The Kids in the Hall (1988–2021)

Scott Thompson: Various Characters, Various, Buddy Cole, H.R.H. Queen Elizabeth II, Self

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Quotes 

• Guy : You smell that? That's the smell of spring, and I love it. You know what I love to do in spring? I love to come out into the woods, to walk amongst the budding trees, to smell and taste the hint of renewal that hovers in the air like a heady perfume, and to listen to the song of the birds who have returned from their long sojourn south. And bury the people I killed during the winter.

• Guy : Hello? I want you to tell me where a shoe store is because I want to look for a pair of shoes and buy 'em.

  Shopkeeper : I'm sorry. I'd love to be of assistance to you, but I'm afraid I speak no English. Allow me to reiterate, I speak no English. Perhaps this will wash the confusion from your face, my friend. My apparent fluency is the result of constant repetition. As you can imagine, I have been through this speech many times before, in fact, I could repeat it for you in any one of seven different languages. Yet oddly enough , I've never learned to speak it in my own, which is fine since over the years I have forgotten how to speak my own language.

• Scott : Hi there, I'm Scott Thompson, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, I'm the fag.

• Buddy Cole : People make fun of me because I lisp. Really! Such a fuss over a few extra S's!

• Manny Coon : I was born in a brothel in a town which now no longer exists. When I was born, my mother mistook the afterbirth as my twin. And the cuter one, too, apparently, as I was immediately sold to the cleaning woman for a stamp. The cleaning woman, who went by the name of Magda, lived out at the edge of town in an abandoned freezer with a bum named Lucky. Magda and Lucky used to fight over whose turn it was to beat me. So to distract myself from the misery of my surroundings, I began to draw. And I drew whatever I could get my hands on - flattened Kleenex boxes, tin cans, fruit... but nothing fresh. I never had a piece of fresh fruit until I was twenty-one, and it was a lime. I still take the existence of peaches on hearsay. I was kicked out of the freezer when I reached puberty, so I hit the open road in search of fame and fortune. For the next ten years I wandered, sorta like that German Shepherd, Hobo, except I don't lick strangers' faces unless I'm fucking them.

• Mark : [Mark and Scott dressed as cowboys walk into a bar]  Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

  Scott : Yeeeeeeeeep.

  [Scott reaches into his vest and pulls out a wad of cash] 

  Mark : Ladies and gentlemen!

  [singing] 

  Mark : He's gonna give away a thousand dollars! Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars?

  [shuffling toward people and pointing at them] 

  Mark : Could be you or it could be you 'cause... Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? He's gonna give away a thousand dollars!

  Scott : [Scott moves towards Bruce, who is seated at a table and points at him]  Yep!

  Mark : [singing once again]  You're gonna get a thousand dollars!

  [Scott gives Bruce the cash] 

  Mark : He just gave you a thousand dollars! Count it up!

  Bruce : Thanks!

  Mark : Yep. Yep. Yep.

  Scott : [Scott reaches into his vest once again, but this time pulls out his fist, clenched] 

  Mark : [singing]  Someone's gonna get a punch in the head! Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?

• Buddy Cole : What are the odds? I can't believe it. Here I am, stranded on a desert island. And my only supplies are my favorite book - "All About Rhoda" by Peggy Hertz from Scholastic Press. And my favorite album - Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams: "That's What Friends Are For." I always like to have an ex-lover's music around; Denise is good, too. And, for companionship, the one and only Oscar Wilde. Oscar, say something funny.

  Oscar Wilde : Shall I?

  Buddy Cole : Yes, do your stuff. Do the "Wilde" thing.

  Oscar Wilde : Well, Buddy, I recall as I laid dying in my death bed, I came out of my stupor momentarily and declared with perfect aplomb, "Either that wallpaper goes or I do!"

  [laughs] 

  Buddy Cole : Oh, that was rich, Oscar! Oh, jeez, let me catch my breath for a second. Oh, oh, I am so glad that I brought you and not someone common.

  Oscar Wilde : Message received, Buddy. You know, Buddy, the trouble with the common man...

  Buddy Cole : Yes?

  Oscar Wilde : ...is that he is so unbearably common!

  [laughs] 

  Buddy Cole : Oh Oscar, funny, but you're such a snob.

  Oscar Wilde : Oh, that's my charm.

  Buddy Cole : Oh, oh, it's really too bad that you're dead.

  Oscar Wilde : Oh, I know.

  Buddy Cole : Does it bother you?

  Oscar Wilde : Well, you know Buddy, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

  [laughs] 

  Oscar Wilde : What? Philadelphia!

  Buddy Cole : That's funny, but W.C. Fields said it.

  Oscar Wilde : Well, yes, if you had been listening to me correctly, Buddy, what you would have heard me say was, "I may have been born yesterday but I still went shopping."

  Buddy Cole : That was me.

  Oscar Wilde : Oh, yes, yes.

  [Coughs] 

  Oscar Wilde : Well, I seem to be getting a bit of laryngitis, Buddy. I'm afraid there'll be no more quipping today.

  Buddy Cole : Oscar, please, stop with the laryngitis nonsense. You're pathetic. You would have never lasted on television. I'll bet what you really said on your death bed was something more like, "Shit!"

• Fran : Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o'clock in the morning.

  Gordon : It's that salty bloody ham!

  Fran : The ham we had at dinner?

  Gordon : Yes! Was there another ham?

  Fran : You didn't like it...

  Gordon : No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks.

  Fran : Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down.

  Gordon : I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine!

  Fran : I don't know what could have gone wrong...

  Gordon : Well, SOMETHING did!

  Fran : I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham.

  Gordon : Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps?

• Silvee : What's wrong, my Michelle?

  Michelle : Oh, Silvee, I can't stop thinking about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he'll ever return someday.

  Silvee : Oh, Michelle.

  Michelle : Hmmm?

  Silvee : You have to stop lying awake wondering about Tony, wondering where he is, who he could be with, what he's thinking, if he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return one day.

  Michelle : Oh.

  Silvee , Michelle : [Man enters]  What?

  Man : Upstairs we are having a fabulous party, but we've run out of wine. So I am forced to borrow a bottle of yours. My God, it stinks in here! It stinks of stupid women wondering about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he's thinking, whether he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return someday.

• Buddy Cole : Show business is full of actors, singers, dancers, models. And then there's me: Actor, singer, dancer, model... Canadian.

• Brad : Every time I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leafs game, gets me pissed, and then tries to blow me. Why can't people like me for me?

• One Night Stand : No, that could never happen. You're a liar. Men are such liars.

  Boss : Alright, I'm a liar, I'll dial his number, you say "Goodnight!" and see what happens.

  [Phone Rings, he hands it over] 

  Boss : Just say "Goodnight!"

  One Night Stand : Goodnight! Ha-ha-ha!

  Boss : What happened?

  One Night Stand : He hung up! I guess you were right!

  Boss : Ha-ha-ha!

  One Night Stand : [Suddenly serious]  I find a sense of humour so sexy!

  Boss : I find you... so funny.

  [Leans in, and they both fall asleep] 

• Scott : [punched out by his lover]  Wow. Maybe girls weren't such a bad idea.

• Cool New Mom : One day, you'll look back on this as the best time of your life.

  Grieving Child : I sure hope not!

• Scott : And surely everyone can see this as a burlesque of contemporary values as I lay your wife on the Dining Room Table and take her in a way you would never dare to try!

  Wife : He couldn't, he was impotent!

  Scott : You're next pal. I want you in me!

  Dave : Sorry, no can do. Though I'd love to. Oh, sure I experimented with homosexuality in College, I mean, who didn't? And I drank human blood. There, I said it and I feel better having said it!

• Boss : [VO]  I miss my old Bean Bag Chair. Old Beanie.

  [Out loud] 

  Boss : Hey do you miss Bean Bag Seats?

  One Night Stand : Oh yes, I do, yes, they were so Comfytable.

  Boss : Ha! All right, all right...

• Scott : So I smiled at her, but without using my eyes, like this

  [glazed expression] 

• Scott : Mum? Dad? Doctor? I want my Foreskin back! It's cold! It needs its little blankee!

• Buddy Cole : THAT'S WHEN THE ACID KICKED IN!

• Scott : I had the Pear Dream again! We are lost...

• Running Faggot : Have you tried talking to them?