The Nude Bomb (1980)

Don Adams: Maxwell Smart

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maxwell Smart : You know, Chief, this nude bomb might solve a lot of problems.

  Chief : Such as?

  Maxwell Smart : Well for one thing, flashers.

  Chief : Only you would think of a that, Max.

  Maxwell Smart : That's why they pay me the big bucks. And there'd be no more trouble with concealed weapons. I mean if everyone was nude, there'd be no place to hide a gun or a knife. Well, there is a place, but it could be painful.

• Maxwell Smart : I advise you to drop your guns an put up your hands.

  KAOS #1 : Why?

  Maxwell Smart : Because at this very minute, my friend, this chalet is being completely surrounded by 500 alpine crack troops.

  KAOS #1 : I find that hard to believe.

  Maxwell Smart : Would you believe 150 Tirolian ski-troops?

  KAOS #2 : No we wouldn't.

  Maxwell Smart : How about 2 Saint Bernards in heat?

• Maxwell Smart : Sorry about that... Normie.

• Maxwell Smart : And if there's one thing I've learned, in many many years of experience, it's that you cannot be too careful with your gun.

  [puts his gun away in his pants, accidentally pulls the trigger] 

  Maxwell Smart : Excuse me.

  [turns around examines himself, turns back] 

  Chief : Are you al right?

  Maxwell Smart : Missed it by that much.

• Maxwell Smart : [Max and agent 34 crash into a roadblock with a sign showing skull and crossbones and a German warning]  Just our luck, we gotta run into a poisonous Achtung.

  Agent 34 : That means attention. There has been an avalanche.

• Maxwell Smart : Why, I once knew an agent who went into the Pentagon building in Washington, and was lost for three days!

  Agent 22 : Three days? I can't believe anyone could get that confused.

  Maxwell Smart : Well, let me see. I went in on a Tuesday...

• Maxwell Smart : [introducing Agent 22 to Agent 36]  36 - 22 - 36

• Sauvage : Your bogus ingenuousness is straining my equanimity.

  Maxwell Smart : Could you put that another way?

  Sauvage : You're pissing me off.

• Chief : We're really up against it, this time, 86. The fate of the entire world is in your hands.

  Maxwell Smart : Oh no, not again. Well, ok this time, but next week I'm on vacation, Chief. If you get in trouble then, it's your ass.

• Agent 36 : You're a legend, 86. When I was studying well the Spy Academy I reviewed every one of your cases.

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, well, wouldn't you like to hear my side of the story?

  Agent 36 : I think you're wonderful.

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, you have heard my side of the story.

• President : [on hotline in limo]  Now you realize, Mr. Smart, that once KAOS learns your mission, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be in imminent danger, constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.

  Maxwell Smart : [on other line in Control Cab]  And... loving it.

• Maxwell Smart : 22 was married to the late, great 78? Wasn't he a little old for her?

  Agent 13 : [hiding in Popular Spy magazine]  Well, let's see. 22 was 21 when she married 78 in '72. 78 was 46, that means 78 was 22, 32, 42, 25 years older than 22. 22 joined P.I.T.S when 78 died in 75.

  Maxwell Smart : Tell me, 13, how was 78 killed?

  Agent 13 : Investigating the numbers racket.

• Maxwell Smart : I'm a secret agent. And I am here on a very important mission, Edith. May I call you Edith?

  Edith Von Secondberg : I'd like that. Particularly since that's my name. You'll find I answer a lot faster to it than I would if you called me Marion.

  Maxwell Smart : I'm going to level with you, Marion... May I call you Marion?

• Maxwell Smart : [having dropped the Chief off a bridge]  Sorry about that, Chief.

• Chief : Where's Sauvage?

  Maxwell Smart : He got hung up.

• Maxwell Smart : [looking at a large door that works like a zipper]  That's the second biggest zipper I've ever seen!

• Maxwell Smart : Of course, the old bullet in the barrel trick.

• Maxwell Smart : A stapler telephone? That's fantastic, Carruthers. Can it also be used as a stapler?

  Carruthers : No.

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, well, you'd better work on that.

• Maxwell Smart : That girl worries me a lot, Chief. Whatever happened to the regulations regarding female agents? They're supposed to be unmarried, without dependence and willing to fool around a lot.

• Maxwell Smart : Of course, the old big black truck trick.

• Agent 22 : I've never seen that maneuver before: falling over backwards and coming up shooting. When did you first think of that?

  Maxwell Smart : The second my foot hit this banana peel.

• Maxwell Smart : Of course! The old dashboard in the draw trick.

• Maxwell Smart : Look, 22, when I'm on a case, I don't fool around. I mean, before a case? Maybe. After a case? Definitely. During a case? Never.

• Maxwell Smart : [holding 36's bra in his lef hand]  22, I can explain this bra in 5 seconds.

  Maxwell Smart : [accidentally revealing 36's panties in his other hand]  Eh, these panties are gonna take a little longer.

• Agent 22 : [referring to Jonathan Levinson Seigle]  We have to ask him some questions.

  Doctor : He can't talk.

  Maxwell Smart : Can he type?

• Landlady : [Max is holding up his identification]  That doesn't look anything like you.

  Maxwell Smart : It's my thumb print.

• Edith Von Secondberg : [to Max]  You're quite witty.

  Maxwell Smart : And charming.

• Edith Von Secondberg : There's something I think you should know, Maxwell.

  Maxwell Smart : And what is that?

  Edith Von Secondberg : Your ski's are on fire.

• Maxwell Smart : [referring to Jonathan Levinson Seigle]  He's too weak to talk, he's humming the information to us!

• Maxwell Smart : Carruthers, radio our position to P.I.T.S. central. Tell them to send in the task force and to have them get here faster than possible.

  [Carruthers leaves] 

  Maxwell Smart : Al right, 22, we got to invade that zipper before the mountain's fly closes.

• Maxwell Smart : What is it now, Chief?

  Chief : Max, I wanna know what's happening.

  Maxwell Smart : Ahh! I'm falling at a speed of 120 miles an hour... from a height of approximately 8,000 feet. I'm gonna open my parachute. Should be on the ground in two minutes.

  [parachute flies away] 

  Maxwell Smart : Would you believe two seconds?

• Larrabee : Max, I've been thinking about it. And if they decide to drop the nude bomb, I know the answer.

  Larrabee : [Max does not reply]  Well?

  Maxwell Smart : Well what?

  Larrabee : Don't you wanna know the answer?

  Maxwell Smart : No.

  Larrabee : Food.

  Maxwell Smart : Food?

  Larrabee : Sure, the whole world will start wearing food.

• Larrabee : How was the U.N., Max?

  Maxwell Smart : Very cooperative, Larrabee. It's a fine organization.

  Larrabee : Max, I've been thinking about it. And if they decide to drop the "Nude Bomb," I know the answer...

  Larrabee : [Long pause, as Larrabee awaits Max's response]  Well?

  Maxwell Smart : Well what?

  Larrabee : Don't you want to know the answer?

  Maxwell Smart : No!

  Larrabee : Food.

  Maxwell Smart : [incredulous]  Food?

  Larrabee : Sure. The whole world will start wearing food.

  Maxwell Smart : Larrabee, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. The whole world will start wearing food? I have heard you say some dumb things, Larrabee, but that has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth! "People wearing food." Forget it, Larrabee. Just forget it!... Jesus!

  Maxwell Smart : [long pause, then Max looks at Larrabee with curiosity]  What kind of food?

  Larrabee : Fruits, vegetables, fish, but not too much red meat. You wear red meat a couple of times a week, that's plenty.

  Maxwell Smart : But this is crazy!

  Larrabee : Why? We're just going back to the Bible. Now, what did Adam and Eve wear to cover up the good parts? Fig leaves! Now, that's fruit! Now, you take a head of romaine lettuce. That will clothe a family of six. You buy a flank steak, you throw it over your shoulder... and you got a stole! Cantaloupe. You cut it in half, scoop out the inside - and you got a bra.

  Maxwell Smart : What holds up the bra?

  Larrabee : Linguini.

  Maxwell Smart : Linguini? Larrabee, that's insane. Do you realize the whole world is facing a food shortage as it is?

  Larrabee : Max, this will work. People for the first time will know where their next meal is coming from. They'll be wearing it. You'll wear it two or three times, then you eat it.

  Maxwell Smart : Won't it spoil?

  Larrabee : Not if you're neat.

  Maxwell Smart : What has neatness got to do with it?

  Larrabee : Well, you can't take your clothes off and throw them over a chair anymore. You got to learn to fold them neatly and put them in the refrigerator.

• Maxwell Smart : This is the latest in counter-attack furniture. The D-1 Turbocharger Desk Mobile. This desk can go from 0 to 60 in five seconds, and can cruise at 80 miles an hour. It was built at a cost of $12 million. Get on.

  [Max sits down at the desk] 

  Maxwell Smart : See that key in the drawer? Turn it.

  Maxwell Smart : Of course! The ol' dashboard-in-the-drawer trick!

  Carruthers : To activate the armament, you press the knob marked "air conditioning."

  Maxwell Smart : How do you turn on the air conditioning?

  Carruthers : There is no air conditioning.

  Maxwell Smart : There is no air conditioning? Are you kidding? $12 million for this thing, and no air conditioning? You better work on that, Carruthers. How much mileage do you get on this thing?

  Carruthers : 35 on the highway, 12 in the living room.

  Maxwell Smart : Well, that's not bad for an American make.

  Carruthers : That's because it doesn't run on gasoline. It runs on ink.

  Carruthers : This thing runs on ink? That's fantastic, Carruthers! Why, do you realize that could be the answer to the fuel shortage?

  Maxwell Smart : I'm afraid not. Special kind of ink. Comes from Saudi Arabia.