Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)

Hugh Grant: Charles - Wedding One

Photos 

165 more photos

Quotes 

• [Charles comes running after Carrie] 

  Charles : Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...

  Carrie : That was very romantic.

  Charles : Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

• Charles : How do you do, my name is Charles.

  Old man : Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!

  Charles : Must be a different Charles, I think.

  Old man : Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!

  Charles : No, no.

• Charles : Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to drag you from your desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time l've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But l'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.

• Father Gerald : Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ's love for his church. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Goat, eh, Ghost. One God, forever and ever, Amen.

  Matthew : This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.

  Charles : Ahhh, Excellent!

  Father Gerald : Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

  Bernard : I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

  Father Gerald : ...why I, Lydia...

  Bernard : ...why I, Bernard...

  Father Gerald : Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...

  Bernard : Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin Delainey...

  Father Gerald : May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.

  Bernard : May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.

  Father Gerald : Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

  Lydia : I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

  Father Gerald : May not be Johned in matrimony...

  Lydia : May not be *joined* in matrimony...

  Father Gerald : to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.

  Lydia : to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.

  Father Gerald : I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...

  Bernard : I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...

  Father Gerald : take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.

  Bernard : take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful* wedded wife.

  Father Gerald : *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.

  Congregation : Amen!

  Gareth : Bravo! Bravo!

  [Everyone cheers] 

• Charles : Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?

  Fiona : The name's Carrie.

  Charles : Pretty.

  Fiona : American.

  Charles : Interesting.

  Fiona : Slut.

  Charles : Really?

  Fiona : Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now. Only gets out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league.

  Charles : Well, that's a relief. Thanks.

• Charles : Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say, "Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night?"

  Matthew : Well, if there are, they're not English.

• Charles : Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree *not* to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?

  Carrie : I do.

• Gareth : I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.

  Charles : Uh-huh.

  Gareth : Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.

  Charles : Which is?

  Gareth : He'll ask her to marry him.

  Charles : Brilliant! Brilliant!

  Gareth : Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.

  Charles : Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

  Gareth : The definitive icebreaker.

• Charles : [thinking they're running really late]  Time.

  Matthew : Honestly?

  Charles : Yes! Time!

  Matthew : It's about ten to nine.

  [Charles runs off, realises what Matthew said and returns to the car] 

  Charles : Bastards.

• Carrie : Just before I go, when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?

  Charles : Uhh... I'm sorry, whose engagement?

  Carrie : Ours. I assumed, since we slept together, that we would be getting married. What did you think?

  Charles : [looks surprised]  What? I'm... gosh, you know, that's, umm... It takes a lot of thinking, that kind of thing, I mean, uhh... Obviously, I'm...

  [chuckles and relaxes] 

  Charles : You're joking.

  [Carrie chuckles as well] 

  Charles : God... For a moment there, I thought I was in "Fatal Attraction". I though you were... Glenn Close, and I was gonna get home and find my pet rabbit in the stove.

  Carrie : No... But I think we both missed a great opportunity here.

• Charles : Perhaps you were right, Hen. Perhaps we should've got married.

  Henrietta : Good God, no! Marry you and I'd have had to marry your friends and I'm not quite sure I could take Fiona.

  Charles : Fiona loves you.

  Henrietta : Fiona calls me Duckface.

  Charles : Well, I never heard that.

  Henrietta : Oh, Darling, come to lunch soon. Give me a ring, okay? Oh, still cute.

  [Henrieta leaves and Fiona aproaches] 

  Fiona : How's Duckface?

  Charles : Good form actually, not too mad.

• Charles : Oh! Fuck! Fuck!

  Scarlett : Fuck!

  Charles : Oh, fuck! Fuck!

• Charles : Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?

  Matthew : It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.

  Charles : Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.

• Charles : Yes, it's odd, isn't it? All these years we've been single and proud of it and never noticed that two of us were, in effect, married all this time.

  Tom : Traitors in our midst.

• Charles : Tommy, are you the richest man in England?

  Tom : Oh, no! No! I believe we're about - seventh. The Queen, obviously, and that Branson bloke's doing terribly well.

• Vomiting Veronica : [to her husband about going to India with Charles]  Charles was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.

  Charles : I was only trying to cheer you up, V.

  Naughty Nicki : Oh, you're *that* Veronica!

  Vomiting Veronica : Which Veronica? Charlie?

  Charles : [trying to change the subject]  Remember Bombay?

  Naughty Nicki : When Charles and I were going out, he told me he had this interesting journey around India with Vomiting Veronica. I think that was it.

  Charles : [Embarrassed]  I don't remember ever mentioning it. Maybe I did.

  Mocking Martha : Oh, come on Charles! I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet.

  Charles : Well, I think that's probably a little bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?

  Naughty Nicki : It is not!

  Mocking Martha : I remember you going on about this one girl - Helena wasn't it? Whose mother made a pass at you.

  Vomiting Veronica : I remember this! You couldn't work it out whether it would be impolite not to accept her advances!

  [laughs] 

  Naughty Nicki : That's right! Mrs. Piggy! Helena was Miss Piggy! So her mother was Mrs. Piggy!

  [all laughs] 

  Charles : I - I think perhaps, it was a - it was a...

  Miss Piggy : [who's been with them the whole time, not laughing]  We've both lost a lot of weight since then!

• [Charles is translating what his brother David is saying about Carrie in sign language] 

  David : [signing]  Beautiful breasts.

  Charles : Err, he says, "That's a beautiful place. Hilly."

• Gareth : We had the most delightful girl at our table. Carrie, apparently her fiancé's terribly grand and owns half of Scotland. How about you?

  Charles : I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell, ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. Next thing I'll bump into Henrietta and the horror will be complete.

  Henrietta : Hello Charles.

  Charles : Hello Hen, how are you?

  [Hen bursts into tears] 

• David : How are you doing?

  Charles : You remember the time you started dad's boat and the propeller cut my leg to shreds?

  David : Yeah?

  Charles : This is worse.

• [Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress] 

  Charles : It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yecch!

• [Charles and David are conversing in sign language with Carrie present] 

  Charles : We were buying her a wedding dress.

  David : Pathetic excuse. Who's she marrying?

  Charles : Some total penis.

  David : What is it about penises that they get such great wives?

• Charles : Fuck-a-doodle-doo!

• Charles : Dear Lord, forgive me for what I am about to, ah, say in this magnificent place of worship. Bugger. Bugger! Bugger-bugger-bugger-bugger!

  Polite Verger - Wedding Four : Can I help at all?

  Charles : No. Thanks. Sorry. Vocal exercises. Big church.

  Polite Verger - Wedding Four : Excellent. Often do the same myself. Not exactly the same vocab, obviously. Rather more alleluias.

• Carrie : Having a good night?

  Charles : Yes. It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.

• Charles : There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now... in the rain.

  Carrie : Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.

• Fiona : There's a sort of greatness to your lateness.

  Charles : Thanks, it's not achieved without real suffering.

• Scarlett : What are you up to today?

  Charles : Oh, yeah. I'm a... Well, I'm taking advantage of the fact that for the first time in my entire life, it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to.

• Carrie : Well, the first one, of course, not easily forgotten - was kinda nice. Two - hairy back. Three, four, five. Six was on my birthday in my parents' room.

  Charles : Which birthday?

  Carrie : Seventeenth.

  Charles : We've only reached seventeen?

  Carrie : Oh, you know, I grew up in the country. Lots of rolling around in haystacks. Okay, seven. Mmm. Eight, unfortunately, was quite a shock. Nine, against a fence. Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.

  Charles : I won't.

  Carrie : Ten, oh, was gorgeous. Just heaven, just - oh - he was wonderful.

  Charles : I hate him.

  Carrie : Eleven, obviously after ten, disappointing. Twelve through seventeen - the university years. Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys. Sexually speaking, a real low patch. Eighteen broke my heart. Years of yearning.

  Charles : I'm sorry.

  Carrie : Twenty, oh, my God! I can't believe l've reached twenty. Twenty-one, elephant tongue. Twenty-two, kept falling asleep. That was my first year in England.

  Charles : I do apologize.

  Carrie : Twenty-three and twenty-four together. That was something.

  Charles : Seriously?

  Carrie : Twenty-seven, oh that was a mistake.

  Charles : Suddenly at twenty-seven, you make a mistake?

  Carrie : Yes, he kept screaming. It was very off-putting. I nearly gave up on the whole thing. But, Spencer changed my mind. That's twenty-eight. His father, twenty-nine.

  Charles : With his father?

  Carrie : Thirty, eh! Thirty-one, oh, my God, Thirty-two - was lovely. And then my fiancé, that's thirty-three.

  Charles : Wow! So, I came after your fiancé?

  Carrie : No, you were thirty-two. So there you go. Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di - I hope. And, how about you? How many have you slept with?

• Charles : Excuse me. I think I had better be where other people are not.

• Henrietta : Charles! Charles, we must talk.

  Charles : Right.

  Henrietta : The thing is, Charlie, l've spoken to lots of people about you. Everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles.

  Charles : Am l?

  Henrietta : You see, you're turning into a kind of serial monogamist. One girlfriend after another, yet you never really let anyone near you.

  Charles : On the contrary...

  Henrietta : You're affectionate to them and sweet to them. Even to me, although you thought I was an idiot.

  Charles : I did not.

  Henrietta : You did. I thought U2 was a type of submarine.

  Charles : In a way, you were right. Their music has a naval quality.

  Henrietta : Be serious, Charles! You must give people a chance. You don't have to think 'I must get married', but you mustn't start every relationship thinking 'I mustn't get married'.

  Charles : Most of the time I don't think at all. I just potter along.

  Henrietta : Oh, Charlie! Oh, God! The way you used to look at me! I just misread it, that's all. Oh, in time I thought you were going to propose and all the time you were just working out how to leave.

• Carrie : Our timing has been very bad.

  Charles : Yes it has been. Very bad.

  Carrie : It's been a disaster.

  Charles : It has been, as you say, very bad indeed.

• Charles : All these weddings, all these years, all that blasted salmon and champagne and here I am on my own wedding day, and I'm... eh... em... eh... still thinking.

  Matthew : Well, can I ask about what?

  Charles : No... no... I think, best not.

• [Charles and Carrie are in bed after the first wedding, removing each other's clothes] 

  Carrie : What about this? Do you think a vicar would think... things had slipped just a little bit... out of his control?

  Charles : I think he might. This kind of thing is really meant... to bring the honeymoon into the service itself.

  Carrie : Why do you think it's called "honeymoon"?

  Charles : Um, I don't know... I suppose it's, uh, "honey" because it's sweet as honey, and "moon" because it's the first time a husband got to see his wife's bottom.

• Charles : What turn off? Better not be the B359.

  Scarlett : It's the B359.

  Charles : Fuck it!

• Matthew : Sorry we're so late. The others are just parking the car, I thought we'd all go with Tom.

  Charles : Late? So late?

  Matthew : Yeah. It's 9:45.

  Charles : 9:45?

  Matthew : Yep. 45 minutes until "I do".

• Charles : How's your gorgeous girlfriend?

  John with the Unfaithful Wife - Wedding One : She's no longer my girlfriend.

  Charles : [funny]  Ah, dear. I wouldn't get too gloomy about it. Rumour has it she never stopped bonking Toby de Lisle in case you didn't work out.

  John with the Unfaithful Wife - Wedding One : [disgusted]  She is now my wife.

• Charles : How's your gorgeous girlfriend?

  John with the Unfaithful Wife - Wedding One : She's no longer my girlfriend.

  Charles : Ah, dear. I wouldn't get too gloomy about it. Rumour has it she never stopped bonking Toby de Lisle in case you didn't work out.

  John with the Unfaithful Wife - Wedding One : She is now my wife.

• Scarlett : Fuck!

  Charles : Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  Scarlett : Fuckity, Fuck.

  Charles : Bugger.

• Charles : Disastrous haircut.

• Charles : Another wedding invitation. And a list. Lovely.

• George the boor at The Boatman : Haven't seen Carrie, have you?

  Charles : Who?

  George the boor at The Boatman : Carrie. American girl. Lovely legs. Wedding guest. Nice smell.

• Carrie : Well, it was nice not quite meeting you. It was a great speech.

  Charles : Thanks.

  Carrie : Well, l'm going now.

  Charles : No! No, no, no, no. No, don't go. We can meet now! The evening's just getting going.

  Carrie : Oh, I think we both know that's a big lie.

  [leaves] 

• George the boor at The Boatman : Lucky bachelor, me. I'll have another search for that Katie creature.

  Charles : Carrie.

  George the boor at The Boatman : That's the one. Damn fine filly.

• Carrie : I have to go.

  Charles : Where?

  Carrie : America.

  Charles : That is a tragedy.

• Charles : Maybe we could just - skulk around here for a bit and then - go back down.

  Carrie : Now, that's a thought. I don't usually skulk a lot; but, I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required. Do you skulk regularly?

  Charles : No. No, I don't normally - think of myself as a skulker but...

  Carrie : Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while - and we'll see?

• Carrie : I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church, which is kind of strange. Where I come from, kissing is very big.

  Charles : Is it? Yes. Well, I think you're right. We are probably more reserved. you know, 'You may now kiss the bride' isn't actually in the Book of Common Prayer.

  Carrie : I always worry l'll go too far, you know, in the heat of the moment.

• George the boor at The Boatman : Where do you know him from?

  Charles : University.

  George the boor at The Boatman : Splendid. Splendid. Yep. I didn't go myself. I couldn't see the point. You see, when you work in the money markets, what use are the novels of Wordsworth gonna be, eh?

• Carrie : You want to come up for a nightcap?

  Charles : You sure?

  Carrie : Well, yes. I think we can risk it. I'm pretty sure I can resist you. You're not that cute.

• Charles : Oh, God, l'm depressed, Hen! How are you?

  Henrietta : Well, I'm cheerful, actually. I weigh almost nothing.

• Henrietta : Did I behave that atrociously last time?

  Charles : Well, you remember the shower scene in Psycho?

  Henrietta : Yeah.

  Charles : Scarier.

• Gareth : A toast! Before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, 'l was adored once, too.' True love.

  Charles , Fiona , Tom , Scarlett , Matthew : True love!

• Charles : Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe all this - waiting for one true love stuff - gets you nowhere.

• Charles : Oh Lord, please forgive me for what I'm about to say in this beautiful House of Prayer. Bugger! Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!

  Vicar - Wedding Three : Hello!

  Charles : Sorry. Vocal Exercises.

  Vicar - Wedding Three : I do the same, though not the same vocab. Far more Hallelujahs.

• Charles : So, John, how's that gorgeous girlfriend of yours?

  John with the Unfaithful Wife - Wedding One : Uh, she's no longer my girlfriend.

  Charles : Ah, dear. Still, I wouldn't get too gloomy about it. Rumor has it she never stopped bonking old Toby de Lisle, just in case you didn't work out.

  John with the Unfaithful Wife - Wedding One : She's now my wife.