- Don Canneloni: In the past, the Canneloni family was the most powerful of the families. We controlled drugs, prostitution, extortion, prostitution, gambling...
- Slim: Uh, you said 'prostitution' twice.
- Don Canneloni: Well, I like it.
- CHP Officer: What are you boys trying to pull?
- J.J. McClure: There's been a nuclear meltdown and we're transporting some contaminated materials to Connecticut.
- CHP Officer: Well, why Connecticut?
- J.J. McClure: They ran out.
- [while Terry and Mel try to get a car from Cal, the chimp plays with the phone]
- Uncle Cal: Stop it, boy! I told you not to play with the phone!
- [Cal hangs up the phone]
- Uncle Cal: Damn chimp costs me three hundred a month in wrong numbers.
- [the chimp starts throwing things at Cal]
- Uncle Cal: Hey! Stop it, you primate! That's it, I've had it with you! 'Scuse me, boys. I need to teach this boy some manners. Hey, son.
- [Cal hits the chimp with his hat. The chimp hits him back and knocks him across the room]
- Uncle Cal: Now you stepped in it.
- [Cal engages in a slap fight with the chimp and ultimately loses]
- Uncle Cal: [to Mel and Terry] Boys, I got one condition on your needs. I'm gonna give you the limo, but only if you take this hairy son of a bitch with you!
- Fenderbaum: It's General Patton and general admission.
- [He and Blake laugh]
- J.J. McClure: Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops. They oughta arrest their minds for vagrancy.
- Blake: We're gonna die. We're gonna die, we're gonna die. What do you think they're gonna do to us?
- Fenderbaum: I don't know what they're gonna do to you, but since Mr. T ain't here, I'll be too busy licking their boots to see.
- King: How come you have a blond, blue-eyed slave?
- Shiek: He's an actor. Hasn't had a series in seven years.
- The Slapper: Nine.
- Blake: Is the Blimp driving?
- Fenderbaum: No, it's the General.
- Blake: The General? Oh, I'm gonna make a private outta him.
- Tony: [36:55] We've put our heads together, and we've decided we're gonna rip off the Arab, on the road, during the car race.
- Don Don Canneloni: Oh, you put your heads together, huh? IT MUST'VE SOUNDED LIKE A BOWLING ALLEY.
- Captain Chaos: J.J... Long time, no see.
- J.J. McClure: Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.
- Captain Chaos: Have no fear, 'Him' is here.
- J.J. McClure: I need a girl.
- Victor: Yeah, me too.
- J.J. McClure: You?
- Victor: Sure. Hey, J.J., I'm not a eunuch, you know.
- J.J. McClure: Of course you're not a eunuch. Don't put yourself down like that. You have a striking resemblance to a eunuch but...
- [Both laugh]
- J.J. McClure: Just kidding.
- Blake: Don't you worry, 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
- Fenderbaum: What?
- Blake: I'm gonna take this car, and I'm gonna turn so that I block the whole highway sideways. And when they come, they're gonna have a choice, either to ditch it, or ram right straight into us.
- Fenderbaum: Yeah. Yeah. Ditch it or... ram STRAIGHT INTO US?
- Blake: Yup.
- CHP Officer 1: I think we got 'em right between us. Just pull out and block the damn road.
- [the Lamborghini races by the second CHP before he can do anything]
- CHP Officer 2: Got any more bright ideas?
- Don Don Canneloni: Hymie Kaplan. What a surprise. Ooh, ohh, wow. You look great. So, what brings you to the Pinto Ranch? Business or pleasure?
- Hymie Kaplan: May I have a chair?
- Don Don Canneloni: Oh, certainly.
- [Hymie picks up a chair and smashes it over his henchman who doesn't even flinch]
- Don Don Canneloni: Oh. It's business.
- [the last team finally arrives]
- Race Official: Forget it, guys. You're four hours and fifteen martinis late.
- Victor: [J.J. has just performed a dangerous stunt] I figured it out. If we do this ten times a day, by the end of the year, we'll be billionaires.
- [Victor tears up a telegram]
- J.J. McClure: What is that?
- Victor: Oh, don't worry about that. It's the Cannonball race. It's on again. A million dollars is the first prize. But don't you worry, we'll be billionaires.
- [J.J. picks up a handful of hay and stuffs it into Victor's mouth]
- Victor: What did I say?
- J.J. McClure: You want me to do this ten times a day?
- Victor: Nine?
- [J.J. stuffs another handful of hay in his mouth]
- Victor: What a grouch!
- Slim: Okay, you'll tell us.
- Blake: We're gonna race to Connecticut and the one that wins gets a million dollars in cash.
- Tony: Only a moron would back up a race like that!
- Shiek: [the Shiek enters] Ah, Fenderbaum and Blake. Good to see you! You should be sleeping at this hour. Remember, we leave at noon tomorrow.
- Shiek: [Fenderbaum directs the Shiek's attention to the Cannelonis] Wingtips? Barbarians! Come, come!
- Shiek: [the Shiek hands Caesar a handful of money] Buy yourself a decent clothing store. Infidels!
- Blake: [the Shiek leaves] That was the moron.
- Caesar: You know, these liars could be telling the truth.
- J.J. McClure: What line did you say you were from?
- Betty: The Order of Imaculate Chastity.
- Victor: The Order of Imaculate Chastity? I read the bible all the time. In fact, I once read the bible that was printed on the head of a pin. That was hard. But, I've never heard of the Order of Imaculate...
- Veronica: You have to read the New Testament. In fact, it's not even the New Testament. It's the New... uh...
- Betty: New Wave.
- Don Don Canneloni: Can I buy you a drink?
- Fenderbaum: But of course.
- Don Don Canneloni: Cherice? Cherice?
- [Don Don looks over and sees the fight taking place]
- Don Don Canneloni: Oh, they seem to be so busy.
- Don Canneloni: And now, the Rigatonis, the Tortellinis, the Fettuchinis, and even the Raviolis are bigger than we are. And why?
- Tony: High interest rates.
- Sonny: Acid rain.
- Slim: Japanese imports.
- Caesar: Uh... uh... none of the above.
- Don Canneloni: No. No. No. Youse mugs already know the answer.
- Caesar: Gee, boss, if I knew there was gonna be a test, I would've studied.
- [From the blooper reel at the end of the film]
- Captain Chaos: The Cannonball Run is a race from Connecticut to your ass.
- Fenderbaum: I been called a lot of things but I ain't never been called no commie.
- Blake: I ain't even a Democrat!
- Don Canneloni: [Don Canneloni is stroking a cat in his lap. Suddenly he picks up in one hand; the cat is stiff as a board] This cat is dead. Somebody bring me a new cat.
- [one the henchman hands him another cat]
- Don Canneloni: Ah, a tabby. Very nice.
- [lifts up the cat's tail]
- Don Canneloni: And a male.
- [first lines]
- King: For one thousand centuries, the Falafel Family has ruled the deserts with one thing: speed! We had the fastest camels and the fastest horses. And now, due to... you know what
- [mimics oil bubbling up]
- King: , we have the fastest planes, the fastest boats, and the fastest cars. Except for one: yours! Last year, I sent you to America for one simple task. So simple. To emblazen the Falafel name as fastest in the world by winning the Cannonball Run. And you... failed!
- [Blake presents his date with two empty martini glasses]
- Blake: When I make a dry martini, I make a dry martini.
- [last lines]
- King: Once again, you have brought shame and disgrace on our tribe by not winning the Cannonball Run.
- Shiek: But, father. There was this doctor in the car! He tried to give me a
- [mimics injecting a hypodermic needle]
- Shiek: It was his mix!
- King: I warn you. Tomorrow's race is the last Cannonball I am financing. If you do not win, do not bother to come home.
- Shiek: Father, don't worry! I can't lose! I have hired the winner of this Cannonball to be my co-driver in the next one. I would like you to meet him. I have told him so much about you.
- [the King looks intrigued and gives an approving nod. The Shiek leads him to the car]
- Shiek: Excuse me, mister. I would like you to meet my pop!
- [He opens the door, revealing the chimp. The chimp grabs the King and kisses him]