Love and Death (1975)

Woody Allen: Boris

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Quotes 

• Countess Alexandrovna : You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

  Boris : Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

• Sonja : Oh don't, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.

  Boris : Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

• Napoleon : This is an honor for me.

  Boris : No, it's a greater honor for me.

  Napoleon : No, a greater honor for me.

  Boris : No, it's a greater honor for me.

  Napoleon : No, a greater honor for ME.

  Boris : Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it IS a greater honor for you.

  Napoleon : And you must be Don Francisco's sister.

  Sonja : No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

  Napoleon : No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

  Sonja : No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

  Boris : No, it's a greater honor for me.

  Napoleon : I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor.

  Boris : She's a great kidder.

  Sonja : No, you're a great kidder.

  Boris : No, you're Don Francisco's sister.

• [last lines] 

  Boris : The question is: have I learned anything about life? Only that... only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that the worst you can say about Him is that, basically, He's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. The key here, I think, is to... to not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, heh, you know, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye.

• Sonja : You were my one great love.

  Boris : Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

  Sonja : What's it like?

  Boris : What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant? It's worse.

• [Boris is standing, looking at Napoleon, who's lying unconcious on the floor] 

  Boris : If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder... the most foul of all crimes. What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Heh... I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all, you know... they become lawyers.

• Boris : If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

• Boris : Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...

  Sonja : What did you say?

  Boris : Oh, I was just planning my future.

• Mother : He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines.

  Boris : Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.

• Soldier : He was from my village. He was the village idiot.

  Boris : Yeah, what did you do, place?

• Sonja : Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.

  Boris : Ohh, I wish you weren't.

  Sonja : Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal.

  Boris : Poor Sonja.

  Sonja : For the past weeks, I've visited Seretski in his room

  Boris : Why? What's in his room? Oh...

  Sonja : And before Seretski, Aleksei, and before Aleksei, Alegorian, and before Alegorian, Asimov, and...

  Boris : Okay!

  Sonja : Wait, I'm still on the A's.

  Boris : How many lovers do you have?

  Sonja : In the mid-town area?

• Sonja : Alright, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses, well, well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?

  Boris : Well, murder is immoral.

  Sonja : Immorality is subjective.

  Boris : Yes but subjectivity is objective.

  Sonja : Not in any rational scheme of perception.

  Boris : Perception is irrational, it implies immanence.

  Sonja : But judgement of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.

  Boris : Yeah, I've said that many times.

• Sonja : There are many different kinds of love, Boris. There's love between a man and a woman; between a mother and son...

  Boris : Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.

• Drill Sergeant : One, two. One, two. One, two.

  Boris : Three is next, if you're having any trouble.

• Boris : Sonja, are you scared of dying?

  Sonja : Scared is the wrong word. I'm frightened of it.

  Boris : That's an interesting distinction.

• Boris : Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.

  Sonja : Of course there's a God! We're made in His image!

  Boris : You think I was made in God's image? Take a look at me. You think He wears glasses?

  Sonja : Not with those frames.

• Boris : Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.

• Boris : In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.

• Sonja : Violence is justified in the service of mankind.

  Boris : Who said that?

  Sonja : Attila the Hun.

  Boris : You're quoting a Hun to me?

• [Boris and his father speak in Dostoevsky references] 

  Father : Remember that nice boy next door, Raskolnikov?

  Boris : Yeah.

  Father : He killed two ladies.

  Boris : What a nasty story.

  Father : Bobak told it to me. He heard it from one of the Karamazov brothers.

  Boris : He must have been possessed.

  Father : Well, he was a raw youth.

  Boris : Raw youth, he was an idiot!

  Father : He acted assaulted and injured.

  Boris : I heard he was a gambler.

  Father : You know, he could be your double!

  Boris : Really, how novel.

• Drill Sergeant : From now on you'll clean the mess hall and the latrine!

  Boris : Yes, sir! How will I tell the difference?

• Inbedkov : [preparing for duel]  We'll do it now... and to the death.

  Boris : Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it.

• Boris : I have no fear of the gallows.

  Father : No?

  Boris : No. Why should I? They're going to shoot me.

• Sonja : Boris, you can't be serious, you're talking about Mother Russia.

  Boris : She's not my mother. My mother's standing right here, and she's not gonna let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums.

• Soldier : The idea is not to panic and run... then they shoot you in the back.

  Soldier : I don't want to be trampled by a horse. What about you, Boris?

  Boris : [sarcastically]  Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse. I don't even want to fight.

• Sonja : Boris, you're a coward!

  Boris : Yes, but I'm a militant coward.

• Boris : I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

• Sonja : And I want three children.

  Boris : Yes. Yes. One of each.

• Boris : Wheat... lots of wheat... fields of wheat... a tremendous amount of wheat...

• Boris : Hey, what is this, Slap Boris Day?

• Boris : Granted, I have a few eccentricities. I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F. Like chicken, for instance.

• Sonja : I truly think this is the best of all possible worlds.

  Boris : It's certainly the most expensive.

• Countess Alexandrovna : You're disgusting, but I love you.

  Boris : Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.

• Boris : [composing poetry]  "I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas... " Too sentimental!

  [crumples up paper and throws it in the fire] 

• Boris : [about their plan to murder Napoleon]  ... I know, but murder, the most foul of all crimes. And not just abstract murder like shooting an unknown enemy on the battlefield, but standing in a closed room with a live human being and pulling the trigger, face to face. And a famous human being, a successful one, one who earns more than I do... My God, you figure Napoleon has gotta be good for 10,000 francs a week... That's minimum. That's without tips or extras. Nothing like that. And me, what am I? He's a great man. He thinks like the superman, and I'm just a worm, an insect... some kind of crawling, disgusting, creeping little vermin! You know, you can stop me!

  Sonja : I will when I disagree.

• [first lines] 

  Boris : How I got into this predicament I'll never know. Absolutely incredible. To be executed for a crime I never committed. Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat? Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.

• Boris : There's been a mistake! I know, I made it!

• Boris : If, by some mistake, I'm not killed tomorrow, would you marry me?

  Sonja : What do you think the odds are?

• Countess Alexandrovna : Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood?

  Boris : I've been in the mood since the late 1700's.

• Anton : Grushenko? Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?

  Boris : I'm not so young. I'm thirty-five.

• Boris : I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.

• Anton Inbedkov : Shall we say pistols at dawn?

  Boris Grushenko : Well, we can say it. I don't know what it means, but we can say it.

• Sonja : He kissed me.

  Boris : Any place I should know about?

  Sonja : He warmed the cockles of my heart.

  Boris : That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.

• Boris : I can't shower with other men.

• Boris : We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.

• Sonja : What are you suggesting, passive resistance?

  Boris : No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.

• Sergeant : If they kill more Russians, they win. If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.

  Boris Grushenko : What do we win?

• Second : [to both Boris and Count Inbedkov]  Starting back to back, on my signal you will walk ten paces, turn and fire. Is that clear?

  Inbedkov : Of course.

  Boris : Of course.

  Second : Good luck. And God be with you both.

  Boris : [to God]  You listening?

• Boris : You're a tyrant, and a dictator, and you start wars!

  Napoleon : Why is he reciting my credits?

• Vladimir Maximovitch : Why, thank you.

  Boris : Vladimir Maximovich, you're alive!

  Vladimir Maximovitch : No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.

  Boris : Does it hurt?

  Vladimir Maximovitch : I feel nothing.

  Boris : You don't look so bad for a guy who is dead. Actually, better when you were alive.

• Boris : Where did you go to finishing school, on a pirate ship?

• Soldier : Oh, God is testing us.

  Boris : If He's gonna test us, why doesn't He give us a written?

• Anton : If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again.

  Boris : If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.

  Anton : *I* am a man.

  Boris : Well, I mean a much shorter man.

• Boris : [Critiquing the Hygiene Play]  I was never interested, though the soldier delivered his lines with gusto, and the woman had a delightful cameo rôle. A droll satire of contemporary mores. A puckish spoof aimed more at the heart than the head!

• Boris : And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.

• Countess Alexandrovna : My bedroom at midnight?

  Boris : Perfect. Will you be there too?

  Countess Alexandrovna : Naturally.

  Boris : Until midnight then.

  Countess Alexandrovna : [presses his hand to her bosom]  Midnight.

  Boris : Make it a quarter to twelve.

  Countess Alexandrovna : Midnight.

  Boris : But of course.

• Mikhail : Our brother has a yellow streak down his back.

  Boris : No, it's not down, it runs across.

• Sonja : That is so jejune!

  Boris : Jejune? You have the temerity to accuse me of quoting to you out of jejunosity? I'm the most june person there is!

• Boris : That night, as I was burying bodies, I had another mystical experience. Mercifully, God was on our side. It could have gone a lot worse if he wasn't. It might have rained.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : Grushenko!

  Boris : Vladimir Maximovitch. You're alive.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.

  Boris : Oh, does it hurt?

  Vladimir Maximovitch : I feel nothing.

  Boris : You don't look so bad for a guy who's dead. I think it agrees with you.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : Listen, do me a favor.

  Boris : Anything.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : This engagement ring, I was gonna give it to my girlfriend. A surprise.

  Boris : You want me to give it to her?

  Vladimir Maximovitch : No, what's the point? Take it back to the jeweler's in Smolensk. Vladimir Petroshnik. Tell him I'm dead and get a refund.

  Boris : OK. What did you give him for this?

  Vladimir Maximovitch : 100 rubles.

  Boris : For this you gave him 100 rubles?

  Vladimir Maximovitch : This is a diamond with two baguettes...

  Boris : This is insane! I could have gotten you this ring for 50 rubles.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : Never that ring. Never.

  Boris : The exact same ring.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : Anyway. Listen, take the deposit. Go to Kiev.

  Boris : Right.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : Give it to a woman, Natasha Petrovna.

  Boris : Right. OK.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : Get a receipt. Make sure you get a receipt.

  Boris : Why do you need that? You're dead.

  Vladimir Maximovitch : Tax purposes.

  Boris : Oh! Good thinking.

• Gen. Lecoq : Now men, because you are all getting a three-day furlough before going into battle, we would like to show you this little hygiene play.

  [the actors step forward and the play begins] 

  Woman hygiene class : Goodbye. I hope you had a good time.

  Soldier : I did. I had a good time. Oh, what's this sore on my lip? I better see the doctor.

  [He steps to his right and another actor stands up] 

  Soldier : Doc, I have this sore on my lip.

  Doctor : You have a social disease my friend.

  Soldier : Oh my God!

  Doctor : If you do not treat it, you will go blind... Or insane!

  [Applause] 

  Gen. Lecoq : Well men, that is the end of the play. Have a good time on your furlough and take care of yourselves.

  Soldier : Well, what did you think of the play?

  Boris : Oh, it was weak. I was never interested. Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto and verve and the girl had a delightful cameo role. A puckish satire of contemporary mores. A droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head.

  Soldier : As for me I'm planning to spend the next three days in a brothel. Care to come with me?

  Boris : No, I went to a brothel once in my life. I got hiccups you know, it was over like that.

• Boris : Of course there was Old Gregor and his son Young Gregor. Oddly enough, Young Gregor's son was older than Old Gregor. Nobody could figure out how that happened. And everytime I asked they'd slap me.

• Drill Sergeant : You want a dishonorable discharge?

  Boris : Yes sir, either that or a furlough.

• Boris : [sleeve bloodied after being grazed by bullet]  Does this come out, from dry cleaning, or is it like gravy?

• Boris : And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.

• [Boris must fight a duel in the morning] 

  Sonja : Uh... this Anton Inbedkov, he is a good shot isn't he?

  Boris : I'm afraid so.

  Sonja : Well, since this may be your last night on Earth, let's go back to my room and make love.

  Boris : Oh... nice idea! I'll bring the soy sauce.

• [Boris is bothered by thoughts of suicide] 

  Boris : Something's missing.

  Doctor : What?

  Boris : I don't know, I feel a void at the center of my being.

  Doctor : What kind of void?

  Boris : Well... an empty void.

  Doctor : An empty void?

  Boris : Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago but it was just something I ate.

• Sonja : Hey, this is good champagne, Boris.

  Boris : Oh yeah? Have you had enough, or are you gonna drink another case?

• Anton Inbedkov : Boris you have spared me! I am filled with inspiration! I will take up, as I did in my youth, the art of singing! Fa la la la!

  Boris : Great voice, eh? I should have shot him.

• Sonja : Boris?

  Boris : Yes?

  Sonja : I have a confession to make.

  Boris : Yes?

  Sonja : Ever since you and I were little children... I've been in love with your brother Ivan.

  Boris : Well, it's only nat--Ivan? You're kidding! He can barely write his name in the ground with a stick!

  Sonja : He has true animal magnetism.

  Boris : Animal magnetism! All that talk about some perfect love and you're hot for Ivan?

  Sonja : He kissed me!

  Boris : Any place I should know?

  Sonja : It warmed the cockles of my heart.

  Boris : That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.

  Sonja : I think he's going to ask me to marry him.

  Boris : But he's a gambler and drinker, he's got a Neanderthal mentality! Don't get me wrong, I love him like a brother. Just not one of mine.