Billy Madison (1995)

Bradley Whitford: Eric Gordon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Knibb High Principal : If there is any attempt for either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?

  Billy Madison : Yes, Sir.

  Eric : Yes, Sir.

• Eric : So he's passed first grade and moved on to second. whooptieto. Any more information, Rollo?

  Rollo the Janitor : Uh...

  [takes out crumpled note] 

  Rollo the Janitor : Billy likes to drink soda. Miss Lippy's car is green.

• Carl : I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.

  Eric : Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.

  Carl : I'm sorry.

  Eric : Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?

• Billy Madison : Hey, Carl. What's up?

  Carl : Nothing much, Billy. I see you got a little sun today.

  Billy Madison : You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.

  Eric : Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

  Billy Madison : [sarcastic laughter]  Shut up!

• [Max meets Eric in the kitchen asking him where the bathroom is, then shows him a magazine with a cover of Max dressed in a wrestling outfit] 

  Eric : Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.

  Principal Max Anderson : Where'd you get that?

  Eric : I have a subscription. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. Boy, this wacko looks familiar.

  Principal Max Anderson : What do I care about some stupid phony wrestling guy?

  Eric : My God! In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him.

  Principal Max Anderson : It was just a stunt! He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.

  Eric : With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree.

  Principal Max Anderson : No! No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life!

  Eric : So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you?

  [then Max ignores Eric] 

  Eric : Max, are you ready to cooperate with me?

  Principal Max Anderson : [sobs]  Yes.

  Eric : Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!

• [Billy Madison is having big party for passing 2nd grade] 

  Eric : [very stressed out]  Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?

  Carl : You know, everyone's having a good time but you.

  [a girl is now trying to reach into Eric's suit jacket] 

  Eric : [shoeing her away]  Spoiled snot. Get outta here!

• Billy Madison : Okay, alright... Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

  Brian Madison : That's some idea. You just think of that?

  Billy Madison : Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?

  Eric : Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?

  Brian Madison : No.

  [to Billy] 

  Brian Madison : You're on.

• Carl : Billy is not an idiot.

  Eric : I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune Five Hundred company.

• Brian Madison : [as he turns around while sitting down]  What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?

  Carl : No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.

  Eric : I believed in Billy all along, sir.

  Billy Madison : [to Eric]  Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.

  Brian Madison : Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.

  Eric : Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade.

  Carl : Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.

  Eric : Extenuating, "exschmenuating". We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.

  Brian Madison : Well, technically you're right, but...

  Eric : [before Brian could continue talking, Eric interrupts him]  Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. "Well, technically..." Blah, blah, blah! Just shut up! So, are you ready to hand the company over to me now?

  Brian Madison : No.

  Eric : Then, I'll see your ass in court.

  Brian Madison : Good.

  Eric : [to Brian, Billy and Carl]  Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.

  [then Eric laughs and attemps to leave Brain's office] 

• [from a deleted scene] 

  Eric : [singing; referring to Max]  That's right, you goofy slob, I blackmailed you and I cheated. Madison Hotels will soon be mine. Pecan pie is best served heated.