- Glen Wilson: Where did you learn to fly?
- Helicopter Pilot: In the army.
- Glen Wilson: What, The Salvation Army?
- Sheriff Bleed: [noticing his wrecked police car] This is an unacceptable waste. A filthy shame. You're under arrest.
- Sheriff Turner: Sherm, you're in my county, now and you can't even arrest a butterfly.
- Sheriff Bleed: But the crime was initiated in Knotsie County. I have a right to pursue people across the state line.
- Sheriff Turner: Look, only the FBI can cross a state line, Sherm. You're so stupid about the law!
- Sheriff Bleed: Oh, yeah?
- [takes out his handcuffs]
- Sheriff Bleed: Well, I know a criminal when I see one.
- [Sheriff Turner starts to run]
- Sheriff Bleed: Stop or I'll shoot!
- Sheriff Turner: [laughs] You shoot me and I'll hang you!
- Sheriff Bleed: You'll never live to see it!
- [first lines]
- Sheriff Turner: Bentley, don't reveal your position. This time, we'll get that son of a bitch and bury him under the men's room, then there'll be no more car chases in this town. A man on this force loses another car in pursuit of the suspect, he'll lose two year's pay.
- Peggy Sue Turner: [after she and Roscoe steal the station wagon] I hate corrupting a little kid, like that.
- Roscoe Wilton: Man, this turd's so slow, a couple yokels are catching us in their pickup.
- Peggy Sue Turner: Really?
- Roscoe Wilton: Yeah.
- Peggy Sue Turner: [notices the truck driver is Sheriff Turner] Uh-oh, it's daddy!
- Sheriff Turner: [he and Bentley interrupt the homecoming's band's practice] Uh... whose tangerine Triumph Convertible is that out there in the parking lot?
- Triumph Convertible Owner: It's mine, Sheriff. It's gonna be in the homecoming parade.
- Sheriff Turner: [crazed] Your ass it's gonna be in the homecoming!
- [he and Bentley scramble around the students to capture him]
- Band Director: [sarcastic] Don't mind me, you know? What the hell.
- Kenny: [walks over to Peggy Sue] Hey, Peggy Sue, what time do you want to be picked up, tomorrow?
- Sheriff Turner: [angrily] Picked up? What time do you want to be PUT DOWN? Mess with my daughter and all you'll pick up is your teeth!
- Sheriff Turner: [to the rabbi in the stolen pickup truck] Sorry to run off with you, like this, Padre, but my little girl's been abducted by some goddamn teenage car thief and anything I hate is a car thief. If I ever get my hands on him, there's no power on God's brown earth that'll keep me from killing that son of a bitch.
- Glen Wilson: [after seeing his car get stolen by Roscoe] Who the hell is driving that goddamn goddamn car?
- Roscoe Wilton: [Saving Lester from the Arabs by aiming a gun at them] Freeze, cow jockeys!
- Peggy Sue Turner: Ooh, terrific.
- Roscoe Wilton: I'll mow you down.
- Lester: Goddamn, boy, you saved our necks. The sheriff ought to give you an unofficial pardon.
- Lester, Deputy Bentley: But he won't.
- Coach: I want every starter to hit the john between now and game time! Kenny, how's the knee?
- Kenny: It'll be all right. Uh, Coach, would you mind if I took some time off from the game? It's just that with Peggy Sue getting crowned and all, I didn't wanna miss that.
- Coach: There is no room in this game for sentiment, son. For forty-eight minutes, you're married to that pigskin!
- Kenny: I know, Coach, but half-time isn't part of the forty-eight minutes.
- Coach: You're all going to be out on the field, during the ceremony. All right, now remember, keep your mind on the game!
- Football Player: Like this, Coach?
- [Smashes his head continuously with an empty garbage can]
- Coach: YOU GOT IT!
- Deputy Bentley: Sheriff, you got them. They went down there. It's a dead end.
- Sheriff Turner: Where in the hell have you been all day, Bentley? Boy, you look like you got yourself the Galloping Ringworm, boy. Put yourself on report!
- Peggy Sue Turner: [after Sheriff Turner crashes his car into the lake] Some dork just wiped out, over there.
- Doctor: [after the doctor tuns over Kenny's body in his car] Uh-oh. I wonder if he's hurt.
- [goes over to an unharmed Kenny]
- Doctor: Are you all right? I'm a doctor.
- Kenny: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, doc. Listen, I need to borrow your car. It's a matter of life or death.
- Doctor: Kiss mine, child.
- [Kenny headbutts the doctor and falls to the ground]
- Kenny: [getting into the car] You ought to watch your language, doc. I'll probably burn in hell for this, but it'll be worth it.
- [speeds off]
- Doctor: [helplessly] I've been had.
- Man on sidewalk: [to Sheriff Turner] That cheeky young couple stole my car!
- Sheriff Turner: [planning to steal the lady sheriff's car] All I really need, Nell, is your car!
- [laughs]
- Woman Sheriff: Oh, no, you don't, Hoagy. That's a big, hot no-no.
- Sheriff Turner: War is hell, Nell!
- [speeds off]
- Little Girl: [she and Bentley are witnessing the fight between Kenny and Harold] What are they fighting about?
- Deputy Bentley: Who cares?
- Harold: Hey, Roscoe, you're not supposed to be hanging around here!
- Roscoe Wilton: Just thought you needed some protection.
- Harold: I need protection from you like I need a bee in my shorts.
- Deputy #3: [Sheriff Turner and Bentley arrive in the school parking lot] I got him, sheriff. I think he's hiding in the trunk.
- Sheriff Turner: What the...?
- Band Director: All right, once more. Now, pay attention. This is a homecoming rehearsal. It is not a gang war!
- Sheriff Turner: If there's anything I hate, it's a car thief, a loudmouth, and a chicken-shit runaway!
- Roscoe Wilton: Hey, porky, want me to turn around and come back?
- Sheriff Turner: That'd be the only sane and sensible thing to do, son!
- Roscoe Wilton: Well, yes, sir, officer. That's just what you'll get.
- [He suddenly turns around and speeds past Turner, who loses control and crashes his car sideways]
- Sheriff Turner: [describing his nemesis, Sheriff Bleed] Getting anything from him is like trying to shit in a shoe.
- Sheriff Turner: [to two officers pulling into Snake Lake before stealing their car] My mother, she's drowning!
- Sheriff Bleed: [noticing Turner speeding past in a stolen police car] TURNER! I'm gonna pull his ass up around his neck and choke him to death!