The Kids in the Hall (1988–2021)

Bruce McCulloch: Various Characters, Various, Self, The Beaver

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Mr. B : An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full, but I might have bowel cancer."

• Construction Worker : The only thing worse than not having a job is looking for one.

• Reporter : Tammy, what's your stand on abortion?

  Tammy : Never on the first date.

• Mark : [Mark and Scott dressed as cowboys walk into a bar]  Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

  Scott : Yeeeeeeeeep.

  [Scott reaches into his vest and pulls out a wad of cash] 

  Mark : Ladies and gentlemen!

  [singing] 

  Mark : He's gonna give away a thousand dollars! Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars?

  [shuffling toward people and pointing at them] 

  Mark : Could be you or it could be you 'cause... Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? He's gonna give away a thousand dollars!

  Scott : [Scott moves towards Bruce, who is seated at a table and points at him]  Yep!

  Mark : [singing once again]  You're gonna get a thousand dollars!

  [Scott gives Bruce the cash] 

  Mark : He just gave you a thousand dollars! Count it up!

  Bruce : Thanks!

  Mark : Yep. Yep. Yep.

  Scott : [Scott reaches into his vest once again, but this time pulls out his fist, clenched] 

  Mark : [singing]  Someone's gonna get a punch in the head! Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?

• Fran : Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o'clock in the morning.

  Gordon : It's that salty bloody ham!

  Fran : The ham we had at dinner?

  Gordon : Yes! Was there another ham?

  Fran : You didn't like it...

  Gordon : No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks.

  Fran : Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down.

  Gordon : I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine!

  Fran : I don't know what could have gone wrong...

  Gordon : Well, SOMETHING did!

  Fran : I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham.

  Gordon : Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps?

• Bruce : I look at Ms. Manythroats and it's like, "Who would fuck you?" She should be bisexual. It would increase her chances.

• Bruce : I don't think we look alike. For one thing, I'm not a big fat bald guy.

  Big fat bald guy : Well, not yet.

• Cathy : No! He's not Gay! He explained it to me: he has sex with men from time to time to remind himself why he doesn't like it.

• Bruce : The moon is bright... over Lebanon tonight, the Lebanese moon looks down, shim sham shacam, cattle explode, cow shrapnel drips off tree into mother's tear for little boy who goes on into battle and comes back dead, or worse, a *man*.

• Gavin : My mom says that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance marathon.

• Restaurant Manager : [a customer has been waiting to get his bill for fifteen minutes]  What do you want, sir?

  Customer : I want what I have been waiting for, for nine hours! My bill! I'M NOT A FRUITCAKE! I'm a Nutty Bunny...

• Kevin : Give me some change for the phone.

  Bruce : No, frankly I'm sick of you nickel and diming me to death

  Kevin : What?

  Bruce : A dollar here, a dollar there, it adds up you know!

  Kevin : Our dad just died!

  Bruce : So maybe we should split the cost of the call.

• Bruce : Don't sleep, you won't need that where you're going! Let Alcohol be the Wind Beneath your Wings...

• Sir Simon Milligan : May I assume your last boyfriend was a bastard?

  Helen Bathgate : Yes

  Sir Simon Milligan : Well, then, tell me about him.

  Helen Bathgate : He had a Cabbage for a head!

• Cool New Mom : One day, you'll look back on this as the best time of your life.

  Grieving Child : I sure hope not!

• Cool Substitute Teacher : But I'm just a man, I'm human!

  Class : Yeah!

  Cool Substitute Teacher : I've smoked pot!

  Class : Yeah!

  Cool Substitute Teacher : I've tried Heroine!

  Class : [uncertain]  Yeah!

  Cool Substitute Teacher : A few times, yes, and you know, what I'm really, really trying to do now... is cut down on the number of times I... try heroine... in a day! You know what? I'm going to get under my desk for a while. You all listen to this Rock Music. Did you know Rock Lyrics are just poetry set to Music? It's valid! Cathy, I want to talk to you for a moment, it may be related to your grades...

  Cathy : Well, if it's about my grades...

  Kevin : This is bullshit, Theo!

  Cool Substitute Teacher : Yeah, shut up.

• Wife : Do you like the Ham?

  Bruce : Yeah, Mom, it's fucking good!

  Wife : Oh, well you know what I do to make it so fu-fu-fu. He said the F-word! Six pounds four ounces, now he says the F-word at the Dinner Table!

  Husband : Watch it, son!

  Bruce : Why? I can use my own words, think my own thoughts! You want this to be like... Tianneman Square?

  Husband : I see what this is about. You think you can take on your old man, huh?

  Bruce : Oh come on! Look at it, it's juicy, it's flavourful, it's the God's honest truth that's effing good ham!

• Cabbage for a Head : When I was a kid I ordered some Sea Monkeys, to love me, but they never arrived!

  Fine Fox : So?

  Cabbage for a Head : Therefore I had a bad childhood!

  [points to his Cabbage Head] 

  Cabbage for a Head : Comprenez Vous?

  Fine Fox : Who didn't! That's how childhoods work.

• Judge : Just because your name is Mr District Attorney, does not mean this is the only position you can hold!

  District Attorney : My name isn't Mr District Attorney, people call me that because I'm the District Attorney!

  Judge : Then you should find it easier to put this career mistake behind you!

• District Attorney : Did it occur to you that the defendant might have been lying?

  Judge : Maybe I'm not as cynical as you are. Anyone here Guilty? Fine, everyone is Not Guilty, everyone is free to go. Stop kicking the bench, you big baby!

• Defendant : The jury! It's made up entirely of my ex-girlfriends.

  Lawyer : Oh God.

  Defendant : I mean, when they were selected, didn't you think to ask them "Were you ever fucked over by the Accused"?

  Lawyer : No, how could I know?

  Judge : All rise. The Accused is charged with being an asshole on more than one occasion. How do you plead?

  Lawyer : Guilty, your Honour.

  Defendant : But with various good excuses. No, really!

• Bruce : [haircut small talk]  He had a big Bullum head!

• Bruce : He did have a Bullum head! I seen it!

• Kevin : [Hospital]  Okay, lets read your book then.

  Bruce : I keep telling you! It's not a book! It's a suicide note! It's a cry for help!

• Bruce : You're becoming a Man, my Son. So, in accordance with McCulloch Family Tradition, I've brought you out to the Ol' Rock where you're gonna watch your Old Man get pathetically drunk.

  Bruce : [Downs a bottle of Jack Daniels] 

  Bruce : Happy Birthday, Son! Broke my hand on a Pineapple! Didn't even care. See, ten dollars is ten dollars. And twenty dollars is twenty dollars. But thirty dollars? If you're going to do Acid, wait an Hour before you go swimming. MR BUS DRIVER! Everybody's got a Job to Do, Everybody's gotta move and groove. I want to peruse your report card! Arrroooo! This here is where my Daddy puked.

  Bruce : [Dancing] 

  Bruce : A hoopa-hoopa-hoopa but never a Chicka-chicka-chicka. And so they packed up the truck... and moved to Beverley. Okay, leave me now!

• Shona : Better yet let us kill him!

  Ozone : Yes! NO! Let us not forget why we are here! To free George the Baboon from the tyranny of the Shampoo and Lipstick Overlords! Alive! Ho!

  [They run in and out] 

  Shona : Did you see the size of his ass? A Baboon is like all ass!

  Ozone : Can you not see his striped ass as the American Flag?

  Shona : Then I would want to burn it!

  Ozone : Then I shall go alone, as I did unto SeaWorld.

  [Runs in and out] 

  Ozone : He was playing with himself.

  Shona : Isn't that just like a man! Look, that cat is overfed! Let us free it and put it on a diet.

• Gavin : If you lose a finger on your Hand-Shaking Hand, you can never meet someone new!

• Gavin : My Mom died, so my Dad bought me a hamster, and I called it "Mom", and it died...

• Bruce : Turns out we're not Nutty Bunnies, we're just a bunch of College Guys...

• Aunt : Gavin, here's a Casserole.

  Gavin : Why, because you can't communicate with me because my Mom's Dead?

  Aunt : Something like that...

• Mormon : What was that?

  Gavin : A Human Hangover.

• Bruce : Remember, No-one understands you.

• Bruce : And then get a TV Show! That would be my only advice...