Problem Child (1990)
Michael Oliver: Junior Healy
Photos
Quotes
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Junior : I'm sorry, Mr. Healy! Please don't spank me.
Little Ben Healy : Well, I'll have to punish you somehow. I'm taking back your allowance.
Junior : The whole buck?
Little Ben Healy : Yes. Go get it.
Junior : [going through stolen money, thinking to himself] I wonder if he's got change for a 20?
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Martin Beck : I drove over a thousand miles to hang out with a seven-year-old?
Junior : I'm gonna be eight in two weeks.
Martin Beck : Don't count on it.
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Junior : [seeing his bedroom full of clowns] Oh, my God, they're retarded.
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Junior : [being hauled to St. Brutus after bulldozing his parents' house] I was just kidding! Oh, no! Not the nuns! Not the nuns!
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Little Ben Healy : This is nature, huh? The trees. The forest. The smell of the country air.
Junior : [noticing a row of Porta-Potties] The toilets.
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Junior : Oh, so you wanna play rough, huh?
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[imitating Mr. Peabody]
Junior : Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, maybe people will think I know what I'm talking about.
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Mother Superior : You see, Mr. Peabody, the child is incorrigible.
Junior : I'm what? Why don't you speak English, lady?
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[after he broke several milk bottles]
Junior : I love the smell of spilled milk in the morning. It smells like victory.
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Junior : Why does this guy love me? Why does any parent love any kid? Maybe it's one of those answers we'll never know, like how high is up? Why is the sky blue? And whatever happened to Mrs. Healy?
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Junior : I hope you guys are insured.
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[Junior is scrubbing pots and pans on his birthday]
Mother Superior : Junior! What is taking you so long? We start serving dinner in 20 minutes.
Junior : I only got two hands!
Mother Superior : And I want these pots so shiny that I can see my face in them.
Junior : [Grabs a messy lid] This one kind of looks like you.
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Junior : You ever seen a grown man wear so much blue?
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Junior : [luring a bear to the campsite] I bet you've never been camping before. It's so much fun! There's singing, marshmallows, and all sorts of stupid humans to scare!
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Junior : [voiceover as a woman carries a basket on a stormy night] Nice night to be born. Apparently my birth is not considered a blessed event; that's me in the basket, and that's my mother carrying me.
[Junior's mother puts him on a doorstep, rings the bell, and disappears]
Junior : And that's my mother running away.
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Junior : [in Roy's station wagon chasing the Bow Tie killer, pulls out a rifle] Neat, look what I found!
Little Ben Healy : Hey that's Roy's, give me that.
Junior : Why? You can't drive and shoot at the same time!
Little Ben Healy : What do we do?
Junior : I've got an idea!
[cut to Junior driving and Ben aiming out the sunroof]
Junior : Shoot out his tires, Dad!
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Junior : Some people never learn.
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Little Ben Healy : What is this?
Junior : Oh, that's a picture of our camping trip. There's you holding the pan and there's Roy on the ground.
Little Ben Healy : What are those squiggles over Roy?
Junior : Those aren't squiggles, those are the birdies that fly over someone's head when they get knocked out!
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Junior : [TV Version] I told him to back off, Mr. Healy!
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Junior : Gee, I've never been to the circus before. I'd sure like to try a swizzle dog.
Martin Beck : Yeah, well, I hate circuses. Nothin' worse than a bunch of clowns tryin' to make you laugh.
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Little Ben Healy : You know, in real life, people don't get birdies on their head when they get knocked out. They get concussions like Roy did.
Junior : Oh, he'll be all right.
Little Ben Healy : That's not the point, Junior. We live in a society that has rules. Some things are right and some things are... are... are not right.
Junior : Yeah, but he had it coming. Roy only pretends to be your friend. He doesn't like you and his family doesn't like me.
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Little Ben Healy : [deleted scene, Ben goes out to the porch to confront Junior about the camping trip incident] Now, Junior, I think it's time I laid down the law around here! I don't want to see you near Fuzzball or Polly, until you learn how to treat them! And, more importantly, we need to talk about what happened on our little camping trip.
[notices Junior has painted a picture on a canvas]
Little Ben Healy : What--what is this?
Junior : Oh! That's a picture of out camping trip. That's you holding the frying pan and there's Roy on the ground.
Little Ben Healy : [points at the blue squiggles above Roy's head] What are those squiggles over Roy?
Junior : Those aren't squiggles. Those are the birdies that fly over someone's head, when they get knocked out.
Little Ben Healy : You know, in real life, people don't get birdies on their heads. They get concussions, like Roy did.
Junior : Aw, he'll be all right.
Little Ben Healy : Yeah, but that's not the point, Junior! We live in a society that has rules. Some things are right and some things are--are--are--not right.
Junior : Yeah, well, he had it coming. Roy only pretends to be your friend. He doesn't like you and his family doesn't like me.
Junior : Son, if somebody is treating you badly, you should come and tell me. I'm here to help you.
Junior : Nah, I've always been on my own. Nobody cares about me, but me.
Little Ben Healy : Well, you're not on your own, anymore. Now, you got a family and I always care about what happens to you. Trust me.
[as Ben happily walks off, he notices he tramped on a foil plate of paint and struggles to kick it off, as Junior laughs hysterically]
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Junior : Oh, my gosh, they''re daffy.
