Men at Work (1990)

Louis : Aww, lookie here. Looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good white boy!

[looks up to a poster of Jack Berger on a street sign]

Louis : And he sure looks a helluva lot like that dude!

Carl : We're screwed!

James : What do you mean, we? You're the one who pulled the trigger, pal!

Louis : What the hell is goin' on?

James : Uh, Louis, Carl seems to know this guy!

Carl : I don't know him at all!

James : What I'm trying to say is, uh, uh, uh, he shot him!

Carl : With a pellet gun!

James : But he thought he hit him in the butt!

Carl : I did him in the butt! Look Louis, I know that I did not kill this man. Last night, this guy was beatin' on his ol' lady. So I took it upon myself to end the dispute.

Louis : So you shot him?

Carl : With a pellet gun!

Louis : So you said.

[Louis stands the body of Berger up out of the barrel]

Louis : Now you said you hit him from your apartment across the way.

Carl : Yeah.

Louis : So how the hell did he end up here?

Carl : Wha, why don't you *ask* him?

James : This is wrong! We should just have gone to the cops and told them what happened!

Carl : Hey listen! You are just as guilty! You were there, that makes you an accomplice!

James : Screw you!

Carl : You are an asshole!

James : And you are a trigger-happy idiot!

Carl : Well, I'm not going to rot in jail alone!

James : Well you're not gonna screw up my life, you son of a bitch!

[James slugs Carl, and both begin to roll on the ground fighting]

Louis : Hey!

[Carl rushes over to break up the fight, dropping Berger's body]

James : You and your stupid pellet gun! Ohhh, waaaaahhh!

Carl : Golf clap?

James : Golf clap.

James : What are you doing?

Carl : I hate shitheads who bully their women.

James : So what are you going to do?

Carl : Shoot him.

James : What?

Carl : It's the principle, James.

James : With a pellet gun? What are you going to accomplish using that stupid thing?

Carl : It allows me to seriously aggravate a situation without actually changing the course of history. It also stings like a bitch.

James : What an absolutely gorgeous day. Warm Sun, beautiful women...

Carl : And the air is just right for drinking!

James : This is the last year we throw trash.

Carl : You said that last year.

James : Yeah, but this year I mean it.

Carl : You meant it last year.

Carl : Seen my gloves, compadre?

James : In the glove compartemente.

[Carl prepares to go across the street to spy on Susan]

Louis : Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Carl : C'mon, guys. I'm not gonna get in over my head.

James : Yeah, well that depends on which head you're talking about.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : [car explodes] That's my car!

Carl : Looks pretty undriveable... Come on!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Ted! Ted, what the hell is going on?

Carl : Uh, I left out a few things about myself...

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : I'm waiting, you son of a bitch!

Carl : First of all, it's Carl! So when you yell for me in a panic, yell Carl, OK?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Someting tells me there's more...

Carl : Last night you and Berger had a fight! You walked away, and the next day Berger was dead!

[Carl spots an alleyway and pulls Susan into it]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : How the hell do you know about that? Uh!

[Susan hits the wall]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : .

Carl : Look, I saw the two of you...

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You were spying on me?

Carl : Well, I wouldn't really consider it spying...

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : [mockingly] Well, what would you really consider it then?

Carl : Let me finish! Lookit, you and Jack had a fight. You ran off, and the next day I found Jack's body in the trash.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Jack's body?

Carl : Somebody killed him, Susan. For a while, I thought it was you.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Wait, Jack cannot be dead, he was at my apartment last night!

Carl : Trust me, Jack is dead!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : No no no, wait, Jack came over all upset because of a tape, and he wanted it, and I went to get the right tape...

[Susan reaches into her jacket pocket and finds the tape]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : This is it! This is it, this is what the crooks are after! Come on, we have to get this to the police!

[slaps Carl]

Carl : Wha, what the hell was that for?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Fo, for lying to me. I hate liars!

[starts to run again]

Carl : Hates liars?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : [Susan runs back to Carl and slaps him again] *THAT's* for spying on me!

[Susan starts to run off again, leaving Carl standing there, confused. Realizing Carl is not running with her, she runs back and grabs his arm. Carl flinches, expecting to be slapped again]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Come on!

Biff : Hold it honey!

[Keeping the gun trained on Carl and Susan, Biff looks over to Mario]

Biff : You listen to me, you Italian son of a bitch, and you listen good! The day you tell me, I don't know shit, and I let you get away with it, is the day *that*

[points to the ocean in the background]

Biff : ocean freezes over!

Mario : That's it, that's it, your history!

[points his tazer at Biff and shoots. Two electrodes land square in Biff's chest, sending thousands of volts of electricity into him]

Biff : Yaaaawwwwwwwwwyyaaaawwwwww, uhhhhhh!

[Biff collapses and passes out from being electrocuted]

Carl : Now!

[Carl and Susan rush into Mario, knocking him over and run towards Susan's car]

James : [Carl tiptoes across the parking lot to spy on Susan. James watches him from their apartment with binoculars] What is he doing?

Carl : [mid-step, stops and looks up] What am I doing?

[Carl and James playing Trivial Pursuit]

Carl : What does a phrenologist feel and interpret?

James : The size of Walt's asshole. A phrenologist feels and interprets the bumps on your head. Skull features.

James : Who was Richard Nixon's chief of staff during the final days of Watergate?

Carl : Oprah Winfrey.

James : Eh, Carl?

Carl : Yeah?

James : What did you mean when you said I was hopeless?

Carl : I meant exactly... what I said.

James : I still don't understand.

Carl : Well, let's examine the word: hope-less. Less than hopeful. That's what you are.

James : Am I majorly hopeless or partially hopeless?

Carl : I'd say, majorly. Why do you ask?

James : I'll try and change.

Carl : No, you won't.

James : Hey Carl!

Carl : What?

James : I think I have a problem over here!

Carl : Hold on, let me think of something.

Carl : Hey James! I didn't think of anything yet.

Carl : [Carl cautiously approaches Susan's door. Susan' opens it, to put the garbage. Carl turns to run, trips over his feet and twists his ankle] Ahhhhhh! Owww!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Ahhhhhhhhh!

Carl : Don't kill me!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : What?

Carl : What? Sorry. I'm fairly new to the building.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : That's funny, I haven't seen you around in the building before...

Carl : Oh, I've been here in the building, for a long time I've been here... in... the building. I'm just new to this... floor. I'm a, uh... fra, franologist.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : What exactly does a franologist do?

Carl : Well, I feel and interpret the size of Walt's asshol...

[he catches himself]

Carl : ... Skull features. I study contours and, and skull features.

[he smiles]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Oh.

Carl : Oh, wow.

[staggers to his feet, his ankle beginning to swell]

Carl : . Not to impose, but if we could go inside, get some ice for this ankle, that'd be great.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Where?

Carl : In, your apartment.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : What's wrong with yours?

Carl : Oh no, no, my ice machine is... broken, and it's such a long way... Are you really going to refuse a man who is in, dire need of... of medical attention?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : [smiles coyly] . No. But I didn't catch your name.

Carl : Oh, I'm Ted Blansky. The 3rd.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Susan Wilkins. The 1st.

Carl : I hate politicians.

Carl : You're a stupid little man, you're a stupid little man!

Louis : I said enough! I said cut it out!

[Carl seperates them, but James still wants to fight, so James tries to kick Carl]

Louis : Hey YO! I said knock it off! Now unless either one of you guys had a rope or a piece of wire and strangled this guy, I'd say you're both in the clear!

James : How the hell would you know?

Louis : [hauls up the body to a standing position] Look. See? You can see the marks whatever was used made around his neck. Pretty nasty job, too.

Carl , James : [Carl and James have just dumped their last load at the city dump]

James : Come on, let's do the nasty.

Carl : Do we have to?

James : Yeah.

Carl , James : [Carl and James are in the back of the garbage truck with surgical masks which cover their noses and mouths. Using push brooms, the clean the truck of remaining liquids and trash]

Carl : Nasty!

James : Nasty!

Carl : Nasty!

James : Nasty!

Carl : Nasstttyyyy!

James : Ugh, So Naaaaassstttyyy!

Carl : [Carl is kneading Susan's head, pretending to be a franalogist and read her contours] Wow. That is deep. That is very, very deep.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Mmmm.

[Susan is enjoying the head massage]

Carl : And that one.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager : Mmmm.

Carl : So is that one.