Detective School Dropouts (1986)

David Landsberg: Donald Wilson

Quotes 

• Paul Miller : You were born to be a detective!

  Donald Wilson : I was?

  Paul Miller : You reek of detective!

  Donald Wilson : I reek?

• Donald Wilson : [Donald enters the office]  Hi!

  Carlotta : Up yours!

• Paul Miller : [on the night of Donald's first class]  You all hear me out there?

  [Donald looks around to know he is the only one in the office] 

  Paul Miller : I was hoping for a bigger turnout, but I don't think we can wait much longer, so why don't we get started? Now, before we get into the nuts and bolts of being a detective, we shall have the traditional payment of tuition. The first week comes to exactly $174.25.

  [Donald gets out his checkbook and starts writing one out] 

  Paul Miller : Make that check payable to the Department of Water and Power.

  [Donald looks up confused] 

  Paul Miller : We do that for tax reasons. While you're doing that, Miss Wembley will serve the complementary horderves. Carefully, Miss Wembley.

  [Carlotta goes over to the cabinet and takes out a paper plate with a single Ritz cracker topped with peanut butter and offers it to Donald] 

  Donald Wilson : No, thank you. I don't really like peanut butter.

  [she takes it off the plate and forces it near his face] 

  Carlotta : [firmly]  Eat it.

  Donald Wilson : Maybe just one.

  [takes it] 

  Donald Wilson : Thank you.

  [he puts into his mouth and starts eating it] 

  Donald Wilson : [to Paul]  You got a drink?

  Paul Miller : I got half a beer or a Coke.

  Donald Wilson : Coke, please.

  [Carlotta hands him a can of Coke] 

  Donald Wilson : Thank you.

  [he pulls the top of the can and starts drinking] 

  Carlotta : That's $4.00.

  [Donald begins choking] 

• Paul Miller : [after they elude Bruno, they park their car outside Rome]  All right, we lost them. How much money have you got?

  Donald Wilson : What?

  Paul Miller : How much money have you got?

  Donald Wilson : I don't believe you. A man dies in my arms in a toilet, I have no passport, we're driving a stolen car, you want to know how much money I have?

  Paul Miller : Yeah!

  Donald Wilson : You're amazing.

  [notices in horror he lost his wallet in the chaos] 

  Donald Wilson : Oh my god, I lost my wallet.

  Paul Miller : What? You lost all our money?

  Donald Wilson : OUR money?

  [starts to walk away] 

  Donald Wilson : I'm going to the police.

  Paul Miller : You can't go to the police. You go to the police, you'll spend two years in jail before they even talk to you.

  Donald Wilson : Why? I didn't do anything!

  Paul Miller : Go ahead, just tell them that. Tell them that. They're still mad at us for all the gum and babies we left here after the war. Let's go back to New York.

  [walks back towards the car] 

  Donald Wilson : Wait a minute. You're on a case. You can't leave. We're partners.

  Paul Miller : Look, Donald, you're a nice guy, but people are shooting at you. Can't you see that? And they might miss you and hit me.

  [slaps him on the face] 

  Paul Miller : So long, Donald. You want the stolen car?

  Donald Wilson : No!

  Paul Miller : I didn't think so.

  [gets into the car and starts the engine] 

  Paul Miller : By the way, nobody here speaks English.