Sixteen Candles (1984)

Michael Schoeffling: Jake

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jake : I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

• [last lines] 

  Samantha : Thanks for getting my undies back.

  Jake : Thanks for coming over.

  Samantha : Thanks for coming to get me.

  Jake : Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.

  Samantha : It already came true.

  [they kiss] 

• [Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house] 

  Long Duk Dong : OK. I'm comin'.

  [opens closet door] 

  Long Duk Dong : Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. OK.

  [opens front door, screams, and shuts door] 

  Long Duk Dong : Go away! I call F.B.I.! I call police! Go away!

  Jake : Open the door.

  Long Duk Dong : No way, Jose!

  Jake : Open the door.

  Long Duk Dong : You beat up my face.

  Jake : You grabbed my nuts.

  Long Duk Dong : [looks through frosted glass on door]  That you?

  Jake : Yeah, that me.

  Long Duk Dong : [opens door]  Oh, so sorry! I thought you my new--new-style American girlfriend.

  Jake : Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?

  Long Duk Dong : She not here.

  Jake : Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?

  Long Duk Dong : She got married.

  Jake : What?

  Long Duk Dong : She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.

  Jake : Married?

  Long Duk Dong : Married.

  Jake : Married?

  Long Duk Dong : Yeah. Married

  [closes door] 

  Jake : [turns around, under breath to himself]  Married?

  Long Duk Dong : Married! Jeez!

• [ring-ring, no one answers the phone...] 

  Jake : [as he hangs up]  Ahh, eat me.

  Howard : Who was it? Well what did they want?

  Dorothy Baker : [shocked]  Sex.

• [Caroline is very drunk] 

  Caroline : Who's he?

  Jake : That's me.

  Caroline : Who are you?

  Jake : I'm him.

  Caroline : Oh, OK.

• Jake : I'll make a deal with you.

  [holds up the panties] 

  Jake : Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?

  The Geek : Jake, I'm only a Freshman.

  Jake : So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

  The Geek : Jake, I don't have a car.

  Jake : You can take mine.

  The Geek : Jake, I don't have license.

  Jake : I trust you...

  The Geek : Jake, I'd love to... I can't.

  [holds out a bowl] 

  The Geek : Want a pretzel?

  Jake : You sure?

  [takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter] 

  The Geek : Positive.

• Jake : Yes, hello, sir, um...

  Howard : Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?

  Jake : Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?

  Howard : Yes it is, and NO you may not.

  Jake : Might I leave a message, sir?

  Howard : [to Grandma Baker]  He wants to leave a message for Sam.

• Jake : I do independent study with her. I catch her lookin' at me a lot. It's kinda cool, the way she's always lookin' at me.

  Rock : Maybe she's retarded.

  Jake : I'm being serious, okay? She looks at me like she's in love with me.

• The Geek : Jake, is your dad a big man, or?

  Jake : About 6'4".

  The Geek : Very nice.

• The Geek : [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in]  This, uh, your car, Jake?

  Jake : No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.

  The Geek : This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.

  Jake : So?

  The Geek : SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!

  Jake : Then don't hit anything.

  The Geek : [incredulous]  Ha ha! Don't hit anything.

• Samantha : [mouths from across the street]  Me?

  Jake : Yeah, you.

  [smiles and jogs across the street] 

  Samantha , Jake : [both in unison]  Hi.

  Jake : Hi.

  Samantha : Hi. What are you doing here?

  Jake : I heard you were here.

  Samantha : You came here for me?

  Jake : Is that OK?

  Samantha : [flattered]  Yeah, it's OK.

  Jake : Do you have to go to the reception now?

  Samantha : I'm supposed to.

  Jake : Can I call you later?

  Samantha : Sure... I mean no.

  Jake : No, I can't call you later?

  Samantha : Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.

  Jake : Oh. Great.

  [walks Samantha to his Porsche] 

• Jake : [surveying the party's aftermath at his house]  What a disaster.

• Jake : You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.

  The Geek : Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?

  Jake : I'll kick your ass.

  The Geek : Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

  Jake : I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.

  The Geek : [almost chokes on a pretzel]  What are you waiting for?

  Jake : I don't know. She's beautiful, and she's built and all that.

  [sighs] 

  Jake : I'm just not interested anymore.

  The Geek : Does that really matter, guy?

  Jake : Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. Only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

  [Spits] 

  The Geek : That's beautiful, Jake. I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do.

  Jake : Really?

  The Geek : Yeah. It's just they don't... They don't have the balls to admit it. You know? They're just... They're wimps.

• Jake : I thought she hated my guts.

• Rock : Jake, she's a child.

  Jake : So?

  Rock : So, what are you gonna do with her? She's obviously too young for party serious.

• Jake : What do you know about her?

  The Geek : She has smallish tits, decent voice, smells pretty good. She drives me - crazy.

• Jake : [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties]  These are really hers?

  The Geek : Yeah.

  Jake : How did you get 'em?

  The Geek : She gave 'em to me.

  Jake : Did you...?

  The Geek : No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!

  Jake : Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.

  The Geek : Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.

  Jake : I thought she hated my guts.

  The Geek : Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.

• Jake : Do you know Samantha Baker?

  Rock : Sophomore, right?

  Jake : Yeah, what do you think of her?

  Rock : I don't.

• Caroline : [At the dance, about to go to Jake's house]  God, I love it when your parents are out of town. I fantasize that I'm your wife and we're the richest, most popular adults in town. I owe all my great weekends to you.

  Caroline : [She pauses, upset that Jake isn't excited]  What's your problem?

  Jake : What?

  Caroline : You've been acting weird all night. Are you screwing around?

  Jake : Me? Are you crazy?

  Caroline : I don't know, Jake. I'm getting strange signals.

  Jake : Well, they're not comin' from me. Everything's fine. Don't have a cow.

  Caroline : Okay. Just remember one thing. I can name a hundred guys who'd kill to love me.

  Jake : Is that a threat?

  Caroline : It's a fact, Jake.