Three Men and a Baby (1987)

Steve Guttenberg: Michael Kellam

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Quotes 

• Michael Kellam : [singing]  Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye.

• Peter Mitchell : [reading a review of a boxing match in a hushed, storytelling way]  The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook...

  Michael Kellam : What are you reading her?

  Peter Mitchell : [responding to Michael in same tone]  It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?

• Michael Kellam : How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?

  Peter : Beats the shit out of me.

• [Michael and Peter are changing Mary's diaper] 

  Michael Kellam : Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?

• Jack Holden : Somebody leaves a baby at the door and you automatically assume it's mine? The baby doesn't look anything like me! I'm bigger... and I've got more hair!

  Peter : [reads note that came with Mary]  "Dear Jack, here is our baby. I'm sorry I can't handle this right now..."

  Jack Holden : [snatches note from Peter and reads]  S-S-Sylvia?... Stratford! A year and a half... a year and a half ago. I did 'Taming of the Shrew'; she was the Shrew! I did some of my best work in that one... got great reviews!

  Michael Kellam : Jack, you're such a jerk. You're always thinking of yourself! I wanna kill you...

  Peter : [holds Michael back]  Don't worry, Michael, you won't have to. Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary.

  Jack Holden : But... uh... what am I supposed to do with it?

  Peter : We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid. And now, it's your turn.

  Jack Holden : Okay... okay... I'm an actor. I can do a father. Shouldn't be that hard.

  Michael Kellam : Goodnight, Jack.

  Jack Holden : [as Mary begins to cry]  Wait, what's wrong with her?

  Peter , Michael Kellam : [walking back to bed]  Goodnight, Jack.

• Michael Kellam : She did a doodle; your turn to change her.

  Peter : I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.

• Peter : All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.

  Michael Kellam : I don't know what babies eat.

  Peter : Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat?

  Michael Kellam : I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember!

• Peter Mitchell : Where'd you put the baby powder?

  Michael Kellam : Down the hall, I'll get it.

  Peter Mitchell : What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.

  Michael Kellam : It's just down the hall!

  Peter Mitchell : Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?

  Michael Kellam : Well, maybe we should START, goddammit!

  [Slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere] 

  Peter Mitchell : You're going to clean that up.

• Peter Mitchell : Look at this.

  [Peter hands Jack a news clipping] 

  Peter Mitchell : This is your friend Paul Milner! 'Don't let this happen to you!'

  Jack Holden : 'Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging'... they're trying to intimidate us, I hate that!

  Peter Mitchell : I've had enough of this doo-doo!

  Michael Kellam : I want to FINISH this, okay?

• Peter : Feel her teeth.

  Michael Kellam : What?

  Peter : The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.

  Michael Kellam : I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!

  [Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth] 

  Peter : I can't feel anything.

  Michael Kellam : What does that mean?

  Peter : It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!

  Michael Kellam : Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?

• Michael Kellam : Whoa, these diapers are way too big!

  Peter : They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better if you ask me.

• Michael Kellam : There's been shit all over the place!

  Vince : You mean the package burst?

  Michael Kellam : [Thinking they meant the baby]  Well yes, I guess you could say that.

  Vince : Well did you put the shit back?

  Michael Kellam : No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did with it?

• Sgt. Malkowitz : Feels as though she's ready for a change.

  Michael Kellam : I'll do it.

  Peter Mitchell : Babies. All they do is eat, sleep and poop.

• Michael Kellam : Where the hell have you been? This baby hasn't stopped crying! And she did a doodle.

  Peter Mitchell : A doodle? What's that...? Oh, forget it. I don't want to know.

  Michael Kellam : Well you're gonna know, Pal, 'cause she did it.

• Michael Kellam : [Finding a baby on their doorstep]  That's a baby.

  Peter Mitchell : I know it's a baby. What is it doing there?

  Michael Kellam : It's sleeping.

• Michael Kellam : [to the baby as she's crying]  You could drive a man to drink!

• Mrs. Hathaway : I love kids. Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count.

  Michael Kellam : Some guys have all the luck.

• Peter : Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over and it's... It's sticky and... We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get this off.

  Michael Kellam : How about after shave?

• Peter Mitchell : How old is the baby?

  Michael Kellam : I dunno, you want me to check her driver's license?

• Michael Kellam : See this? This is a hairy chest. You want one of these?