Shag (1988)

Page Hannah: Luanne

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Quotes 

• Luanne : Come back, they'll see you!

  Carson : What does it matter, Luanne? Your folks obviously know Pudge.

  Luanne : I'm going to tell my parents that Pudge went crazy and that she ran off and we didn't know what to do, so we called the police, and the police tracked her here to Myrtle Beach.

  Carson : Luanne, why don't we just go up there and say "This was our last weekend together, and we didn't feel like going to Fort Sumter and touring goddamn colonial homes. We wanted to go to the beach and meet boys and go to wild parties and dance." I mean why can't we tell them the truth?

• Luanne : [drunk]  I can't feel my teeth!

• Malaina : Don't y'all think she looks just like Mary Pat Montgomery?

  [Luanne and Carson laugh] 

  Pudge : Mary Pat Montgomery's the one who told me about boners.

  Luanne : Ga-rosse!

  Pudge : It isn't a bone at all, it's a muscle. This cousin of hers dated a Clemson Tiger who sprained his in a game, and she had to massage it every night when it got hard because he was in so much pain.

  Luanne : [laughing]  And she always acted so innocent.

• Luanne : Here, you'll wear my momma's hoop skirt.

  Malaina : I know how to win this thing.

  Luanne : Why Melaina! It is bad manners to think about winnin'!

  Malaina : Look Luanne! I'm not goin' to college like some people. And I sure as hell ain't marryin' a damn Ralston. And I ain't gonna die in a parish house in Spartanburg, South Carolina, thank you. Luanne, I'm as pretty as any of those girls in Hollywood. This is my chance! Jimmy Valentine's gonna discover me today, and it ain't gonna be in your mama's hoop skirt!

  Luanne : Would you at least consider wearing my one-piece bathin' suit?

• Carson : Luanne, that was our turnoff!

  Luanne : Oh damn, guess we just have to go to Myrtle Beach!

• Carson : Y'all really think I'm doing the right thing?

  Malaina : [nonchalantly]  Yeah, sure.

  Luanne : Of course, Harley Ralston is a wonderful man from a well rounded family, and I know you're gonna be very happy.

  Malaina : And if you're not, there's always divorce.

  Luanne and Pudge : [disgusted]  Malaina!

• Malaina : Luanne, quick! You run out to Jimmy Valentine's limo and tell him your daddy the senator wants him to sing at the White House and bring him back to the house.

  Luanne : I will do no such thing!

  Malaina : Luanne damnit! You made me lose Miss Sun Queen, but now I'm not gonna lose Jimmy Valentine too, now you owe it to me! And you better get over there quick, or we're never gonna speak to you again, right Pudge?

  Pudge : Right.

• Luanne : I wanna lay down some rules.

  [Pudge sits on the couch] 

  Luanne : I don't want anybody sitting on the furniture.

  [Pudge gets up] 

  Luanne : If you have to sit then just sit on the floor. Also, don't anybody use the telephone.

  Malaina : Oh come on, Luanne!

  Luanne : The house is supposed to be empty, if we run up that phone bill and Daddy sees someone was here, why he'd...

  Carson : What about calling Harley?

  Luanne, Malaina and Pudge : You're not calling Harley!

• Pudge : Carson, you look just like Jackie Kennedy.

  Malaina : I think JFK's a sweet potato.

  Pudge : Oh Malaina he's an old man, eww!

  Malaina : I don't care, I'd have an affair with him outside of marriage.

  Luanne : He's the president, Malaina. It's sacreligious.

• Carson : Okay everybody, How Mature Are You? The night before the prom your steady breaks his leg. Do you A, stay home with him and watch TV all night and let your new prom gown go to waste, or B, drag him to the prom broken leg and all and dance with his best friend?

  Malaina : Well what's the best friend look like?

  Luanne : Malaina! A, sit home and let your new prom gown go to waste.

  Carson : Luanne is mature, okay, question 2, you're at a party and your date offers you an alcoholic drink, do you A, politely refuse and ask for a soft drink?

  Malaina : Or B, get knee walking drunk and let him go to third base.

• Mrs. Clatterback : Don't wear dark lipstick.

  Luanne : Yes ma'am.

  Mrs. Clatterback : Don't stay up too late.

  Luanne : Yes ma'am.

  Mrs. Clatterback : And don't let any of the other girls drive my car!

  Luanne : Yes ma'am!

  Mrs. Clatterback : Other than that, have a good time.

• Luanne : [wakes up and finds the whole house TP'd]  Harley! I think somebody's been here!

• Carson : I love y'all so much, and uh, y'all are going off to college and everything, and you're gonna forget me. I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am.

  [cries] 

  Malaina : She's wrecked her face.

  Luanne : Carson, I swear, I swear on the Bible I will write you every week from college, and so will Pudge, and so will Malaina.

  Malaina : I'm not going to college.

• Luanne : If my daddy finds out about this, we will be on restriction until we are old and gray. Now we can have a good time, but we cannot be wild.

• Luanne : If I'm not engaged by the time I'm twenty, I'm gonna kill myself.

• Luanne : Furthermore, Daddy's bourbon... is strictly off limits. Other than that... why, make yourselves at home.

• Luanne : Damn,damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Every damned thing has to happen when you're in a damned hurry!

• Pudge : Can you imagine marrying anybody so Dullsville? Kill me now.

  Malaina : Do you all think Carson and Harley have pre-marital sex?

  Luanne : Malaina, gross!

  Pudge : Carson told me Harley doesn't see any point in it. They're saving it for their weddin' night.

• Luanne : What do you all think? French Twist or Bubble Flip?

  Pudge : Bubble Flip's much better for shaggin'.

• Luanne : [to Malaina]  Now, what would Scarlett O'Hara think of you doin' "As God is my witness" in a polka-dot bikini? Here, now you wear my Mama's hoop skirt.

• Luanne : [to Carson]  What happened to you?

  Pudge : Did you go all the way?

  Malaina : Oh, my God.

  Luanne : Oh, are you sure? You poor thing, put your feet up, okay.

  Pudge : What did it feel like?

  Luanne : Don't ask her that!

  Malaina : Wait. Did it hurt?

  Luanne : Malaina! You must really love him.

  Carson : I hate him to death.

• Malaina : [in a red polka dot bikini]  I'm as pretty as any of those girls in Hollywood. This is my chance. Jimmy Valentine's gonna discover me today. And it ain't gonna be in your Mama's hoop skirt.

  Luanne : Would you at least consider wearing' my one-piece bathing suit?

• Luanne : You rape-artist!