Real Men (1987)

John Ritter: Bob Wilson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bob : I didn't know you smoked.

  Nick : Just after sex, Bob. I'm trying to give it up.

  Bob : Well, at least you don't smoke that much.

  Nick : About a pack a day.

  Bob : That'll kill ya!

  Nick : Bob, it won't kill ya. But it will make you very sore.

• Nick : You've got a sense of humor Bob... I like that in a man.

  Bob : What do you like in a woman?

  Nick : Big tits.

• Nick : [Nick meets Bob for the first time, after having surprised him while hiding in Bob's garage]  That was good. That thing with the cabinets? It was terrific... Nick Pirandello, CIA. And you're Bob Wilson, right? You know, while I was looking around for something to work with - I hope you don't mind me using some of your stuff - anyway, I came across the letters you wrote to your wife before you were married. You're beautiful, Bob. Some of the sentiments blew me away. One question, though: what was that thing that she did in Santa Barbara... that you keep pleading with her to do again? Bet it felt pretty good, huh, Bob?

  Bob : [Annoyed]  What do you want?

• Bob : Who Are Those Clowns?

• Nick : Is my presence here upsetting you, Bob?

  Bob : Hell no!

  Nick : You sure?

  Bob : [Sarcastically]  You kidding? Welcome. Nice to see you.

  Nick : Yeah? Maybe if I let you hold the gun...

  Nick : [Nick holds up his revolver]  ... you'd feel more comfortable.

  Bob : [Reluctant]  Oh, I don't know. Maybe.

  Nick : Well, why don't you try?

  Bob : Really?

  Nick : Yeah.

  Bob : Thank you.

  Nick : There you go. You're welcome.

  Nick : [Nick gives Bob the revolver, then turns and walks away. Bob wildly attempts to shoot Nick in the back with the revolver, only to discover that it isn't loaded]  You don't have to test it, Bob. The gun is empty.

  Bob : Really?

  Nick : [Pulls out a large semiautomatic pistol]  THIS one's loaded. You want to be careful with this one, Bob.

• Bob : What are they trying to do?

  Nick : They're trying to kill me. They know I can't afford a loss like that.

• Nick : [shaking milk container he just took from fridge in Bob's Neighbor's house]  Oh, my God! It's only a third full!

  Bob : What's wrong?

  Nick : Gotta be at least three days old, Bob.

  Bob : So ?

  Nick : Well, when I went over to your house, in your refrigerator, I had some of the FRESHEST cottage cheese I ever tasted! And all your milk containers were full.

  Bob : So what !

  Nick : Jesus, Bob, don't you see? The milkman is making extra stops at your house ! Your wife is home, alone, all day, by herself...

  [Bob takes a punch at Nick, who blocks and punches him in the face, then pins him on top of the kitchen table] 

  Nick : Bob, c'mon, I know what you're thinking, I know how you're feeling, I know what's going through your mind, Bob. He's got her in all different kinds of positions, she's telling him about your sexual inadequacies, they're laughing their heads off about it... aw, he's chasing your wife, through your house, with your shorts on his head... I know, Bob. I've been through that...

  Bob : Your wife did that to you?

  Nick : No, I'm not married, I went through it on the other side. But it's the same thing!

• Nick : We're as safe here as we are anywhere.

  Bob : How safe is that?

  Nick : Oh, not very.

• Bob : They're gonna shoot at us, aren't they?

  Nick : Probably, Bob. It's what they brought the guns for.

• Bob : You're kidding! What idiots think up something like that?

  Nick : I dunno Bob, I think there's a special department of idiots in the White House who do that.

• Bob : Alright, I'm willing to listen...

  Nick : That's great, Bob.

  Bob : Okay, what is it ?

  Nick : We have been negotiating with men in UFOs for seven years. If we don't get to Washington by Friday, the whole deal will be off.

  Bob : Drive me home.

  Nick : Bob, you said you were willing to listen !

  Bob : Negotiating with UFOs ?

  Nick : Yes! Space men ! Men from outer space ! Alien beings! ufoes!

  Bob : We've been negotiating with men from outer space for seven years!

  Nick : That's right! C'mon now, you've heard about it.

  Bob : There are no UFOs !

  Nick : Bob, that's what they tell the general public! You're right. How're you supposed to know? I mean, they've been lying to you for so many years, you don't know what to believe.

  Bob : What are you talking about ?

  [Nick whips a pen out of his jacket pocket] 

  Bob : What is that?

  Nick : Read the inscription. Go ahead!

  Bob : "To Nick, from his friends far away."

  Nick : They gave it to me. the ufoes.

  Bob : This is your proof?

  Nick : Read it and weep ! C'mon!

  Bob : From his friends far away ?

  Nick : YES!

  Bob : Take me home.

  Nick : You're one hell of a skeptic, aren't you, Bob ? Alright, you want proof ?

  Bob : I want proof.

  Nick : I'll give you proof.

  [Nick pulls tin can, baseball, and hammer from trunk of car, puts the ball on the tin can, and hammers the pen through the baseball. He picks up a piece of cardboard and scribbles on it with the pen, then triumphantly shows it to Bob] 

  Nick : Can we go now?

  Bob : What is that, the inner workings of your mind?

  Nick : You saw it, I hammered it through the baseball and the outer space pen still writes!

  Bob : I saw that in a commercial on television. they sell pens over the phone that can do that.

  Nick : Alright, alright. There's ONE thing that the pen does do. You willing to watch? Now watch. Pay attention!

  [tosses ball in the air, where it hangs. it starts rotating, the pen opens up and displays colored lights. The ball starts spinning, faster and faster, and then zooms into the sky out of sight] 

  Nick : Can the pen on TV do that, Bob?

  Bob : wh... wha...

  Nick : It's a homing pen. It goes right back to their galaxy. Eh, they probably think I'm in trouble or something. I hope they don't think I didn't like the pen!

  Bob : You can't get it back?

  Nick : Oh no, that's it. Only one I had. Eh, boy, hate to lose a memento like that. Real collectors item, a pen like that, Bob.

  Bob : And you just threw it into outer space ?

  Nick : Bob, you were demanding proof ! I had to give you proof !

• Nick : I'm gonna check the back...

  Nick : You want the good news first, or the bad news?

  Bob : Gimme the bad news.

  Nick : There's no way out of here alive.

  Bob : What's the GOOD news ?

  Nick : It doesn't look like we're going to be here for long.

• Bob : They're destroying my ducks!

• Bob : Who's shooting at us ?

  Nick : The Russians.

  Bob : The Russians ?

  Nick : Yeah.

  Bob : What do they want?

  Nick : The map. They'd kill just to get a chance to talk to the ufoes.

  Bob : So I noticed.

  Nick : [More gunfire]  Oh, yeah, definitely gonna be a tough one. Hey Bob, you got any special skills? Is there anything you're good at? You know, like anything you won an award for?

  Bob : Well, I was an alternate on the debating team in high school.

  Nick : You want to go out there and argue with them, Bob?

  Bob : eh...

• Nick : Now Bob, It'd be easy for me to lie to ya, and tell you we're not on a dangerous mission...

  Bob : [hoarsely grunting]  ye... yeah.

  Nick : You sound terrible! Where'd he hit ya? Looks like your Adam's apple... God, I hope he didn't knock it loose... If it's floatin' around in there, it could fold over at any time and choke you to death. Terrible way to go, Bob. It feel like he hit you pretty hard?

  Bob : [whispering]  Pretty hard.

  Nick : Lemme see.

  [Thunks Bob's Adam's apple twice with his finger] 

  Nick : I dunno, uh... I'm no doctor, Bob, but it SOUNDS loose to me. Put your fingers over it like this for the next couple days, don't talk and don't breathe any more than you have to. And you'll be fine. Now, come on. But be careful! There could be more of them out there...

• Bob : Stupid son of a bitch, walking around dressed like that, just asking to be shot !

• Nick : I wouldn't be out of line if I asked you if you needed a little help?

  Bob : Hell no, I could use your help...

  Nick : Yeah? Well, there is one thing... You never want to carry your weapon like this. You always want to put it on the other side, with the butt out. So if they shoot off your right arm, you can always grab it with your left.

  Bob : Yeah, that IS a big help! Well, should we go in there and take care of the situation?

  Nick : Hey,

  [slaps Bob on shoulder] 

  Nick : Anything you say, partner. One thing though...

  [Hands Bob another gun] 

  Nick : I think it'd be a good idea... if you had a loaded weapon.

  Bob : That'd be nice.

  Nick : Yeah, in case they shoot at ya.