- Fatima: You mean, the sharks won't eat me whole?
- Marco the Cereal Killer: Oh, no! I'm told they spit that bit out first!
- The Wazir: [after a messenger arrives] He brings news of what the Lisbonians are getting up to.
- The Sultan: I don't care what they get up to, as long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the camels!
- The Wazir: No, no, sir, the city of Lisbon.
- The Sultan: Oh! The one in Portugal?
- The Wazir: Quite correct, O mighty one.
- Nina the Model: Well I'm off to Italy next week. Michelangelo wants to do me up on the ceiling.
- Christopher Columbus: Well you mind you hang onto something while you're up there!
- Don Juan Diego: Here, we just had a leak in the hold.
- Bart Columbus: Oh did you? Well next time do it over the side!
- Christopher Columbus: [a slave presents the Chief and Columbus with cigars] What do you make of it?
- Mordecai Mendoza: Some kind of vegetable? Looks like old dried cabbage.
- [Columbus takes a bite]
- Mordecai Mendoza: What does it taste like?
- Christopher Columbus: Horse shit.
- Mordecai Mendoza: Is it cooked?
- Christopher Columbus: If it is they should shoot the cook.
- [the slave lights the Chief's cigar]
- Christopher Columbus: Well I'll be damned! Look at that. They cook it while you're eating it.
- Mordecai Mendoza: So try it cooked.
- [the slave lights Columbus' cigar. He has a puff]
- Mordecai Mendoza: What's it taste like now?
- Christopher Columbus: Still tastes like horse shit.