King Ralph (1991)

John Goodman: Ralph Jones

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ralph Jones : There's no problem that can't be ignored if we really put our minds to it.

• Sir Cedric Willingham : It's I who should be thanking you. You showed me how to be a king.

  Ralph Jones : Me? I was a lousy king.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : On the contrary. You are a good and decent man, and you've acted honorably. I shall try to follow your example.

  Ralph Jones : Thank you, Ced.

• Hale : [Ralph has referred to Princess Anna as a 'fox']  I'm glad you find her so. Best wishes in your fox hunting.

  King Gustav : Fox hunting? You like fox hunting, yes.

  Ralph Jones : Well, I don't get out much lately. But I used to go out almost every evening. One club or another.

  King Gustav : Really? That often? You must have collected several tails.

  Ralph Jones : [shocked]  Well, I admit I slept with a few. But I'm not like that anymore. Nowadays you can't be too careful. You don't know who they've been with.

  King Gustav : No, I suppose not.

  Ralph Jones : Yeah, once I got a steady girl, that put an end to it.

  King Gustav : She did not like fox hunting?

  Ralph Jones : Of course not! Anna's not into it, is she?

  King Gustav : Oh, yes! She loves it! Most royals do.

• Sir Cedric Willingham : How's it going, Your Majesty?

  Ralph Jones : Great. We've got nothing in common and she's got a voice like a tuba. If she had her way, we'd have sex on a bed of nails on national television. But at least the party stinks.

• [reciting some rules of etiquette to Ralph on videotape] 

  Phipps : When in public, a royal personage must refrain from chewing gum, using profanity, picking his nose, scratching his p... p... p... p... private parts and staring down the bust lines of visiting female dignitaries.

  Ralph Jones : What the hell! That's everything!

• Sir Cedric Willingham : Your majesty, may I present the Sovereign King Mulamboa of Zambezi.

  Ralph Jones : [seeing that the king is black, using a Eubonics dialect]  Hey, homes! Whas happenin'! Gimme quintet, brother!

  King Mulamboa : I do not comprehend, Your Majesty!

  Ralph Jones : Uh, welcome, Your Majesty. On behalf of the people of the United Kingdom...

  [uncomfortable silence] 

  Ralph Jones : Uh, do you wanna go get a beer?

• Lord Percival Graves : [after Ralph accuses Graves of undermining him]  This is an OUTRAGE! A VILE piece of slander! I demand to know the source of these allegations!

  Ralph Jones : We have the signed confession of a royal page, Gordon Halliwell, who worked with Lord Graves.

  Lord Percival Graves : I know NO SUCH MAN!

  Ralph Jones : And several cheques made out to the photographers who took the pictures, signed by Lord Graves. Whose fingerprints were also on the photographs.

  Lord Percival Graves : So! I saw them at the ball!

  Ralph Jones : And Scotland Yard found the negatives at his house this morning.

  Lord Percival Graves : [realizes he's been caught]  By what right can you order my arrest!

  Ralph Jones : By the Treason Act of 1702 forbidding interference in the proper succesion of a monarch. Enacted by...

  [pause, as he recites the Order of the Kings poem to himself] 

  Ralph Jones : William III!

  various Members of Parliament : [staggered throughout Parliament as Lord Graves is escorted out by Scotland Yard]  SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!

  Dysentery : [watching on TV]  That's right! String him up! Wanker!

• [Cedric is leading Ralph through a portrait gallery] 

  Sir Cedric Willingham : That's George III. You may remember him. He was king during that little temper tantrum you call the Revolutionary War.

  Ralph Jones : Sounds like sour grapes to me, Ced. After all, we did kick your ass.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : The loss is entirely yours, or rather *theirs*, try to remember you're an Englishman now.

  Ralph Jones : Okay, but I still think they kicked *our* ass.

• [Ralph is enjoying himself in the royal bathtub, with the crown on his head] 

  Ralph Jones : Well, Jones, you really fell upstairs this time. Too bad it's only gonna last the rest of your life.

  [Ralph rings the bell. Gordon walks in] 

  Gordon : You called, Your Majesty?

  Ralph Jones : Which one are you again?

  Gordon : Gordon, Your Majesty's page.

  Ralph Jones : Yeah, Gordon. I was just wondering if you could bring me something. Anything.

  Gordon : Anything, Your Majesty?

  Ralph Jones : I've never had anybody bring me something before. I just wanna try it out.

  Gordon : Certainly. Perhaps an assortment of fine chocolates?

  Ralph Jones : Got any Milk Duds?

• Ralph Jones : Do you feel that being the king of a major nation is tougher than you thought?

  King Mulamboa : Yes, it is difficult sometimes, what with the ceremonial duties and official obligations. But I'm quite pleased with the economic progress my country has made. We are hoping to be the first in Africa to market an automobile!

  Ralph Jones : Oh really? I might be in the market myself soon. The Rolls just doesn't have that much "poop". This car gonna have fuel injection?

  King Mulamboa : Oh yes, everything. Five-speed transmission, rack-and-pin steering...

  Ralph Jones : Reclining buckets? Rear spoiler?

  King Mulamboa : No, but it will get excellent gas mileage.

  Ralph Jones : Gas mileage is fine, but keep in mind - the first question every car buyer asks themselves is 'Will this car get me laid?'

  Sir Cedric Willingham : [whispers to Phipps]  Beautifully stated...

• Ralph Jones : Damn, I knew I was getting hosed over here.

• Sir Cedric Willingham : These are a few of our traditional English dishes, some of which will be served tonight. Here, we have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, bangers and mash, and the ever-popular spotted dick.

  Ralph Jones : Spotted dick?

  [Ralph looks at the plate of sausages] 

  Ralph Jones : Dick of what?

  Sir Cedric Willingham : These are the bangers. Sausages.

  [Cedric presents a plate of fruit pudding] 

  Sir Cedric Willingham : The spotted dick is a dessert.

  Ralph Jones : Could I just have some ice cream?

• Sir Cedric Willingham : Quite an eventful first day, Your Majesty. I'll leave you to rest now. This is Your Majesty's bedroom.

  [Ralph and Cedric enter the royal bedroom] 

  Ralph Jones : [gives butler a tip]  There you go, chief.

  [Ralph looks at the bedroom's decorations] 

  Sir Cedric Willingham : Unfortunately, you do have the option to redecorate your private quarters as you see fit.

  Ralph Jones : Good. I got a few ideas.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : We'll put the velours industry on stand-by. Through those doors is your dining room, and across the way, the bath. Through here is your study, and there is your dressing room. Anything we've left out?

  Ralph Jones : I don't know. How about a bowling alley?

  Sir Cedric Willingham : One other thing. At your coronation four months hence, you will be required to wear the imperial state crown. It's usually kept in the Tower of London, but we took the liberty of placing it near your bed as a reminder of the eminence of your office. It contains the Star of India, the second largest diamond in the world. You should practice wearing it to get used to the weight. Good evening, Your Majesty.

  Ralph Jones : Thanks.

  [Cedric proceeds to exit the bedroom] 

  Ralph Jones : Hey Ced.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : Yes?

  Ralph Jones : What exactly is it that a king does all day?

  Sir Cedric Willingham : Scarcely a minute is unaccounted for. Nevertheless, what you do is not as important as what you are.

  Ralph Jones : What am I?

  Sir Cedric Willingham : To be the King of England is a responsibility like no other on Earth. You must become a symbol of all that is best about England. An embodiment of our history, our culture, our morality, our pride of achievement. In short, our ideal of civilization. You must, in the harsh light of public scrutiny, exhibit all of our virtues and none of our shortcomings.

  Ralph Jones : Wait a minute. I thought all I was supposed to do was get dressed up and wave. I don't even know what our virtues are.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : You will learn soon enough. I'm afraid it's a god's burden to bear. Unfortunately, it must be borne by a man. Good evening, Your Majesty.

  [Cedric grabs the dollar bill from the butler before exiting the room] 

• Ralph Jones : How long do you think you're gonna be needing me? I've never held a job for more than six months.

  Phipps : Well, you see, a king is a king for life.

  Ralph Jones : Good, 'cause my schedule's wide open.

• [Ralph is being measured for a suit] 

  Sir Cedric Willingham : Just a few quick questions to probe your knowledge of English history...

  Ralph Jones : Fine.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : When she failed to give him a son, Henry VIII had Anne Boleyn - ?

  Ralph Jones : Look into adoption?

  Sir Cedric Willingham : Beheaded.

  Ralph Jones : Jeez, this is a tough country.

  [a tailor approaches with a bolt of fine black material] 

  Tailor : Would this be to your liking, Your Majesty?

  Ralph Jones : You know, I kind of like that.

  [points at a bolt of pale blue and beige striped material inlaid with an elaborate pattern] 

  Tailor : That's an upholstery fabric, Your Majesty.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : The English people don't generally like their monarch to look like a sofa.

• Sir Cedric Willingham : You might be thinking what name you'd like to use as king.

  [Ralph whistles] 

  Sir Cedric Willingham : 'Edward' and 'George' have been popular this century.

  Ralph Jones : What's wrong with 'Ralph'?

  Sir Cedric Willingham : It lacks a certain... majesty. I can't really think of any notable Ralphs.

  Ralph Jones : Well, sure... Ralph Macchio. Ralph Lauren. Ralph Kramden.

  [Ralph and Cedric enter a hallway with paintings] 

  Ralph Jones : Oh, this is extremely nice. Better than I'm used to.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : This is the picture gallery. Many of the people in these paintings are your relatives. That's the Duke of Warren, your unfortunate grandfather. You have his chin.

  [They look at the painting of the Duke of Warren while Ralph holds his chin] 

  Sir Cedric Willingham : That's George III. You may remember him. He was king during that little temper tantrum you call the Revolutionary War.

  Ralph Jones : Hah. Sounds like sour grapes to me, Ced. After all, we did kick your ass.

  Sir Cedric Willingham : The loss is entirely yours, or rather, theirs. Try to remember you're an Englishman now.

  Ralph Jones : Okay, but I still think they kicked our ass.