Problem Child (1990)
John Ritter: Ben Healy
Photos
Quotes
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Junior : I'm sorry, Mr. Healy! Please don't spank me.
Little Ben Healy : Well, I'll have to punish you somehow. I'm taking back your allowance.
Junior : The whole buck?
Little Ben Healy : Yes. Go get it.
Junior : [going through stolen money, thinking to himself] I wonder if he's got change for a 20?
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[Ben and Flo come storming into Mr. Peabody's office while he's talking on the phone]
Mr. Peabody : Can I call you back in five minutes?
[hangs up phone]
Little Ben Healy : He's all yours.
Mr. Peabody : Ben, Flo, can we dicuss this?
Flo Healy : There's nothing to discuss!
Little Ben Healy : We're signing him back over to you right now!
Mr. Peabody : Bad parents make bad children!
Flo Healy : Oh, so now I'm a bad parent just because I hate my kid!
Mr. Peabody : You took him, he's yours!
Little Ben Healy : That's because you conned us into him!
Mr. Peabody : What am I supposed to do with the little creep? He's already been returned 30 times!
Flo Healy : Well, this makes 31, Charlie!
Mr. Peabody : OK, Mr. and Mrs. "We don't care about brown hair and brown eyes. We just want him into our home and let him play with our disgusting cat."!
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Little Ben Healy : [about sending Junior back to the orphanage] But don't you see? We're doing what everybody else has done to him, I mean it's easy to give up on a child.
Flo Healy : Damn straight it is.
Little Ben Healy : But isn't that what's wrong with the world today? People are just looking for the easy way out, like their problems are gonna go away?Problems just don't go, Flo! You know? So the question here is, what are we going to do with our little problem child? I'll tell you what we are going to do. Something that no parent has ever done for him before. We're gonna love him, Flo.
Flo Healy : [looks up at him]
Little Ben Healy : Oh yes, We'll love him when he's bad, we'll love him even more when he gets worse, then one day he's gonna crack and say, "Hey, these people really do love me! They ain't gonna quit on me! I don't have to be bad anymore. What the hey, I can be President of the United States!"
Flo Healy : President of the United States? Are you brain-damaged? Junior is gonna be a convict before he's in third grade!
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Little Ben Healy : I hope I'm not rushing you, dear. We can always let nature take its course.
Flo Healy : Nature screwed us over, let's give commerce a try.
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[Big Ben is about to go on the air for his campaign speech]
Little Ben Healy : OK, I quit as your son!
Big Ben Healy : Good, now get the hell out of here. I've got a goddamn campaign to win.
Little Ben Healy : Oh, your campaign, the one thing you do care about. Hey, Dad, why don't you tell all the voters what you really plan on doing with this town!
[turns on the TV camera]
Big Ben Healy : [not realizing that he's on TV] I don't give a rat's ass for the voters! All I care about is the money, and the power that'll give me the money. That's why I'm a success and you're not! America for the Americans. You believe that nonsense? You're stupider than I thought! I'd sell my soul to the Japanese if they made me an offer. And as for you, don't come suckering around me if you want something! The only thing you'll get from me is this!
[pulls down his pants and moons the camera]
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Little Ben Healy : We've adopted Satan!
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Little Ben Healy : This is nature, huh? The trees. The forest. The smell of the country air.
Junior : [noticing a row of Porta-Potties] The toilets.
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Little Ben Healy : Dad, we adopted.
Big Ben Healy : Are you insane?
Little Ben Healy : I thought you'd be happy.
Big Ben Healy : Happy? You don't know what you're letting yourself in for. For all you know, his parents may have met in the loony bin. They might even be Democrats!
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Big Ben Healy : I'm selling my store to the Japs.
Little Ben Healy : I, I, I, but...
Big Ben Healy : I, I, I, but what? You thought I was going to leave it to you one day?
Little Ben Healy : Yeah.
Big Ben Healy : Well, I'm not. I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation.
Little Ben Healy : Well I still get the land, don't I?
Big Ben Healy : No, you're not. I'm selling that too. Everything from here to the river.
Little Ben Healy : What? Dad, I can't believe this. I slaved for you for 10 years without a raise or a promotion.
Big Ben Healy : Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? How about don't trust anyone?
Little Ben Healy : Not even your own father?
Big Ben Healy : Especially your own father! You know what your problem is? You're too nice. I expected a little backstabbing from you. Some ruthless scrambling to get to the top. But you stubbornly refused to follow my example!
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Junior : [in Roy's station wagon chasing the Bow Tie killer, pulls out a rifle] Neat, look what I found!
Little Ben Healy : Hey that's Roy's, give me that.
Junior : Why? You can't drive and shoot at the same time!
Little Ben Healy : What do we do?
Junior : I've got an idea!
[cut to Junior driving and Ben aiming out the sunroof]
Junior : Shoot out his tires, Dad!
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Little Ben Healy : Nobody messes with the Healys and gets away! C'mon!
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[Phone rings and Ben picks up the receiver]
Little Ben Healy : Hello?
Jim O'Conner : Ben? Jim O'Connor. Are you sitting down?
Little Ben Healy : Yes.
Jim O'Conner : Bad news. Your father cleaned out your bank account to pay for the damage to his store. Nothing can make up for the loss of your life savings...
[Ben drops the phone receiver in shock]
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Little Ben Healy : What is this?
Junior : Oh, that's a picture of our camping trip. There's you holding the pan and there's Roy on the ground.
Little Ben Healy : What are those squiggles over Roy?
Junior : Those aren't squiggles, those are the birdies that fly over someone's head when they get knocked out!
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Little Ben Healy : Remember if we win, we all get ice cream!
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Little Ben Healy : I told you, Roy: I don't care how many runs you score, we're not forfeiting.
Roy : Hey, I don't care about this game. We got this thing won already.
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Little Ben Healy : You know, in real life, people don't get birdies on their head when they get knocked out. They get concussions like Roy did.
Junior : Oh, he'll be all right.
Little Ben Healy : That's not the point, Junior. We live in a society that has rules. Some things are right and some things are... are... are not right.
Junior : Yeah, but he had it coming. Roy only pretends to be your friend. He doesn't like you and his family doesn't like me.
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Little Ben Healy : [to the bear, who he assumes is Roy in costume] Roy, you devil.
[Roy's family is hiding in the Jeep with his kids screaming at the sight of the black bear that has entered the campsite]
Little Ben Healy : [approaches the bear, thinking it's Roy in costume] Roy, you devil. What's the matter, kids? You afraid of a measly little bear? He's not so bad.
Little Ben Healy : [whispering to the bear as it growls] Great. This is great, Roy.
[Junior is up in a tree snickering at his prank, while Roy's family is in the Jeep screaming and the bear is growling at Ben]
Little Ben Healy : Let's see if he's ticklish. Mr Bear ticklish? Coochie-coochie! Coochie...
[the bear growls at Ben as he tries to tickle him and picks him up, Ben realizes the bear is an actual black bear]
Little Ben Healy : [yelling] Roy? Roy! Help! Help! Help!
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Little Ben Healy : [deleted scene, Ben goes out to the porch to confront Junior about the camping trip incident] Now, Junior, I think it's time I laid down the law around here! I don't want to see you near Fuzzball or Polly, until you learn how to treat them! And, more importantly, we need to talk about what happened on our little camping trip.
[notices Junior has painted a picture on a canvas]
Little Ben Healy : What--what is this?
Junior : Oh! That's a picture of out camping trip. That's you holding the frying pan and there's Roy on the ground.
Little Ben Healy : [points at the blue squiggles above Roy's head] What are those squiggles over Roy?
Junior : Those aren't squiggles. Those are the birdies that fly over someone's head, when they get knocked out.
Little Ben Healy : You know, in real life, people don't get birdies on their heads. They get concussions, like Roy did.
Junior : Aw, he'll be all right.
Little Ben Healy : Yeah, but that's not the point, Junior! We live in a society that has rules. Some things are right and some things are--are--are--not right.
Junior : Yeah, well, he had it coming. Roy only pretends to be your friend. He doesn't like you and his family doesn't like me.
Junior : Son, if somebody is treating you badly, you should come and tell me. I'm here to help you.
Junior : Nah, I've always been on my own. Nobody cares about me, but me.
Little Ben Healy : Well, you're not on your own, anymore. Now, you got a family and I always care about what happens to you. Trust me.
[as Ben happily walks off, he notices he tramped on a foil plate of paint and struggles to kick it off, as Junior laughs hysterically]
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Little Ben Healy : [in church, Ben is in the pulpit getting ready to have a talk with the priest] Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Priest : How may I help you, my son?
Little Ben Healy : Well, I--I feel trapped, I feel my life isn't my own. I mean, I'm an adult, why should I do whatever my dad tells me?
Priest : It is a son's duty to obey his father.
Little Ben Healy : But, it's not just that. For instance, our cat made a mistake in Mrs. Perkin's tulips.
Priest : [disgusted] Oh, god, that's disgusting! I hope you've cleaned it up.
Little Ben Healy : And we found out we can't have any children.
Priest : [thoughtfully] Mrs. Perkins. Does she still have those wonderful Tiger tulips?
Little Ben Healy : Father, did you hear--we found out that we can't have a child. I mean, my one hope in life is gone.
Priest : Well, the St. Brutus School for orphans has an adoption service. Please tell them I recommended you. Most of the commission I get goes to charity.
Little Ben Healy : Adoption's out of the question. I mean, I certainly wouldn't mind, but Florence, she--she said she won't take anyone else's children.
Priest : Well, then you must be content with what God has given you!
Little Ben Healy : But, father, what should I do?
Priest : One hundred hail marys and two-hundred our fathers.
Little Ben Healy : But--
[the priest immediately closes his pulpit's window]
