Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989)

Alan Alda: Lester

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lester : Comedy is tragedy plus time!

• Lester : If you play your cards right, you could have my body.

  Halley Reed : Wouldn't you rather leave it to science?

• Lester : I like mental stimulation.

  Halley Reed : Have you tried shock therapy?

• Lester : I know you don't respect what I do. I understand that. But, you know I got a closet full of Emmys! You realize that, don't you? Alright, okay, you think that's bull shit. Fine. Okay. Fine. I understand.

  Clifford Stern : I don't know. Maybe I could use the money to finish my movie. You know, I do have some debts and things.

  Lester : [into his recorder]  Idea for farce: a poor, eh, a poor loser agrees to do the story of a great man's life and in the process comes to learn deep values.

• Lester : I told you I'm putty in your hands.

  Halley : What am I gonna do with a handful of putty?

• Lester : A bunch of us are getting together to build major studio space for production right here in, you know, the city.

  [Suddenly reaches into his jacket inside pocket and pulls out a portable voice recorder] 

  Lester : In fact - I'm sorry, give me one second...

  [Speaks into recorder] 

  Lester : Idea for series - a wealthy, high-profile builder who's always trying to realize grandiose dreams, a la Donald Trump, to be shot in New York.

• Lester : Look, I'll be frank with you. You're not my first choice. I'm doing this strictly as a favor to Wendy. Because, you haven't worked in a long time. She's embarrassed!

  Clifford Stern : I work! It's just that nobody's paying me.

• Lester : What makes New York such a funny place is that there's so much tension and pain and misery and craziness here. And that's the first part of comedy. But, you got to get some distance from it, you know what I mean? The thing, the thing to remember about comedy is, if it, if it *bends* it's funny, if it breaks, it's not funny. So, you got to get back from the pain. See what I mean?

• Lester : Public television wants to do a documentary on me. You know, follow me around, the way I talk, the way I think, and that kind of thing. So, - it's part of their "Creative Minds" series.

• Lester : I love New York. I was born in that building, right there, behind the guy, the statue, there, the guy in the pedestal. I love New York! It's like thousands of straight lines just lookin' for a punch line, you know.

• Lester : Will you listen to me? I'm offering you my heart and you're squashing it. Come on. When are you going to quit this organization and come work for me?

  Halley Reed : Oh, you'd fire me. I'm much too opinionated.

• Lester : How about this? Why don't you come with me down to Barbados. We'll swim, you know. We'll get some sun.

  Halley Reed : Sorry, I freckle.

• Lester : Think of Oedipus. Oedipus is funny! Oedipus - that's the structure of funny, right there. "Who did this terrible thing to our city? Oh, my God, it was me." That's funny!

• Lester : She's always got a zinger. This vixen! This minx!

• Wendy Stern : We really do have to go. I have to get up at dawn and teach Emily Dickinson to a bunch of upper-middle class crack addicts.

  Halley Reed : One of my favorite poets.

  Clifford Stern : Me too!

  Halley Reed : "Because I could not stop for Death - "

  Clifford Stern : "He kindly stopped for me - " The word "kindly" - right?

  Lester : "The Carriage held but just Ourselves - And Immortality. We slowly drove - He knew no haste, And I had put away, My labor and my leisure too, For His Civility - "