Griff Rhys Jones: Henry Wilt
Quotes
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[Henry bursts into the church, to find the vicar trying to strangle Eva]
Henry Wilt : Now you listen here, if anyone's going to murder my wife, it's going to be me!
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[Flint has found Henry in the graveyard]
Inspector Flint : I bet if we dug up these graves, we'd find a dead body in every one!
Henry Wilt : Well, so would I!
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Inspector Flint : Your wife! Your wife is *dead*!
Henry Wilt : You know what, Inspector, for the first time since I met you, you're in danger of actually being right about something!
[Henry wacks Flint into an open grave with the shovel, and runs off]
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[Henry is looking through the kitchen cupboards]
Henry Wilt : [looking at the dog] Where does she keep the Marmite, Dasher?
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Cranham : Don't tell the bastards nothing!
Henry Wilt : Anything, Cranham! Don't tell the bastards "anything"!
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Dave : [Indicating the students] They look like football hooligans!
Henry Wilt : They *are* football hooligans!
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Henry Wilt : So what am I supposed to have done with the body, then?
[sarcastic]
Henry Wilt : Dissolved it in a huge vat of acid?
Dr. Pittman : Aha!
Henry Wilt : Oh, come on! Do you know how much acid that would take?
Dr. Pittman : Why don't you tell me?
Henry Wilt : No, anybody who'd believe that theory can't have his head screwed on straight!
[Dr Pittman has a noticeable crick in his neck]
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Henry Wilt : In Japan, I'd be made a god.
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Henry Wilt : I couldn't feel inferior to a merchant banker for the same reason I couldn't feel inferior to a 30-watt light bulb. They are both dim and server no discernible function!
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Henry Wilt : You can beat me up if you like - it won't do any good.
Inspector Flint : You're wrong there - It'll do me the power of good!
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[Flint has realised that Henry is innocent of all charges]
Inspector Flint : In that case, *I* am under arrest. I am hereby arresting myself, for conspiring to falsify evidence for the wrongful arrest of a private citizen, misuse of police manpower and resources, and for knowingly obtaining an unlicensed firearm from an illegal source, with intent to murder and maim.
[Hands shotgun to Eva]
Inspector Flint : I am not obliged to say anything, but anything I do say can be noted and used as evidence. If someone would care to call the police, I shall be in the cemetery.
[Flint exits, while Henry joins Eva]
Henry Wilt : He's been under a lot of stress, lately.
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Inspector Flint : [Wilt has just told him what happened to Eva's note] Do you mean to say that the one piece of evidence that could corroborate your story is wrapped round a turd half way to the North Sea?
Henry Wilt : Yes.
Inspector Flint : How tragically inconvenient!
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Henry Wilt : [to a policewoman] Do you think they'll want to do a cast of my face for the Chamber of Horrors?
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Henry Wilt : [face to face with Inspector Flint in the cemetery] You cretinous testicle!
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Inspector Flint : You're inferring we're all thick?
Henry Wilt : No, I'm IMPLYING you're all thick, you're inferring that that is what I'm IMPLYING.
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Sally : I like men with small ones, they try so much harder.
Henry Wilt : You're obsessed with sex.
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[Wilt signed a confession with a false name]
Henry Wilt : [later on] Why didn't I sign my own name? I'd be safely locked up in Broadmoor by now!
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Dr. Pittman : Does this remind you of anything?
Henry Wilt : A Rorsharch inkblot test! That's not what you meant, though, is it? You meant is it reminiscent of some object.
