Yellowbeard (1983)

Graham Chapman: Yellowbeard

Photos 

Quotes 

• Yellowbeard : Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!

• Yellowbeard : She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.

• Commander Clement : Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.

  Yellowbeard : Yes, and now I'm due to released.

  Commander Clement : Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.

• Dan : Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!

  Yellowbeard : Do what?

  Dan : Putrify, go rotten!

  Yellowbeard : Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.

• Betty : When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.

  Yellowbeard : Does he know about this?

  Betty : Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.

• Yellowbeard : Where's the map?

  Betty : What map?

  Yellowbeard : If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!

• Dan : Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map.

  Yellowbeard : Bugger them! I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.

• Troila : What's happened to Daddy?

  Yellowbeard : I killed him!

  Dan : He's gone to heaven.

  Troila : Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.

• Yellowbeard : I'll kill anyone who get's in the way of me killing anyone.

• Betty : That's Yellowbeard.

  Yellowbeard : I'm in disguise, you stupid tart!

• Yellowbeard : Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot!

  Dan : What?

  Yellowbeard : You're either born a pirate or not! It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago!

• Betty : Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.

  Yellowbeard : I raped ya, if that's what you mean.

  Betty : Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.

• Yellowbeard : I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.

  Betty : Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side, but not fatal dear.

• Yellowbeard : Oh, been out raping, lad?

  [sees Troila] 

  Yellowbeard : Nice work lad.

  Dan : No, I haven't raped her!

  Yellowbeard : [disappointed]  No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar!

  [grins] 

  Yellowbeard : That's what I liked about her!

• Yellowbeard : With your head on my shoulders we could wreck civilization!

• Yellowbeard : When they stretched me on the rack for a couple of years, I didn't go around dyin' all over the place!

• Gilbert : Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?

  Yellowbeard : You won't catch me with those trick questions.

• Yellowbeard : Who're you talkin' about?

  Betty : The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers.

  Yellowbeard : Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em!

• Betty : When little Dan came along...

  Yellowbeard : Who's Dan?

  Betty : [indignantly]  My and probably your son!

• Yellowbeard : Where's my pirating outfit?

• Yellowbeard : Alright, Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!

  Lord Lambourn : Hold your horses...

  Dan : I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.

  Yellowbeard : Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?

  Lord Lambourn : Yes...

  Dan : No!

  Lord Lambourn : No.

  Dan : He's been kind and gentle.

  Yellowbeard : What kind of a father is that? Kill him!

  Dan : No!

  Yellowbeard : Alright, I'll do it!

• Betty : You're all going after the treasure!

  Dan , Lord Lambourn , Yellowbeard , Dr. Gilpin : No!

  Lord Lambourn : Uh, botanical...

  Yellowbeard : Killing plants!

• Dan : Father! We thought you were dead.

  Yellowbeard : Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead. How are you gettin' on pirating?

  Dan : Um, well...

  Yellowbeard : How many men have you killed so far?

  Dan : One. Two, I think.

  Yellowbeard : You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.

• Yellowbeard : Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up like the stupid little twerp that you are. I was recreating what happened to me twenty years ago, man and boy.

• Yellowbeard : You are a Yellowbeard!

  Dan : What?

  Yellowbeard : Killin' your father as I killed my father before me.

  Dan : Dad, the blood...

  Yellowbeard : That's what I like to hear! You are my son!

• Betty : I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.

  Yellowbeard : Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit!

• Yellowbeard : She's yours, is she then, Dan? Let me have a bit of a prod at her first.

• Yellowbeard : [a knock at the door]  KILL!

• Yellowbeard : Never trust a woman or a government.