What are you looking for?
Lt. Garber : Somebody down there knows how to drive a train. You don't pick that up watching Sesame Street. Tell them we want it today.
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Mr. Blue : [over the phone] What happed to Garber?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Even great men have to pee.
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Patrolman James : [reporting a shooting over the radio] They just shot him with a machine gun.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Is he dead?
Patrolman James : Wouldn't *you* be, Lieutenant?
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Lt. Rico Patrone : We had a bomb scare in the Bronx yesterday, but it turned out to be a cantaloupe.
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Lt. Rico Patrone : This is Lieutenant Patrone, operations... Where are you now?
Patrolman James : 28th Street southbound... Hey look, Lieutenant, everything cooled out, I mean nothing happening... Now what's going on?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Look, don't react to this, but a train's been hijacked!
Patrolman James : Holy shit!
Lt. Rico Patrone : For God's sake, don't say anything!
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Mr. Blue : Give the lieutenant my regards.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Do it yourself, at the arraignment.
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Lt. Rico Patrone : Wait a minute. I just figured out how they're going to get away.
Lt. Garber : I'm listening.
Lt. Rico Patrone : They're going to fly the train to Cuba.
Lt. Garber : You're a sick man, Rico.
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Lt. Garber : Rico, she's moving.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Who's moving?
Lt. Garber : Who do you think? Pelham!
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Lt. Garber : [Lt. Garber's taking the 4 executive from the Tokyo subway system on tour, and everywhere he takes them, nothin. He sees Lt. Rico Patron in his office, and decides to stop by. Rico is busily engaged - thumbing though the day's New York Daily News] Rico, I'd like you to meet some good friends of the chairman
Lt. Rico Patrone : [Rico glances upwards, momentarily] Hiya.
Lt. Garber : Very good friends, Rico.
Lt. Rico Patrone : [Rico glances upwards. Again] Hiya.
[Rico turns back to looking at his paper]
Lt. Garber : Rico, these are the directors of the Tokyo subway
[the 4 executives, all standing in front of Rico's desk, bow at him. Rico slightly smiles, and then again, looks at his newspaper. Garber looks exacerbated, and grimaces]
Lt. Garber : Why don't you tell these gentlemen about some of the exciting things that have happened in the New York City subway system, lately, Rico?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Well, we had a bomb scare in the Bronx, yesterday, But, it turned out to be a cantaloupe.
[Garber looks at the execs with a look of desperation. The Japanese executives look stone-faced. Rico looks at them, then looks up at Garber]
Lt. Rico Patrone : I'm busy, Zach, okay?
Lt. Garber : [Garber leads the men out of Rico's office, and onto the open office space] In the course of a normal work week, the average TA policemen deals with such crimes as robbery, assault, murder, drunkenness illness, vandalism, mishegas, abusiveness, sexual molestation, exhibitionism...
