The Ritz (1976)
Jack Weston: Gaetano Proclo
Photos
Quotes
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Gaetano Proclo : We used to have a guy like that back in the army. We called him "Get-Away-From-Me-Claude".
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Gaetano Proclo : Listen, there's something I have to tell you...
Chris : You're not gay?
Gaetano Proclo : [relieved] No!
Chris : What, are you a social worker or something?
Gaetano Proclo : No, but I didn't know that everyone in here was...
Chris : GAY! See? It's not a bad word. You might try using it sometime.
Gaetano Proclo : You mean to tell me that everyone in here is gay?
Chris : God, I hope so. Otherwise I just paid ten dollars to walk around in a towel in front of a bunch of Shriners.
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Gaetano Proclo : You're a good man, Abe. I'm gonna have a novena said for you when I get back to Cleveland. What's your last name? Abe what?
Abe Lefkowitz : Lefkowitz.
Gaetano Proclo : I'll still have a novena said for you when I get back.
[Gaetano leaves]
Chris : You know, I had a novena said for me once. I asked to wake up gorgeous.
Abe Lefkowitz : So, what happened?
Chris : Well, look at me!
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Gaetano Proclo : You were in "The Sound of Music"?
Googie Gomez : Oh chure.
Gaetano Proclo : Where was this?
Googie Gomez : Broadway, the mainest thing, where else?
Gaetano Proclo : The original cast?
Googie Gomez : Ha, I was more original than anyone else in it. They fired me on the first day of rehearsal, those bastards. They said I wasn't right for the part.
Gaetano Proclo : What part was that?
Googie Gomez : Oh, one of the f***ing Trapp kids.
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Gaetano Proclo : My, what unusual pants. They look like cowboy chaps.
Patron In Chaps : [fixing Gaetano with an intense stare and spoken in a rich, deep voice] They are cowboy chaps.
Gaetano Proclo : [nervously] That's what I was thinking. They look like cowboy chaps.
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Patron With Cigar : Crisco.
Gaetano Proclo : What?
Patron With Cigar : Crisco Oil Party. Room 419. Pass it on.
Gaetano Proclo : Pass what on?
Patron With Cigar : Bring Joey.
Gaetano Proclo : Who's Joey?
Patron With Cigar : You know Joey. Don't bring Chuck. You've got that?
Gaetano Proclo : Crisco Oil Party. Room 419. I can bring Joey but not Chuck.
Patron With Cigar : Check.
Gaetano Proclo : What's the matter with Chuck?
[answer is whispered in his ear]
Gaetano Proclo : [absolutely horrified] Chuck is definitely out!
Patron With Cigar : [walking away] Hey, you won't be disappointed.
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Gaetano Proclo : [disappointed] You're not Joe Namath!
Chris : Well, neither are you.
Gaetano Proclo : I thought you were Joe Namath.
Chris : It's the lighting.
Gaetano Proclo : I was praying you were Joe Namath.
Chris : I don't blame ya!
Gaetano Proclo : I mean, you just had to be him.
Chris : Are you eating your heart out, honey?
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Claude Perkins : [trying to seduce Gaetano] You'll never guess what I had for dinner tonight, so I'm just going to tell you.
Gaetano Proclo : I beg your pardon?
Claude Perkins : A nice ground-pork meatloaf with mozzarella, mashed potatoes covered with gobs of gravy, carrots floating in butter, and chunks of avocado with roquefort dressing. Couldn't you just die?
Gaetano Proclo : [confused] I don't know what I could just.
Claude Perkins : And then for dessert, German chocolate cake with two scoops of mocha walnut ice cream.
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Googie Gomez : Think of a tropical night. Think of a beetch.
Gaetano Proclo : What bitch?
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Gaetano Proclo : You got a nightclub in there?
Abe Lefkowitz : We got a nightclub, movies, swimming pool, steam room, massage table, discothèque, bridge, amateur night - and free blood tests every Wednesday.
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Chris : As strange as it may seem, no one is going to attack you.
Gaetano Proclo : Someone already has!
Chris : Eh, beginner's luck.
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Gaetano Proclo : I don't know what I'm doing!
Chris : Join the club! It's like some strange heterosexual Gypsy curse was put on this place.
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Abe Lefkowitz : You ever been in a place like this?
Gaetano Proclo : Oh, sure! We got a Jack LaLanne's in Cleveland.
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Duff : Are you 210?
Gaetano Proclo : Yeah, something like that.
Duff : No, I meant your room.
Gaetano Proclo : Oh, so did I.
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Gaetano Proclo : This place is like a Chinese maze.
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Gaetano Proclo : I thought that guy was taking me to my room. You don't think I went in because I wanted to?
Duff : You trying to tell us he's a chubby chaser?
Gaetano Proclo : A chubby what?
Tiger : You know. It's somebody who likes...
Gaetano Proclo : You mean, like me?
Duff : You're right up his alley.
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Gaetano Proclo : Not so fast. What about slippers?
Duff : Slippers?
Gaetano Proclo : Slippers!
Duff : Well, where do you think you are, New York Athletic Club? Slippers?
Gaetano Proclo : Well, you could catch athlete's foot in a place like this.
Tiger : You're lucky if that's all you catch.
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Gaetano Proclo : I *knew* there was something funny about that Gomez woman. She's *not* a woman.
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Googie Gomez : You are too guapo to be a producer.
Gaetano Proclo : Guapo?
Googie Gomez : Handsome.
Gaetano Proclo : Who, me?
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Googie Gomez : Don't fight it, Chico.
Gaetano Proclo : Believe me, you won't be happy. I won't be happy. You're making a big mistake.
Googie Gomez : Oh! I am suddenly all woman.
Gaetano Proclo : No, you're not. You're someone with a lot of problems.
Googie Gomez : Aye! Make me feel like a real woman, Chico.
Gaetano Proclo : Now, that's not my department. That's out of my hands!
Googie Gomez : Kiss me!
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Googie Gomez : Come on, my Mr. Big Producer. You're going to love my show. I got you the best seat. I seat you ringside. We save the hanky-pank for later, huh?
Gaetano Proclo : Hanky-pank, what?
Googie Gomez : Googie is going to straighten you out between shows!
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Gaetano Proclo : Tiger and Duff told Googie I was Carmine Vespucci. Claude thinks I'm Carmine Vespucci. Everybody thinks I'm Carmine Vespucci.
Chris : Well, who are you?
Gaetano Proclo : Carmine Vespucci.
Michael Brick : Are you Mr. Carmine Vespucci, sir?
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Gaetano Proclo : This is not gonna work, Mr. Googie!
Googie Gomez : Mr. Googie?
Gaetano Proclo : There's just no way.
Googie Gomez : Mr. Googie? You thought I was a drag queen? No such luck, Chico.
Gaetano Proclo : You mean to tell me that you're really a Miss?
Googie Gomez : This is all real.
[puts Gaetano's hands on her breasts]
Gaetano Proclo : Yeah, they feel real.
Googie Gomez : I just hope I'm going to find me some huevitos.
Gaetano Proclo : What are huevitos?
Googie Gomez : These.
[Grabs Gaetano's crotch]
Gaetano Proclo : Oh!
Googie Gomez : Aye! Oh, Chico!
Gaetano Proclo : Oh! They're real too! They're real! They're real! They're real!
Googie Gomez : I know we're going to make such whoopee together, Chico.
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Gaetano Proclo : I can explain everything.
Googie Gomez : I don't need no explain. You would rather make: hee, hee, hee, poo, poo, poo, ha, ha, ha - with that maricón you got hiding under the bed.
Chris : [from under the bed] Two maricóns, Googie.
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Gaetano Proclo : Fat man in 201! Come and get it! He's all yours! Fat man in 201! Come and get it! He's all yours! Fat man in 201! Fat man in 201!
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Vivian Proclo : I just hope you're not gonna insist on mentioning this in confession. For my sake, for the children, please, don't tell about this.
Gaetano Proclo : I wasn't planning to.
Vivian Proclo : It's just a phase you're going through. Last year, it was miniature golf.
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Gaetano Proclo : It's people like you that really belong in garbage. It's people like me that just marry into it.