The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

Frank Oz: Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Sam the Eagle, Gramps, Swedish Chef

Photos 

Quotes 

• Fozzie : [pleading]  We'll do better next time.

  News Editor : Next time? Next time!

  [pounds fist into desk] 

  News Editor : What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?

  Kermit : Well, if there isn't it's gonna be a real short movie.

• Sam the Eagle : You are all WEIRDOS.

• Miss Piggy : [to Nicky]  You! It was you! Kermit was right! You're a phony. You're a phony! Yes, you are! And you know what, you can't even sing! Your voice was dubbed!

• Miss Piggy : [Lady Holiday has just given Miss Piggy the entire backstory for the movie]  Why are you telling me all this?

  Lady Holiday : It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.

• [Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits] 

  Fozzie : Nobody reads those names anyway, do they?

  Kermit : Sure. They all have families.

• [First lines] 

  Kermit : [In a hot air balloon]  Pretty nice up here, isn't it?

  Fozzie : Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?

  Gonzo : That'd be neat.

  Kermit : Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.

  Fozzie : Oh. Where are they?

  [Title card appears] 

  Fozzie : Wow!

  Kermit : The Great Muppet Caper.

  Fozzie : Nice title.

• Pops : Hey, how're you guys fixin' to pay?

  Kermit : What are our choices?

  Pops : A: Credit card; B: Cash; C: Sneak out in the middle of the night.

  Fozzie : We'll take C.

  Pops : Very popular choice.

• Nicky Holiday : Miss Piggy... You're a very different looking woman. I'm so tired of the same type, those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin...

  Miss Piggy : Yeah, well, I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach.

• Kermit : We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.

  British Gentleman : How cheap?

  Fozzie : Free.

  British Gentleman : Well, that narrows the field a bit.

  [reading from his guide] 

  British Gentleman : Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...

  Kermit : Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.

  Gonzo : What's wrong with bus terminals?

• Fozzie : [drinking champagne]  You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale.

• Fozzie : What does "BSC" stand for?

  Kermit : I don't know.

• Prison Guard : Miss Piggy.

  Miss Piggy : What?

  Prison Guard : Your lawyer is here to see you.

  Miss Piggy : Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer.

  Prison Guard : Och, sure you do. Little green guy.

  Miss Piggy : [short intake of breath]  Kermie. Oh. No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school.

• Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : I suggest we jump.

  Fozzie : Are you crazy? That's at least a hundred feet!

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : I didn't say it was a *good* suggestion.

  Beauregard : Maybe we could jump part-way.

• Fozzie : [about run-down hotel]  If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.

• Miss Piggy : [about Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem's playing]  They don't have to play this loud.

  Kermit : That's okay, they don't mind.

• Air Steward : OK, guys, everybody out for the USA!

  Fozzie : Oh, boy! Hey, How close are we?

  Air Steward : Oh, about 30,000 feet.

  Kermit : You mean...

  Air Steward : Yep...

  [opens cargo door in mid-flight] 

  Air Steward : Happy landing!

  [starts tossing the Muppets out of the plane] 

• Lady Holiday : Carla, the neckline on that gown is too high, don't you think?

  Carla : I rather like the effect.

  Lady Holiday : You like looking like an ostrich?

  Carla : [miffed]  Of course not, Lady Holiday.

  Lady Holiday : And Marla. Too many frills and furbelows, I don't think we should strive for the fan-tailed pigeon look, do you? And you, Darla, that outfit's the pits. Loose where it should be tight and tight where it should be loose, like the folds on a turkey's neck. Why would I design such atrocious looking clothes?

  [sitting down with a heavy sigh] 

  Lady Holiday : I *must* be getting senile.

  [she presses a button on her desk] 

  Voice over intercom : Yes, Lady Holiday?

  Lady Holiday : We have to make drastic changes in the new line before the show tomorrow, all my girls are going around looking like barnyard animals.

  Miss Piggy : Ahem!

  Lady Holiday : Good heavens, who are you?

  Miss Piggy : My name is Miss Piggy, and I would like to be a high-fashion model!

  Lady Holiday : Doesn't surprise me. Seems to be the way we're headed.

• Miss Piggy : Oh, Kermy! Oh, I've missed you so!

  Kermit : [stiffly]  Please, the name is Rosenthal.

  [lowers voice] 

  Kermit : I'm your attorney, that's the only way they'd let me in here.

  Miss Piggy : Oh, right! Oh, I've missed you so... Rosenthal. It's been an eternity.

  Kermit : [puzzled]  It's been forty-five minutes.

  Miss Piggy : Time goes slow in the cooler.

• Pops : [banging on bathroom door]  Hey! What's goin' on in there? Lotta folks out here need to use the restroom!

  Kermit : Well, we're developing these pictures, we'll be out as soon as we finish. We're trying to catch a jewel thief.

  Fozzie : A jewel thief!

  Pops : Well, catch him in another room, people are dancing up and down on one leg out here!

• Miss Piggy : [at the supper club]  Well, what a delightful menu!

  [Kermit looks at the menu and gasps] 

  Miss Piggy : What?

  Kermit : [nervously]  Oh, hah, nothing, it's just sort of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an Oldsmobile.

• Kermit : Piggy? Piggy, you're overacting.

  Miss Piggy : What?

  Kermit : You're overacting. You're hamming it up!

  Miss Piggy : I am not! I am trying to save this movie.

  Kermit : Yeah, well save your performance instead!

• Miss Piggy : Do you know where Lady Holliday's Baseball Diamond is being kept?

  Truck Driver : Well, funny enough, I do: it's at the Mallory Gallery, a virtually impregnable fortress many miles from here.

  Miss Piggy : Oh! I only have a half an hour to get there!

  Truck Driver : On foot? You'll never make it.

  Miss Piggy : I know! How about a ride?

  Truck Driver : You can read, I presume? "No passengers."

  [He points to the sticker on the truck's door] 

  Miss Piggy : Oh, couldn't you make an exception for little old moi?

  Truck Driver : Not even for little old vous.

  [laughs] 

  Miss Piggy : Pretty please?

  Truck Driver : No!

  Miss Piggy : [strained]  I've tried to be nice.

  Truck Driver : Huh?

  Miss Piggy : [Piggy throws the driver out of his truck and into the garbage cans]  Hii-yahh!

  Oscar the Grouch : [emerges from a trash can]  Hey, what's all the racket?

  Truck Driver : What are you doing here?

  Oscar the Grouch : A very brief cameo.

  Truck Driver : Me too. Tsk, tsk.

• Fozzie : [shouting]  Hold it!

  Fozzie : [the room grows quiet]  Sha-ame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this,. for- for- for justice! For freedom! For honesty!

  Scooter : Boy, do I feel ashamed.

  Pops : Me, too. I feel like two cents.

  Rowlf : I'm back in.

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : You can count on me!

  Floyd : [with a mix of sarcasm and sincerity]  Oh, hey, I was only joking. Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun to go out there and risk our lives.

  Dr. Teeth : [everybody says "Yeah"]  All for one, and one for all.

  Janice : Yeah!

  Sam the Eagle : At times like this, I am proud to be an American.

  [Sam harrumphs as he leaves the doorway] 

• Fozzie : [going over a checklist]  Wax lips?

  Zoot : Aw man, I just had 'em.

  Dr. Teeth : Did you leave 'em in your other pants?

  Zoot : I don't have no other pants.

  Fozzie : [going back to the checklist]  Yo-yo?

  Janice : Fer sure.

• Beauregard : Takes awhile to get to know the town.

  Fozzie : How long have you lived in London?

  Beauregard : All my life.

  Kermit : How come you don't have an English accent?

  Beauregard : Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license!

• [Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo are in wooden boxes on an airline flight] 

  Fozzie : Kermit, can you reach the hostess call button? I'm hungry.

  Kermit : They don't serve food in 9th class.

  Fozzie : What? Twelve dollars and we don't even get a meal?

• Kermit : What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed.

  Zoot : Oh, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery.

  Animal : RENOIR!

• Fozzie : Kermit, are bears allowed in those fountains?

  Kermit : [bewildered]  What?

  Fozzie : Are bears allowed in those fountains?

  Kermit : No, I don't think so.

  Fozzie : I need a bath.

• Kermit : [on the plane]  Someone's coming.

  Fozzie : Oh, maybe they're bringing hamburgers.

• News Editor : Did you read these headlines? Huh?

  [reads newspaper] 

  News Editor : "JEWEL HEIST ON MAIN STREET!" And it's nice bold print, isn't it?

  Kermit : Yes, it's very easy to read.

  News Editor : Shut up now.

  Kermit : [sheepish]  Sorry.

  News Editor : "Lady Holiday's Jewels Stolen," that's what it says in The Times. And here's The Herald, "Fashion Queen Of London Robbed." And last, but not least

  [chuckles] 

  News Editor : here's our cute little banner story, "Identical Twins Join The Chronicle Staff." Now I ask you, which would you buy?

  Fozzie : I read the one that has "Dear Abby".

  News Editor : OH!

  [News Editor pounds fist into desk in frustration, causing Gonzo to jump with fright up to a light fixture] 

• Fozzie : [Gonzo takes a picture on the bus]  Oh, did I get my elbow in the shot?

  Gonzo : Don't worry; it adds human interest.

  Fozzie : But I'm a bear.

• Fozzie : I sure could use something from one or more of the basic food groups.

• Kermit : [the Muppets are in a frenzy about Kermit's date]  Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing!

  Fozzie : Don't worry Kermit, it won't leave this room.

  The Muppet Newsman : Here is a Muppet newsflash! Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday! Details at 11.

• Fozzie : Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.

  Gonzo : Call room service.

  Kermit : There's no phone.

  Rizzo the Rat : That's OK, there's no food, either.

• Miss Piggy : Well, as you can see from this small sampling, modeling is my life. It is my destiny, I shall accept nothing less.

  Lady Holiday : I can offer you a job as a receptionist.

  Miss Piggy : [jumping up and down and shouting]  AAAAAAAHHHHH! I'll take it! I'll take it! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, you won't be sorry, I promise. I can type, I can take shorthand, I can make coffee, I can do it all!

  Lady Holiday : Sit.

  [Miss Piggy immediately sits down and calms herself] 

  Miss Piggy : I can sit. I'm very good at sitting.

• [going over the checklist] 

  Fozzie : Peanut butter?

  Floyd : Animal ate it.

  Animal : Sorry!

• Kermit : [shouting]  Uh, taxi! Taxi!

  [to Fozzie] 

  Kermit : I don't know why the cabs won't stop.

  Gonzo : Just leave it to me.

  [throws himself in front of a cab] 

  Gonzo : Taxi!

  Kermit , Fozzie : Aaaaahhh!

  [the cab stops] 

  Kermit : Uh, that's very effective.

  Gonzo : Yeah, it's great when it works!

• Kermit : Hurry up, Gonzo. There's gotta be a picture of somebody taking Lady Holiday's necklace.

  Gonzo : Well, I don't know. I still think that pig took it.

  Kermit : Oh, she wouldn't steal.

  Gonzo : Why not? She lied.

  Kermit : That's two different things. Besides, she couldn't have stolen the necklace because she was dancing.

  Fozzie : That's right. There's that old adage: "You can't dance and steal at the same time."

  Gonzo : No, that's "You can't walk and chew gum at the same time."

  Fozzie : Oh no, I think it's "You can't pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time."

  Kermit : What's the difference? She didn't steal the necklace.

  Gonzo : I'll betcha I can do it.

  Kermit : Do what?

  Gonzo : Pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time.

  [Gonzo starts patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time] 

  Fozzie : Big deal. Anybody can do that.

  [Fozzie joins in with Gonzo] 

  Kermit : [shouting]  Would you guys cut it out? We're wasting time!

• Gonzo : [Referring to Big Ben]  Is that the Eiffel Tower?

  Fozzie : Yeah!

  Kermit : No.

  Fozzie : No. No.

• Fozzie : [sighs]  It was nice of the Chronicle to pay for our flight home.

  Pops : Yeah, but a man should be treated better than his luggage.

  Scooter : Yeah, well, my luggage was sucked out the door. Luckily my radio is frozen to my wrist.

• Fozzie : [going over checklist]  Whoopie cushion?

  Rowlf : I think it's on the bus.

• Kermit : [standing outside the Mallory Gallery]  How do we get in?

  Fozzie : I suggest we ring the door bell.

• Miss Piggy : Adios, mon cherie.

• Sam the Eagle : It's times like these, I'm proud to be an American.

• [Piggy's truck runs out of gas] 

  Miss Piggy : What am I? A glutton for punishment?

• Fozzie : Uh, excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir. Would you let Kermit go? If you hold him too long, he'll just give you warts.

• News Editor : How could you miss a story like *that?* It was right under your noses, practically bit you on the seat of your pants! There's just no excuse!

  Fozzie : I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise?

  News Editor : A *raise?* A *RAISE?* Oh, I'll give you a raise, all right!

  [Bangs his desk, sending them all flying] 

• Beauregard : What's your room number?

  Kermit : What?

  Fozzie : I don't know, but we're on the second floor.

  Beauregard : Oh, I'm sorry. I can only take you as far as the lobby.

• Gonzo : [going over the Thames]  What's the name of this river?

  Kermit : I don't know.

  Fozzie : I think it's the English river.

  Gonzo : Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese!

• Kermit : Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission. There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there is the slightest chance that somebody might even get killed. So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it.

  Floyd : I'm out.

  Rowlf : Me too.

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : Ditto.

  Beaker : Meep meep.

  Zoot : Hey, don't we have a gig around here, or something, or somewhere?

  Pops : Sorry, I got a dental appointment.

  Janice : It's like this, Kermit, I have to go to work all day...

  [everyone starts talking at once] 

  Fozzie : [shouting]  Hold it!

  [everyone stops talking] 

  Fozzie : Shame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this f-f-for justice! For freedom! For honesty!

• Miss Piggy : [rides on a motorcycle]  I'm coming, Kermie!

  [the police chase her as the sirens get her attention] 

  Miss Piggy : [to the audience]  Well, you wanted excitement.

• Kermit : Gee, Mr. Tarkanian. We thought identical twins working on a newspaper would make an interesting story.

  Fozzie : Yeah.

  News Editor : Well, it doesn't. Especially since you two guys don't look anything alike!

  Kermit : Well, that's 'cause Fozzie's not wearing his hat. Oh, Fozzie, put your hat back on.

  Fozzie : Oh. Yes, sir.

  [Fozzie puts his hat on] 

  Fozzie : See?

  News Editor : [looks at them carefully]  Oh, yeahhhh. I can see it now.

• [after the "Happiness Hotel" song number is over] 

  Sam the Eagle : You are all weirdos!

• Miss Piggy : Please don't go. Kermit, please. Oh, please, I'm sorry. Please! Please!

  Kermit : Piggy, hold it.

  Miss Piggy : Please! Please! Please!

  Kermit : Piggy...? Piggy? You're overacting.

  Miss Piggy : ...What?

  Kermit : You're overacting. You're hamming it up.

  Miss Piggy : I am not. I am trying to save this movie.

  Kermit : [getting annoyed]  Oh, yeah? Well, save your performance instead.

  Miss Piggy : I am playing eight hundred different emotions!

  Kermit : Well, try to play one of them right.

  Miss Piggy : Oh, oh! I have a career of my own.

  Kermit : I know all about your career, Pig.

  Miss Piggy : I don't need this lousy duck pond here.

  Kermit : Sure, you don't need a lousy duck pond.

  Miss Piggy : I'll just walk.

  Kermit : [angry]  Okay, sure. Go ahead and walk.

  Miss Piggy : [briefly turning to the camera]  Should I walk? Then I'll walk!

  Kermit : Walk! Go ahead and walk!

  [Miss Piggy turns away and whimpers] 

  Kermit : Oh, Piggy.

  [He sighs] 

  Kermit : Listen.

  Miss Piggy : [in tears]  I'm doing my best.

  Kermit : Well... I know you are.

  [He moves in to comfort her] 

  Kermit : Piggy, I'm sorry. We gotta get back to the movie, though.

  Miss Piggy : [trying to collect herself]  All right. All right, all right, all right.

  [She heaves a heavy sigh and resumes acting] 

• Miss Piggy : I am playing eight hundred different emotions!

  Kermit : Well, try to play one of them right.