It Takes Two (1995)

Kirstie Alley: Diane Barrows

Photos 

Quotes 

• Diane Barrows : Besides, you don't want to be an orphan forever.

  Amanda Lemmon : So adopt me, why don't you!

  Diane Barrows : They won't let me adopt you on my salary; besides, you deserve a mother *and* a father.

  Amanda Lemmon : So, get a husband.

  Diane Barrows : It's not like buying a car, you know.

  Amanda Lemmon : I know. It's got to be that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff, right?

  Diane Barrows : Hey, a girl's got to have her standards.

• Diane Barrows : You know, I really thought it was that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.

• Alyssa Calloway : Aren't you coming?

  Diane Barrows : Uh, no, I think I'm just gonna wait for Amanda out here.

  Alyssa Calloway : DIANE BARROWS! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE THIS... IN-STANT!

  Diane Barrows : Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.

• Diane Barrows : Sorry to ruin your wedding. I just didn't want the wrong girl going down the aisle. I mean the wrong flower girl.

  Roger Callaway : I think you had it right the first time.

• Diane Barrows : I can't believe you talked me into this!

  Alyssa Calloway : You're too tense. Relax.

  Diane Barrows : Oh, I've got a thousand pounds of wild animal under my butt and she says relax!

• Diane Barrows : Guys like him like girls with food names: Cookie, Muffin, Candy... They don't marry girls like me.

• Diane Barrows : You should really put iodine on your butt... cut.

• Diane Barrows : [bangs loudly on Butkises' door]  Hello! Hello!

  Butkis' Neighbor : You lookin' for a Butkis?

  Diane Barrows : What?

  Butkis' Neighbor : You lookin' for a Butkis?

  Diane Barrows : Yes! Yes, I am. Do you know where he is?

  Butkis' Neighbor : At the salvage yard. Where else? Harry works those poor kids to the bone.

  Diane Barrows : What do you mean?

  Butkis' Neighbor : Why do you think he's got so many?

• Diane Barrows : [surprised that Amanda and Alyssa are identical]  This is amazing.

  Vincenzo : Yeah. And it's weird, too. Now, I understand that through some, uh, some simple mix-up, that Alyssa is in a care of child's services. Now, I've been authorized to tell you, that if I get her back right away, there'll be no legal entanglements.

  Diane Barrows : Um, you see, she's not exactly with me, here.

  Vincenzo : What?

  Diane Barrows : She's been... Well, she was adopted.

  Vincenzo : Well, then you'd better unadopt her, quick! Mr. Callaway's gettin' married in 90 minutes at St. Bartholomew's! He's expecting his daughter to be there, his *real* daughter.

  Diane Barrows : *90 minutes*?

  Vincenzo : Yeah.

  Diane Barrows : Well, I can't even get to Staten Island and back in 90 minutes!

  Vincenzo : Well, may I suggest that you go really, *really* fast?

  [he writes down a number] 

  Vincenzo : Here. If you get into any trouble, call this number.

  [he hands it to Diane] 

  Vincenzo : Ask for Lou!

  [he leaves, and Diane looks at the number] 

  Diane Barrows : Lou. Lou Who?

• Diane Barrows : [as she watches Amanda, unaware that she's really Alyssa Callaway, dash into the woods during a flag football game]  Great speed. Bad sense of direction.

• Diane Barrows : [to the home office on the phone]  Let me just run this by you one more time, okay? Please, just hear me out, one more time. Okay. I know I don't make that much money, and I know that I'm a little bit single, but I want to adopt Amanda. No, I - Are you laughing at me?

  [to Patty] 

  Diane Barrows : He's laughing at me!

  [to phone] 

  Diane Barrows : You - YOU STUPID JERK!

  [hangs up in fury] 

• Diane Barrows : [after Alyssa, as Amanda, was 'adopted' by the Butkises]  You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!

  Jerry : They had the paperwork!

  Diane Barrows : *What* paperwork?

  Patty : [hands Diane the paperwork]  We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?

  Diane Barrows : I would have!

  [she drops the paperwork] 

  Diane Barrows : I'm takin' the Jeep!

  [she takes the keys to the Jeep] 

  Jerry : Hey, that's the camp's!

  Diane Barrows : [furiously]  Oh, don't you even...!

• Diane Barrows : [drives all the way to Staten Island]  I must be crazy. But I'm not goin' in that church. No matter what happens, I am NOT goin' in that church!

• Diane Barrows : Told ya; third time's a charm...

  Roger Callaway : Wait. All of this? This was *your* doing?

  [Amanda and Alyssa smile] 

  Roger Callaway : Oh, it *was*, was it?

  Roger Callaway : Well, girls, what do you have to say for yourselves?

  Alyssa Calloway , Amanda Lemmon : [together]  So kiss already!

• [Diane and Alyssa see a horse-drawn carriage, and Alyssa gets on] 

  Diane Barrows : Oh, no. NOT another horse!

  Alyssa Calloway : Diane, come *on*!

  Diane Barrows : Fine.

  [she gets into the carriage] 

  Diane Barrows : Where is the driver?

  [she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs] 

  Diane Barrows : Oh! Hey, buddy! Listen, you've gotta take us to St. Bart's right away; it's an emergency!

  Horse Driver : [through a mouthful of hot dog]  We're closed, miss. I'm on my break!

  [Diane turns to Alyssa, and makes a gesture telling her to get in the driver's seat and take the reins, both of which Alyssa does, and Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver] 

  Diane Barrows : [sarcastically]  I wanna thank you for all your help, bud!

  Alyssa Calloway : [whips the reins]  HYAH!

  [the horse runs off, pulling the carriage, but Diane falls backwards into the seat] 

  Horse Driver : [notices and almost runs after his horse]  Hey. Hey, lady! Hey, that's...

  [spits out his mouthful, then screams after them] 

  Horse Driver : THAT'S MY HORSE!

• [Alyssa has joined the other campers in the cafeteria for lunch; they are having Sloppy Joes] 

  Alyssa Calloway : [to Dianne]  This is really good!

  Diane Barrows : Well, of course it is, silly; it's your favorite.

  Alyssa Calloway : It is?

  [Diane looks at Alyssa funnily] 

  Alyssa Calloway : Oh yes, of course! The um... um, big, gooey, messy burger!

  Diane Barrows : Also, known as a Sloppy Joe.

  Alyssa Calloway : Sloppy Joe, right.

  Diane Barrows : Your favorite?

  Alyssa Calloway : Yes, and with dern good reason!

  Diane Barrows : [in an appalled tone]  Did you just say "dern"?

  [Diane feels Alyssa's forehead] 

• Diane Barrows : You're not a reject. It's just that, most people want to adopt...

  Amanda Lemmon : Babies. I know.