All of Me (1984)

Steve Martin: Roger Cobb

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Quotes 

• Roger : Just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant. And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers, I'm sure he did. It's just that as a barber, he didn't have that much opportunity.

• Roger : You'll have to do it.

  Edwina Cutwater : Do what?

  Roger : You know, take it out.

  Edwina Cutwater : Take what out?

  Roger : The little fireman.

  Edwina Cutwater : The little fireman?

  Roger : You know, my penis.

  Edwina Cutwater : How dare you say penis to a dead person.

• Terry Hoskins : [Roger and Terry start to have sex and she lowers his underwear]  Roger, what's wrong?

  Roger : What?

  Terry Hoskins : Don't I excite you?

  Roger : Edwina, what are you doing?

  Edwina Cutwater : I'm thinking of very old nuns.

  Roger : Please don't do this to me!

  Terry Hoskins : Roger, don't you want me?

  Roger : [Bolts from the bed]  Oh, God! Now she's thinking of dead kittens!

• Edwina Cutwater : What is so important about sex?

  Roger Cobb : What's so important about sex? That's like "What's important about laughing?" Or," "Duke Ellington" or the "World Series"? It's one of those things that makes you feel like you're really - living, Iike you're glad to be alive!

  Edwina Cutwater : I am already glad to be alive. I don't need to play 'tonsil hockey' with some English tart to feel good. I already feel good. I feel wonderful In fact, I feel - quite tingly!

  Roger Cobb : Yeah, that's right. Those are my tingles you're feeling.

  Edwina Cutwater : What do you mean?

  Roger Cobb : It's called "sexual - excitement".

  Edwina Cutwater : It is?

  Roger Cobb : Yes. If you think this feels good, wait'll you feel what hot, passionate boffing feels like.

  Edwina Cutwater : And what happens? Bigger tingles?

  Roger Cobb : Oh! Major tingles.

  Edwina Cutwater : But, will she still respect us tomorrow?

  Roger Cobb : She doesn't respect us now!

  Edwina Cutwater : Let's boff.

• Edwina Cutwater : Guess what I'm going to do?

  Roger : What?

  Edwina Cutwater : I'm going to come back from the dead.

  Roger : Aaahhhh. And what makes you think you can do that?

  Edwina Cutwater : Because I'm rich.

• Edwina Cutwater : Well I don't see why you're getting so upset about all this.

  Roger : Because I want my body back. And I want my freedom and my privacy. And most of all, I'd like to be able to take a leak without being fondled.

  Edwina Cutwater : You may find this hard to believe, but 'fondling you' while you make pee-pee is not my idea of a good time.

• Edwina Cutwater : Hmm, we seem to have mutual control over our body.

  Roger : OUR body? This is my body! I'm not sharing my body with anyone!

  Hardhat : [overhears]  Everybody's gonna be real disappointed.

• Roger : You bought me a grave-post for my 38th birthday?

• Roger : [to Edwina Cutwater]  You know, it's just like a dead person to say something like that.

• Roger : Alright. First, loosen your GRIP.

• Edwina Cutwater : You know, you don't have to speak out loud. I can hear your thoughts.

  Roger : Great, just what I've always wanted.

• Peggy Schuyler : By the way, I never liked your dog. And I think jazz is stupid! And I faked all of those orgasms. 'Ah! Ah! Oh! Yes!' Sound familiar?

  Roger : Yeah? Well I faked mine too!

• Roger Cobb : I've been thinking. Remember that thing you used to want to talk about? And we never did? You know, the M-word? Well, I think maybe it's time that we did the M-word.

  Peggy Schuyler : Roger, I don't think you're ready to do the M-word.

  Roger Cobb : Yeah, I am. Honest. Peggy, I want to get - M'd.

  Peggy Schuyler : Roger, if you can't say the M-word, then you're not ready to do the M-word.

• Terry Hoskins : If Miss Cutwater really is inside you, he will help her Ieave your body and enter mine.

  Roger Cobb : I think I envy her.

• Edwina Cutwater : You have no idea what it's like to be inside a healthy body!

  Roger Cobb : I tried to find out last night!

• Edwina Cutwater : Just tell him what happened. I'm sure he'll believe you.

  Roger : (thinks) What, are you kidding? I don't even believe it. If I tell him, he'll definitely have me put away.

• Burton Schuyler : It seems that one of my wife's best friends suddenly lost her husband. Well, women usually do outlive their men. So, naturally, she found herself cut off from her normal sexual relations and...

  Roger Cobb : She turned to you and you comfort her. I understand, sir, you really didn't do anything wrong.

  Burton Schuyler : You better believe it. I was incredible!

  Roger Cobb : I see, sir. I think I can figure out the rest.

  Burton Schuyler : Oh, and then another one was widowed.

  Roger Cobb : Ok, so two little indiscretions. That's not such a big deal.

  Burton Schuyler : And then, another one. And then, another. And pretty soon, just going to a funeral would give me a hard-on.

• Roger Cobb : [singing]  All of me, Why not take all of me, Can't you see, I'm no good without...

• Peggy Schuyler : Roger, you go to court tomorrow, we're through.

  Roger : If I don't, your father will have my balls.

  Peggy Schuyler : Then it's me or your balls, Roger. You can't have both.

• Tyrone Wattell : Roger, exactly how do you plan pulling this off?

  Roger : Beats the heck out of me.

  Tyrone Wattell : Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought.

• Roger : What the hell are you doing in there?

  Edwina Cutwater : Oh God, don't you guys get enough laughs up there? What have I ever done to you?

• Roger : You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.

• Roger : Is everyone here bananas?

• Roger : I'm talking to a *bucket*.

• Roger Cobb : This is really good! No more being looked down upon by people that think they're better than I am because they're rich. From now on I'm gonna be respected - by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich.

• Roger Cobb : I want a partnership.

  Burton Schuyler : Listen, the day you give up be-bop and concentrate on the law, we'll talk!

  Roger Cobb : Start talking. I quit the band. As of today I'm dedicating myself full time to my legal career. Later today, I'm going to buy a vest.

  Burton Schuyler : My God, you're serious.

• Roger Cobb : Let's get something straight here. I never liked you when you were in your body. I certainly don't like you in mine!

• Edwina Cutwater : I'm sorry if I spoiled your birthday.

  Roger Cobb : And I'm sorry if I made you being dead an unpleasant experience.

• Roger Cobb : [speaking for Edwina]  Why, Miss Hoskins, you whore. You lascivious whore!

  [speaking as Roger] 

  Roger Cobb : Oh, no!

  Terry Hoskins : Oh, yes.

  Roger Cobb : [speaking for Edwina]  You're a shameless little slut!

  Terry Hoskins : Yes!

  Roger Cobb : Shut up!

  Terry Hoskins : Talk dirty.

  Roger Cobb : [speaking for Edwina]  You're nothing but a cheap sex tramp!

  Terry Hoskins : Good! Good! Now call me a poodle, Mr. Cobb. Call me a cheap, slut, sex poodle!

  Roger Cobb : [speaking for Edwina]  Why you deserve a good spanking?

  Terry Hoskins : Oh, Mr. Cobb!

  Roger Cobb : [speaking for Edwina]  Oh! Oh, you little bed bunny!

  [spanking Terry, speaking as Roger] 

  Roger Cobb : Edwina, no!

  Terry Hoskins : Mr. Cobb, yes! You love rocket!

  Roger Cobb : [Speaking for Edwina]  Ah, stop talking like that!

  Terry Hoskins : Oh, spank me again, you bad boy!

• Judge : Bailiff! Throw this jackass out of my courtroom! I'm going to the State bar. You're a lunatic!

  Roger Cobb : He can't do this to me!

  Mr. Mifflin : He's not just a lunatic! He's a pervert too! He plays with himself in the Mens Room!

  Peggy Schuyler : And he cheated on me Daddy! He had sex with a dead body in your offices!

  Burton Schuyler : You're fired Cobb!

  [bailiff throws Roger onto the floor in hallway] 

• Roger : (in church) You really know how to pack them in.

• Roger Cobb : Why do I do it?

  Margo : I think it's called paying dues.

  Roger Cobb : I've been paying dues for 11 years. I should own the entire club by now.

  Margo : Right on, Roger.

• Roger Cobb : Miss Cutwater, as your attorney it is my duty to inform you that the will could be contested if you're deemed - not of perfectly sound mind.

  Edwina Cutwater : Why you presumptuous ambulance chaser. Are you insinuating that I am not of perfectly sound mind?

  Roger Cobb : No. No, I wouldn't do that, but I think practically everybody in the solar system would.

• Edwina Cutwater : Oh! Oh, Mr... .

  Roger Cobb : Cobb.

  Edwina Cutwater : Cobb. Oh, yes, you're the tedious one. Would you mind accompanying me back to my deathbed?

• Terry Hoskins : When I was 15 I ran away from home thinking I could find myself in the material world. I found only pain. His Holiness Prakha Lasa teaches that possessions transmit pain. I want something far more valuable than money, far more - elusive, for which I'm giving up my physical being and become one with the Universe.

  Roger Cobb : And, uh, don't you think that's just a little bit - whacko?

  Terry Hoskins : [takes Roger's hand and places it on her breast]  Feel my heart. You are unhappy. You are anxious and unfulfilled because you are not doing with your life as you wish. I am at peace. Which one of us is crazy?

  Roger Cobb : You are.

• Margo : He's in the conference room with Miss Cutwater.

  Roger Cobb : She's here?

  Margo : Also with her doctor, with her nurse, Mr. Mifflin, some English girl with no bra, and a Hindu holding a bedpan on a stick.

• Edwina Cutwater : Ever since our little accident, I have sensed a lot of hostility coming from you.

  Roger Cobb : Well, excuse me! But I'm watching my entire career go right down the sewer, 'cause I've got a dead woman living inside me. And the only person that can get you out is some cosmic weirdo you can't even find!

• Edwina Cutwater : I thought we we're going to find Prakha Lasa?

  Roger Cobb : I'm just taking a little breather, that's all.

  Edwina Cutwater : Yes, well, put your little breather back inside your trousers and let's go find him!

• Terry Hoskins : Please, Roger, I want to feel your naked skin next to mine. I want to feel our bodies merge.

  Roger Cobb : Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with a quick little old merge.

• Tyrone Wattell : [Tyrone on the street, playing his sax]  That was very bodacious.

  Roger Cobb : Hey, Roger Dodger, what it is?