The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Dave Goelz: The Great Gonzo, Robert Marley, Bunsen Honeydew, Betina Cratchit, Rat, Zoot

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rizzo the Rat : There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.

  Gonzo : Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.

  Rizzo the Rat : God save my little broken body!

  [Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo] 

  Gonzo : Missed.

  Rizzo the Rat : Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...

  [Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him] 

  Rizzo the Rat : What?

  Gonzo : You can fit through those bars?

  Rizzo the Rat : Yeah...

  Gonzo : You are such an idiot.

• Sam the Eagle : Tomorrow, you become a man of business!

  Young Scrooge : I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.

  Sam the Eagle : Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!

  Gonzo : Uh, Sam?

  [He whispers in Sam's ear] 

  Gonzo : It's just that the story takes place in England.

  Sam the Eagle : Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!

  Young Scrooge : Yes, headmaster.

• Fozziwig : My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."

  Jacob Marley : That was the speech?

  Robert Marley : It was dumb!

  Jacob Marley : It was obvious!

  Robert Marley : It was pointless!

  Jacob Marley : It was... short!

  [turns to Robert] 

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : I loved it!

• Rizzo the Rat : Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?

  Gonzo : Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

• Gonzo : My name is Charles Dickens.

  Rizzo the Rat : And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!

  Gonzo : I am too!

  Rizzo the Rat : No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?

  Gonzo : Absolutely!

  Rizzo the Rat : Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!

  Gonzo : Oh, you are too kind!

  Rizzo the Rat : Why should I believe you?

  Gonzo : Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!

  Rizzo the Rat : Prove it!

  Gonzo : All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...

  Rizzo the Rat : No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!

• Rizzo the Rat : [a nearby clock strikes the hour]  Oh, what was that?

  Gonzo : Two o'clock.

  Rizzo the Rat : Is it too early for breakfast?

  Gonzo : Yes.

  Rizzo the Rat : Oh good, suppertime!

• Robert Marley : We were always heckling you.

  Jacob Marley : It's good to be heckling again.

  Robert Marley : It's good to be doing anything again.

• Gonzo : Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.

  Rizzo the Rat : Yuck!

  Gonzo : [whispering]  That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.

  Rizzo the Rat : Why are you whispering?

  Gonzo : It's for dramatic emphasis.

• Jacob Marley : Why do you doubt your own senses?

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Because a little thing can affect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more of gravy than of grave about you.

  Robert Marley : More of gravy than of grave?

  Jacob Marley : What a terrible pun. Where do you get these jokes?

  Robert Marley : Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.

• [Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come] 

  Rizzo the Rat : Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I wanna see any more!

  Gonzo : When you're right, you're right.

  [turning to face the audience] 

  Gonzo : You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale!

  Rizzo the Rat : Yeah!

• Rizzo the Rat : Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!

  Gonzo : Oh! My apologies! Um...

  [Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post] 

  Gonzo : Rizzo!

  Rizzo the Rat : What?

  ["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel] 

• [last lines] 

  Rizzo the Rat : Nice story, Mr. Dickens.

  Gonzo : Oh, thanks. If you like this, you should read the book.

• Rizzo the Rat : [falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo]  Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!

  Gonzo : I knew you weren't suited for literature.

• Gonzo : He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...

  [noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office] 

  Gonzo : Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!

  Rizzo the Rat : Heh, you're tellin' me!

  Gonzo : Come here.

  Rizzo the Rat : Hmm?

  [Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane] 

  Rizzo the Rat : [sarcastic]  Thank you for makin' me a part of this!

  Gonzo : [dropping Rizzo]  He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.

• Gonzo : Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.

  Rizzo the Rat : And I am here for the food.

• [Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London] 

  Gonzo : [Thrilled]  Hello, London!

  Rizzo the Rat : [Scared]  Goodbye, lunch!

• Rizzo the Rat : Rats don't understand these things.

  Gonzo : You were never a lonely child?

  Rizzo the Rat : I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.

  Gonzo : Boy! Rats don't understand these things!

• Rizzo the Rat : I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!

  Gonzo : You have all the fun!

• Rizzo the Rat : Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?

  Gonzo : [gets up]  To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.

  Rizzo the Rat : He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.

• Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We're Marley and Marley.

  [ghostly wailing] 

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We're Marley and Marley.

  [wailing] 

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We're Marley and Marley.

  [wailing] 

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Change!

• Robert Marley : You will be haunted by three spirits.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Haunted? I've already had enough of that.

  Jacob Marley : Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.

  Robert Marley : Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?

• Robert Marley : Look, it's Ebeneezer Scrooge!

  Jacob Marley : Looking older and more wicked than ever.

  Robert Marley : I knew he wouldn't disappoint us!

• Rizzo the Rat : How do you know what Scrooge is doin'? We're down here and he's up there!

  Gonzo : I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!

  Rizzo the Rat : Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.

  Gonzo : To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.

  [the lamps come on] 

  Rizzo the Rat : How *does* he do that?

• Gonzo : It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve and Scrooge was conscious of a thousand odors, each one connected with a thousand thoughts and hopes and joys and cares long, long forgotten.

• [Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom] 

  Rizzo the Rat : [looking around]  Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?

  Gonzo : Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?

  Rizzo the Rat : Yeah.

  [Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge] 

• Gonzo : Hello, London!

  Rizzo the Rat : Goodbye, lunch!

• Ebenezer Scrooge : Pardon me, gentlemen, but about the charity donation you asked me for yesterday. Put me down for...

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : [Scrooge whispers in his ear]  That much?

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Not a penny less. A great many back payments are included in it, I assure you.

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : Oh, my goodness, I don't know what to say. I just wish there was something we could give you.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : [touched, as Beaker gives him his scarf]  A gift? A gift for me? Thank you. Thank you. Fifty times! And a merry Christmas.

• Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : At this festive season of the year, Mr. Scrooge, many of us feel we must take care of our poor and homeless.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Are-are there no prisons? No poor houses?

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : Oh, plenty of those, sir.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh! Excellent. For a moment, I was worried.

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : Some of us are endeavoring to raise a fund for the poor and the homeless. What might I put you down for?

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Nothing.

  Dr. Bunsen Honeydew : You wish to remain anonymous?

  Ebenezer Scrooge : I wish to be left alone.

• Belinda Cratchit : I thought you said we couldn't eat the chestnuts until Father and Tiny Tim get home.

  Miss Piggy : I-I-I-I wasn't eating them, I was... I was merely checking them to see if they were not burnt. It's a chef's thing, dear. And do not shout, Betina.

  Belinda Cratchit : I'm Belinda!

  Betina Cratchit : I'm Betina!

  Miss Piggy : Uh, o-of course you are, uh, Betina.

  Belinda Cratchit : Belinda!

  Miss Piggy : [looking back and forth at them, then at the audience]  Whatever.

• Rizzo the Rat : Christmas apples.

  Gonzo : We got Macintosh.

  Rizzo the Rat : Get your Christmas apples.

  Gonzo : Red Delicious.

  Rizzo the Rat : Tuppence apiece, while they last.

  Gonzo : We... they won't last long the way you're eating them.

  Rizzo the Rat : Hey, I'm creatin' scarcity. Drives the prices up.

• Gonzo : The Marleys were dead, to begin with.

  Rizzo the Rat : The wha... pardon me?

  Gonzo : That's how the story begins, Rizzo, "The Marleys were dead, to begin with."

  Rizzo the Rat : Oh.

  Gonzo : As dead as a doornail.

  Rizzo the Rat : It's a good beginning. It's creepy and kind of...

  [shivers] 

  Rizzo the Rat : ...hoo hoo! Spooky.

  Gonzo : Oh, thank you, Rizzo.

  Rizzo the Rat : You're welcome, Mr. Dickens.

  Gonzo : In life, the Marleys had been business partners with a shrewd moneylender named Ebenezer Scrooge. You will meet him as he comes around that corner.

  Rizzo the Rat : Where?

  Gonzo : There.

  Rizzo the Rat : When?

  Gonzo : Now.

  [on cue, Scrooge appears] 

  Gonzo : There he is, Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge.

  Rizzo the Rat : Say, is it getting colder out here?

• Ghost of Christmas Present : Have you ever noticed that everything seems wonderful at Christmas?

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Uh, in all honesty, spirit, no. Perhaps I-I've never understood about Christmas.

  Ghost of Christmas Present : Before this day is done, you *will* understand. Oh...

  Rizzo the Rat : Oh, no! Oh, no!

  [he screams as the Ghost opens the window, knocking him and Gonzo off the ledge] 

  Ghost of Christmas Present : Ah. We shall go out into the world.

  Rizzo the Rat : [Gonzo laughs]  I suppose you enjoyed that?

  Gonzo : Of course.

• Kermit the Frog : It only seems right that I should lift a glass to my employer. I give you Mr. Scrooge, the founder of the feast.

  Miss Piggy : The founder of the feast, indeed!

  Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit : Huh!

  Miss Piggy : If I had him here, I would give him a piece of my mind to feast upon. And I bet he would choke on it. Hmm!

  Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit : Choke!

  Kermit the Frog : My dear, the-the children, Christmas Day.

  Miss Piggy : Oh, uh... w-well, I-I suppose that on the blessed day of Christmas, one must drink to the health of, uh, Mr. Scrooge, even though he is odious.

  Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit : Mm-hmm!

  Miss Piggy : Stingy.

  Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit : Mm-hmm!

  Miss Piggy : Wicked.

  Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit : Mm-hmm!

  Miss Piggy : And unfeeling.

  Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit : Mm-hmm!

  Miss Piggy : And badly dressed.

  [Belina and Betina gasp] 

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : To the founder of the feast, Mr. Scrooge!

  Miss Piggy : [reluctantly]  Ah, to Mr. Scrooge, he'll be very merry and happy this day, I have no doubt.

  Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit : No doubt.

  Kermit the Frog : Hmm. Cheers.

• Miss Piggy : [Bob and Tiny Tim return home]  How was he at church?

  Kermit the Frog : Oh, as good as gold and better. He told me that he hoped the people saw him in church because it might be pleasant for them to remember upon Christmas Day who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : A remarkable child.

  Gonzo : And with that, the Cratchits came to what was surely the happiest single moment in all the livelong year.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Such a meager feast.

  Ghost of Christmas Present : But very much appreciated.

• Ebenezer Scrooge : Spirit? What is that light? It cannot be dawn.

  Ghost of Christmas Past : It is the past.

  Gonzo : Look, it's beautiful, Rizzo!

  Rizzo the Rat : [scared]  Mommy!

• Ebenezer Scrooge : Why do you come to me?

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : [singing]  We're Marley and Marley/Avarice and greed.

  Jacob Marley : We took advantage of the poor, just ignored the needy.

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We specialized in causing pain, spreading fear and doubt.

  Robert Marley : And if you could not pay the rent, we simply threw you out!

  [spoken] 

  Robert Marley : There was the year we evicted the entire orphanage.

  Jacob Marley : Hmm, I remember the little tykes all standing in the snowbank.

  Robert Marley : With their little frostbitten teddy bears.

  [they laugh, then shudder] 

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : [singing]  We're Marley and Marley/Our hearts were painted black.

  Jacob Marley : We should have known our evil deeds/Would put us both in shackles.

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Captive, bound, we're double-ironed/Exhausted by the weight.

  Jacob Marley : As freedom comes from giving love...

  Robert Marley : ...So prison comes with hate.

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We're Marley and Marley.

  [eerie ghost noises] 

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : We're Marley and Marley.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : But my friends, you were not unfeeling towards your fellow men.

  Robert Marley : True, there was something about mankind we loved.

  Jacob Marley : I think it was their money.

• Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Doomed, Scrooge/You're doomed for all time.

  Robert Marley : Your future is a horror story/Written by your crime.

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Your chains are forged/By what you say and do/So have your fun when life is done/A nightmare waits for you.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Why these terrible chains?

  Jacob Marley , Robert Marley : Oh!

  Robert Marley : The chains!

  Jacob Marley : We forged these chains in life by our acts of greed.

  Robert Marley : You wear such a chain yourself.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Humbug! Speak comfort to me, friends.

• Ebenezer Scrooge : Spirit, do you grow old?

  Ghost of Christmas Present : [chuckles]  I do!

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Are spirits' lives so short?

  Ghost of Christmas Present : [sits down]  My time upon this globe is very brief. I believe it will end upon the stroke of twelve.

  Rizzo the Rat : [with Gonzo, ringing a nearby bell]  One.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : [notices this]  Now? But spirit, I have learned so much from you.

  Rizzo the Rat : [continues tolling the bell]  Three! Four!

  Gonzo : [narrates]  Nothing Scrooge could do or say could stop the relentless march of those terrible bells.

  Rizzo the Rat : Five!

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh, spirit, do not leave me.

  Rizzo the Rat : Six!

  Ghost of Christmas Present : [begins to fade away]  I think... I must, in fact.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : You have meant so much to me. You have changed me!

  Ghost of Christmas Present : And now, I leave you with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : You mean... the future?

  Ghost of Christmas Present : [continues fading]  Mmm...

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Must I?

  Rizzo the Rat : [continues tolling]  Eleven!

  Ghost of Christmas Present : Go forth! And know him better, man!

  Ghost of Christmas Present : [the tolling strikes twelve, fades away, echoes]  Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

• Tiny Tim Cratchit : God bless us, everyone.

  [singing] 

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : Life is full of sweet surprises/Every day's a gift/The sun comes up/And I can feel it lift my spirit/Fills me up with laughter/Fills me up with song/I look into the eyes of love/And know that I belong/Bless us all/Who gather here.

  Miss Piggy , Tiny Tim Cratchit : The loving family I hold dear.

  Kermit the Frog , Tiny Tim Cratchit : No place on Earth/Compares with home/And every path will bring me back from where I roam.

  Kermit the Frog , Miss Piggy , Peter Cratchit , Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit , Tiny Tim Cratchit : Bless us all/That as we live/We always comfort and forgive.

  Kermit the Frog , Tiny Tim Cratchit : We have so much/That we can share.

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : With those in need we see around us everywhere/Let us always...

  Kermit the Frog , Miss Piggy , Peter Cratchit , Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit , Tiny Tim Cratchit : Love each other.

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : Lead us to the light/Let us hear...

  Kermit the Frog , Miss Piggy , Peter Cratchit , Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit , Tiny Tim Cratchit : The voice of reason.

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : Singing in the night.

  Kermit the Frog : Let us run from anger.

  Miss Piggy : And catch us when we fall.

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : Teach us in our dreams/And please, yes, please...

  Kermit the Frog , Miss Piggy , Peter Cratchit , Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit , Tiny Tim Cratchit : Bless us one and all.

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : Bless us all/With playful years/With noisy games and joyful tears.

  Kermit the Frog , Miss Piggy , Peter Cratchit , Betina Cratchit , Belinda Cratchit , Tiny Tim Cratchit : We reach for you/And we stand tall.

  Kermit the Frog : And in our prayers and dreams, we ask you, bless us all.

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : We reach for you/And we stand tall/And in our prayers and dreams, we ask you, bless us all.

• Ebenezer Scrooge : Do you know the poultry shop in the next street?

  Bean Bunny : Yes, sir, I do.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : An intelligent lad. A remarkable lad. Do you know whether the prize turkey has been sold in the window?

  Bean Bunny : Oh, the one twice as big as me? It's still there.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh, it's a pleasure talking with you, lad. Go and buy it.

  Bean Bunny : Be serious.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : I am being serious. Buy it for me and I'll give you a shilling.

  Bean Bunny : Oh.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : [throwing a pouch down]  No, I'll give you five shillings.

  Bean Bunny : Wow!

  Gonzo : And so the boy was off like a shot. So even...

  Bean Bunny : [bowling him and Rizzo over]  Um... sorry.

• Gonzo : At that moment, who should arrive at the door but Scrooge's nephew Fred. His only living relative.

  Rizzo the Rat : Nephew Fred? I don't see him.

  Gonzo : Trust me.

  Rizzo the Rat : Hmm.

  Fred : [knocking on the door]  Hello? Uncle?

  Gonzo : Rizzo?

  Rizzo the Rat : [headfirst in a patch of snow, his feet waggling in the air]  You're very good at that, Mr. Dickens.

• Gonzo : [after Rizzo spots a bowl of fruit]  Say, do you know that fruit is wax?

  Rizzo the Rat : Oh, yeah. I wondered about the texture.

• Gonzo : Come on, Rizzo. We'll follow him in.

  Rizzo the Rat : In a minute. I had a little bag of jelly beans over here.

  Gonzo : Will you just get over here?

  Rizzo the Rat : All right.

  Gonzo : Sheesh.

  [he groans as Scrooge shuts the door on him] 

  Rizzo the Rat : Uh-oh.

  [grabbing Gonzo to give him leverage] 

  Rizzo the Rat : Steady. Steady.

  Gonzo : [strangulated]  Scrooge made his way up the staircase, caring not a button for the darkness. Darkness was cheap, and Scrooge liked it.

• Gonzo : Scrooge lived in chambers which had once belonged to his old business partners, Jacob and Robert Marley.

  Rizzo the Rat : Have some bread?

  Gonzo : Not while I'm working.

  Rizzo the Rat : Okay, suit yourself.

• Gonzo : And what a flood of memories came back to him, as Scrooge beheld his old classroom.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : I know it all so well, spirit. The desks. The smell of the chalk. I chose my profession in this room.

  Ghost of Christmas Past : And is he, too, familiar?

  Gonzo : Scrooge beheld a small boy, a boy he knew, oh, very well indeed.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Good heavens. It's me.

• Ebenezer Scrooge : I'm home.

  Gonzo : Yes, the bedposts were his own. The bed was his own. The room was his own.

  Rizzo the Rat : Hi, guys, we're back.

  Gonzo : We promised we would be.

  Rizzo the Rat : Mm-hmm.

  Gonzo : But the thing that made Scrooge happiest of all was that his life lay before him. And it could be changed.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : I will live my life in the past, the present, and the future. Oh, Jacob and Robert Marley.

  [getting on his knees] 

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Oh, heaven in the Christmastime be praised for this day. I say it on my knees, Jacob and Robert. On my knees!

• Ebenezer Scrooge : It's Bob Cratchit's house. Oh, yes, spirit. A place of joy and laughter. Thank you for bringing me here.

  [looking up and down the street] 

  Ebenezer Scrooge : It's so quiet. Why is it so quiet, spirit?

  [the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come gestures towards the Cratchit house, and he peers through the window] 

  Betina Cratchit : Oh, Mother, you're crying again.

  Miss Piggy : Oh, no, it's just the lamplight, it hurts my eyes.

  Ebenezer Scrooge : Not Tiny Tim?

• Gonzo : And Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all and infinitely more!

  Rizzo the Rat : And, uh, Tiny Tim?

  Gonzo : And to Tiny Tim, who did *not* die...

  Rizzo the Rat : Aw, isn't that swell!

  Gonzo : To Tiny Tim, Scrooge became a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good as a man as the good old city ever had. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that truly be said of us, and all of us! And as Tiny Tim observed...

  Tiny Tim Cratchit : God Bless Us!

  Ebenezer Scrooge : God Bless Us Every One!